one of those days

some days are better than others. some days just start off odd and you know by the way you wake up that it isn't going to be the best, not even close!

so you decide waking up that you didn't wake up soon enough to get the good "laying in bed thinking time" that you needed, your neck is stiff, and you waited far too long to drink your first cup of coffee and you're doomed to a headache for the rest of the day.

yep, it's one of those days for me. i'm certainly unavoidably irritated by everyone and everything. nope, no polyanna nichole this day. i tried my hardest to make the best out of each part of my day, but it just wasn't happening. i give. i surrender.

hope tomorrow turns out better.

Ugly

December 26, 2006 - Tuesday
Ugly


You took what you wanted.
Your pleasure in the midst of her pain.
If you see tears in a woman's eyes
You know you've cut her deep inside

Sex isn't always love
And love isn't always sex
This is selfish lust
That feeds your loins and destroys her soul.

She won't say a word
She's afraid she brouht it on
In his sick mind, there was consent
Because she didn't fight

But what was the point?
He wasn't going away
His face gnarled like vomit
As he climaxed

Now she can't hide from the image
That plays over in her mind
She can't hide from herself
Because he's etched in her mind.

8:47 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

What do YOU want from me?

Everybody wants something from the people they are near or communicate with. Sometimes though, people don't want to admit to that person what it is they want from him/her. They are either hiding something, embarrassed, scared, or just plain shy. Everyone wants something from the people we are with, whether it be companionship, love, entertainment, advice, ego strokes, friendship, etc.

The trouble is, most people don't ask for what they want from you. They just hang out until they get it and when they aren't getting it, they either adapt or go away. Worse yet is when they get it and skate leaving you feeling like a victim of a slick swindle.

The other day a friend called that I don't talk to very often and the conversation just went limp. I kept thinking, what do you want from me? You keep calling and we never have anything to say. If it's such an effort to pull out words., how can we relate? So all that's left is: what does she WANT?

Last night, a casual friend called and asked if I could go have a drink. The whole time we were together, I kept wondering to myself, "What do you want from me?" I'm pretty sure I had it figured out, but I just couldn't understand the point. Have I just become so incredibly jaded that I assume everyone's motives long before I give them the chance to prove their integrity?

I wonder when someone wants to start a friendship, why? I mean it all made sense when I was younger and thought everyone was genuine and we were exploring and finding what we wanted in life. But why at our age seek out new friends? I am suspicious that this new person has failed miserably at friendship. What else could it be? If THEY are so great, they should have sufficient people to fill their lives and have little room to start a new venture. They would be spreading themselves too thin.

It's easy to see why single men and women would seek each other out, but coupled men and women, what are they seeking in others? What are others seeking in them?

I don't necessarily want you all to think I'm pessimistic. I just want to know. Not to be rude, or get my ego stroked. I just wish I knew. From him and her, and YOU!

Is the bar set too high?

I had a lovely convo with an old friend very recently. It's really a lot to absorb, so I'm going to mull it over publically and let you all in to hear my brain process...

1. I asked him why he wasn't dating anyone. He's smart, funny, adorable, so what gives? He said in a nutshell, he doesn't like anyone. He said that there are certain requirements that one has at thirty-five. Simple things, like, he wants to LIKE the person. Is that too much to ask? That we like the one we are involved with? Is the bar set too high?

2. After laughing myself silly, we talked about sex, friends, friends with benefits, lovers, being in love, breaking up, exes, baggage and then on to the innocent past. I talked about my last three serious relationships and then I just asked simply, why was I so afraid of boys when I was young? In some ways I love men my age and being involved with an intellecually stimulating, witty, beautiful man I can relate to, but there's a part of me that just wonders why I never tried to have a relationship when I was young. If they are so great now, why not then? I think of a handfull of guys back in the day that were my friends and admittadly, attractive. They all have turned out successful and interesting. So what was wrong with dating them back then?

3. We talked on, about things other people don't relate to and our commonalities. We talked about our youth, our experiences together and people from our past. Then suddenly I mentioned a name. THE "name". He litterally dropped and said wow, that's a name that took me back. He told me, man you were so in love with that guy. I didn't know why, but he was right. I spent high school in love with a fantasy of a man that never was or could have been the right person for me. But I liked him. It didn't hurt that he was Gorgeous, but I just simply liked him.

4. I missed out on the experiences I guess most girls have at that age because I set the bar early on that I had to like the guy. No matter about other things, those things terrified me. I just wanted to really like him. I didn't really like anyone in my twenties. I figgured I could get what I wanted dating here and there and just hold out for someone I liked. It seemed to get increasingly difficult as each year passed.

5. Now, the best thing I can say about the people in my life is, that I like them. When we find someone we like, we better just stick with it and appreciate it like Janis Joplin says: "If you got a cat for one day, ...if you want a cat for 365 days, right you aint got him for 365 days, you got him for one day. ...that one day better be your life, man. because, ...you can cry about the other 364, but youre gonna lose that one day, man, and that's all you've got. You gotta call that love."

Quantum Love Girl

September 10, 2006 - Sunday
"Quantum Love Girl"


Emotional intellect

Seems as though this is a deadly mix in the current paradigm.

Logic overrides life as it tries to make sense of and control the emotions.
Just like making sense of quantum through the "Many Worlds" theory allows us
to roll from one state into another, where all statistical laws break down
and cold flows to hot and hot to cold. Never quite satisfactory, like an
impossible proof. She's in a whirlwind wishing she had the mind of
Beyonce' instead of Sting.

Intellectual emo

Wishing for simplicity and calm. All is well when there is no puzzle.
Puzzles break her down into a million pieces. So she throws an apple out
the window, watching it shatter onto the ground below. Oh, to live in a
pure time when thought was revered. Now we look to brevity and short
skirts.

Feel good girls with poetic smiles, not thoughts.

Watch the apples roll off of her fingertips into a perfect state of free-fall till they hit the ground making a sound of glass wrapped in cloth, like the heart.

cuasssh!

She travels to the edge of town sits down in the ghetto. She feels so comfortable in her Prada shoes listening to Mozart. "Rock Me Amadeus"

Why must she consent to the world that wants her to read Tom Robbins when she wants Dosteyeski and Plato?

To hold those in her life dear? Why can't she be revered? She'll serve you when you crave her flavor, but everybody knows that you can't stomach to taste what is rich for every meal. Maybe next weekend when you tire of your Honey Bunches of Oats and burnt spaghetti.

7:28 PM - 8 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

I never loved her

September 5, 2006 - Tuesday
"POETRY, I THINK...."


the mathematics never did add up...
one plus three, it's just not me said he

what did she expect? my loving would make it all ok?
she must have been crazy to think that they were worthy
I'm far too good to bend to that breeze

I tried to conceal it and make her see
through my love that I was all she would need.
I didn't tell her the solution for me was: it's not meant to be

I want her, but not her family, can I avoid them?
I want her, but not her friends, if I detest them enough will she let them go?
I want her, but not her dog I'm glad he's gone

Today I can see, that I really don't want her at all
"Let's have this conversation tomorrow"
Cuz tomorrow never comes....

She just goes away
and it's okay,
because I never loved her anyway....


7:14 AM - 9 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Now that's some Baby-Makin' stuff!

Current mood: pleased
Category: Romance and Relationships

Last night....

You cuddled your head under my arm and slowly grazed your hand accross my stomach
Playing with my panties with a knowing touch as to what you were stimulating underneath
A slow movement up to my breasts exciting my breath to a quick steady pace.

You untucked your face from my arm and slowly moved down my tummy
Down to my freshly trimmed garden, ready to graze on my fruits
You, stimulating my waterfall thats pours my sweet love all over you
Me, welcoming you up to put your strength inside of me, swimming in the pool of life

I feel so much pleasure as you slide easily in and out of me
I keep a strong yet graceful grip around you as you explore inside
Just enough friction to feel like a glove, slick with the juices that welcome you home
I'm caught up in the pleasure and throw the pillow over my face
My body is on fire, blood pulsing through my pleasure zones.
Your arms hold me effortlessly
You whisper my name as I grab your thigh to pull you in deeper and tighter
My body moans with my mouth's sighs
I'm ready, you're ready
You give me your seed to make mine

Katrina: Gulfport, Mississippi 9 months later

The feeling is indescribable as I drive my rental car along the bumpy highway. She had given me a tour the day before, but I wasn't prepared. I really couldn't fathom what I was about to see. Only three rolls of film, so I put the camera down on the car seat next to me and rolled the window all the way down. The humid salty air painted my skin as it whipped into the truck. I caught myself holding my breath until I choked. She would interject into my desperate babbling from time to time to give me some "locals-only" insider knowledge as to what I was seeing. I was happy to hear her voice as it meant my own incessant chatter and bewilderment could rest for a moment. On the other hand, her words created a sad desperation of their own to mark my heart like few other experiences.

I felt like I was stuck in a quasi-world dangling between the decadent South, a war-zone, a third world country, and an old settler's baron land. Addresses marked on dying hundred-year-old oak trees with nervous spray paint. It was hard to tell where we were without the markings. I kept imagining the horror of those stranded or too weak to evacuate. The shrimp boats catapulted into the trees, tucked away in the marsh.

I'm back the second day on my own this time. Fully stocked with film and free to stop and soak in the surroundings as I catalog what I can see in 35 mm roll after roll. The beach is closed except for carefully combed sections of pristine white Gulf-Coast sand. The scene is scant so I casually stroll off to the restricted portions of the waters. Here is where I find a treasure trove of wreckage and a host of saturated items representing lifetimes of memories and accumulation of personal stories. Mattresses rotten and algae trimmed caught under the haggard, broken docks. A microwave oven clinging to the branches of an old oak tree lofting in the shallow beach waters. No one will ever know the extent of the items that have taken up residence in the warm, welcoming waters. A ladies handbag washed up on shore adorned with proud barnacles sits lonely in the sand.

Once elegant Southern palaces with their garage-conversion slave quarters sit gutted. Foundations remain as a newfound patio for the luxury of a FEMA trailer.

The nearby cemetery is disheveled as if having fallen prey to pipe bombs. I close my eyes and suck in a deep sigh as her words float in my mind "yes, there were caskets floating in the flood waters."

Photos: copyright 2006 Nichole Leigh

The virtues of waiting to start a family

May 30, 2006 - Tuesday


The virtues of waiting to start a family
Current mood: exanimate
Category: Life

I was running with the pod on shuffle this morning and Marianne Faithfull came on with "The Ballad of Lucy Jordan". I got shivers running up the back of my legs and all the way to the base of my skull. I wish I could share this song with the young folks out there. Not because I wanted to depress anyone, but because for me, it speaks a strong message for waiting to start a family. Living your life to it's fullest and feeling as if you've made a good whack at your dreams and never settling is a beautifully peaceful thing. I cannot imagine how trapped Lucy feels. I believe that having love without happiness is worse than being alone. Finding love with fulfillment is the greatest gift you can give yourself. You will be surprised at how your happiness can be a gift to those around you as well. Love alone can come and go easily, we cannot help who we love, but finding love with compatibility, satisfaction and understanding is my personal Holy Grail. It's ok to want it all.

Loved

May 29, 2006 - Monday
Loved


Baby, I don't know why you love me like you do
So much baggage, nothing like you
Maybe you can see that I'm takin' off the load
Leavin' packages all along the road
I'm giving you all of me
Everything you need, you'll see

The usual at Easy Street
Two times a week is sweet
Love me out in your streets
Love me under your sheets
I'm giving you all of me
Everything you need, you'll see

Malkmus said you are so much like me
There's no other way I'd want you to be
Tell me your stories and I'm satisfied
Cover me from the storm, I need a place to hide
I'm giving you all of me
Everything you need, you'll see

8:27 PM - 12 Comments - 19 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

I had a home-made Pandora back in 1986

In 1986, I fell in love with a boy.

He was amazing. A gentleman, beautiful, strong, and oh so kind. To spare you a long familiar story, things just couldn't work for us. But I was so crazy about him and therefore just crushed when it broke down. Teenage girls lament in very odd ways. Mine, albeit all too familiar, was undoubtedly before it's time.

Even though they did not exist, I remember my very first mp3 editing experience nonetheless. I put my LP's on the floor in my room on shuffle mode and created a playlist. Not just a plain old mixed cd style song list, but a custom song made up of phrases. I wrote my sad lament in the words of Nazareth, Prince, Cyndi Lauper, Tom Petty, Van Halen, George Michael and Madonna. I held my hand-held tape deck up to the speakers of the record player and did a slamming editing job on cassette.

I miss those days of self expression. So much vigilance to nurse my hormone driven angst. Today, I sit and I blog. I isolate from my friends and I consider how it would feel to cry. So if I go in the shower and cry. I try but, I know I can't, please the thirst of my woes with a saline quench. It's funny though how numb to passion I've become. I cannot ever experience the deep unadulturated happiness and sorrow that walked in and out of my life with that boy in 1986. As I grow, I develop and fine tune myself. But I lost that purity as I became jaded and numb.

I have to start making art again. I don't like the sadness of indiference that comes with fitting into suburbia's norm.

9:32 PM - 15 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Sexy songs playlist

"The Secret Garden" Quincy Jones Featuring Barry White, Al B. Sure!, El DeBarge, & James Ingram

"Feelin' Love" Paula Cole

"Ceux Qui N'Ont Rien" Patricia Kaas

"Maria Maria" Santana Featuring The Project G&B

"So Anxious" Ginuwine

"Les Yeux Ouvert" The Beautiful South

"Via Con Me" Paolo Conte

"Principles of Lust (Sadness)" Enigma

"Feels So Good" Chuck Mangione

"With or Without You" U2

"Justify My Love" Madonna

"I'm On Fire" Bruce Springsteen

"Vibrate" Outkast

"Pour Que Tu M'aime Encore" Celine Dion

"À Saint-Lunaire" Patricia Kaas

"La Mer" Kevin Kline

"Il Me Dit Que Je Suis Belle" Patricia Kaas

"Someone Like You" Van Morrison

"Reste Sur Moi" Patricia Kaas



Enjoy, and make some love: it's on the house!

Political Philosophy: On the current immigration issues

Things that are effortless are the best things in life.

Last night, a wise Native American man plead to a group of people to welcome our brothers and sisters from Canada, Mexico, Panama, and the like as such, our brothers and sisters. he went on to explain that had it not been for events such as the yielding of California to the Union and Texas at the Alamo, the people we know as Navajo, Yuki, Mohave, Apache and many others would simply be Mexicans today. The borders are artificial borders and our people (the Natives) span two hemispheres.

His intention was not to make a political statement, yet his words were so strong in light of the current situation. I have been moved by the words lately of so many Native Americans being so pro-immigrant. Somehow it seems absurd to them that the descendants of immigrants (the white man) claim so much that this land cannot welcome it's native brothers and sisters from a mile or an inch past an artificial line.

If it is solely about being illegal or respecting the laws, I ask you to consider this: In the words of Red Wolf, "Everyone is ignoring that these people, because of their status try ferverently to obey the law and pay taxes. Their only crime is to not YET have legal residency. Aside from that they generally obey all of the laws for fear of being caught. I ask you then, to tell me that you, as a citizen, have never done something illegal? You'd be hard pressed to find me a person who has never cheated on his taxes. You are no different than the one without papers who pays his taxes."

One of the founding fathers of our modern political philosophy (aside from Hobbes and a sprinkle of others) was John Locke. Influencing our Constitution, Democratic structure, and essentially everything we know as law and politics in the United States, John Locke is rightfully one of the most respected political philosophers. Why then does our greed for land ignore one of the mainstays of his views on property? He said in his Two Treatises ~2.27, one must leave enough and as good for others (the sufficiency restriction) when staking claims on property. To embrace these ideals when it benefits us and ignore them when it comes time to benefit others is absurd and hypocritical. In a world where population overgrowth has made this simple concept unobtainable, how can we rectify this? Ought it not be to share the land with our own people?

A friend said to me last night that it is time that someone takes a stand against Nationalism in the same way that people such as MLK took a stand against Racism. I said to say that with passion and not act is the hinderance to change.

Weird things about me

I was asked to puplicly expose myself on the topic "6 Weird Habits of yourself"

1. I can't fall asleep without noise or a person next to me. I have a tendency to over-analyze and completely mind-fuck myself all night long, so it's tv, radio, or my lover singing me a song....

2. I get aroused by strange things like a person's show of intelligence, creative thinking, the way he breathes, and a few other things.

3. I don't really buy into the "return a favor" thing. I either do it out of the goodness of my heart and don't expect a thing, or I don't do it at all. I habitually refuse to collect on favors owed out of spite.

4. I love to watch real surgeries (hip replacements, angioplaty, catarax surgery) on TV.

5. I'm obsessive about running but I can't stand the gym.

6. I'm addicted to dental floss.

Understanding homelessness

Last weekend I went out with a friend who's been asking me to go out for some time now and I never wanted to go because I seem to always have something else going on. I'm so glad I finally went because we had such a nice time at this chic place in Belltown, The Queen City Grill. After a really chill evening of drinks, conversation and fabulous Ahi apps, I walked out with a glow I hadn't had in weeks.

But, just like a lot of things lately, my glow was quickly doused by a bucket of yuck. You see, I was doing a little people observing of a couple of girls at the next table over. One of them asked the other to cover the bill of $90 when it came because she "forgot her wallet" and only had a few singles on her. As we all happened to leave at the same time, we all walked past a homeless man selling the local homeless newspaper named "REAL CHANGE" (instead of panhandling, these guys get lisenced to buy the papers and sell them for $1 which I believe is a $.50 profit). I think it's a positive program and was pleased to see the girl who paid the bill ask her friend if she could have one of her singles. The second girl refused going off about how she is a single mom who works hard and doesn't get child support and it's a rack of BS that these freaks can't do it if she can and she won't support their laziness. As the other girl argued that this WAS this person's job and the pay was terrible, but being homeless makes you less than desireable when interviewing for jobs. The other one responded about how she can't afford to support them at this point in her life. But the woman can expect her friend to pick up a $90 FRIGGING TAB???

I've been sick about the way people view the homeless. I run everday at Green Lake and today I saw a woman on the bench with her bags turned to the side with tears in her eyes. He skin was leathered from the sun and she was holding an old picture. The lake was packed and no one even looked at her. I wanted to stop and talk to her. But what was I going to say? That I understand how she feels? That I can somehow brighten her day? Unlike the Greenlake stay-at-home moms with their $500 baby joggers and their half million dollar homes on East Greenlake Drive (don't ask me what they cost on the "good side" of the lake).

Who am I really but another single mom trying to make it in the world? I'm just like anyone else. I'm just one step away from being that lady on the bench crying over something she's lost.

I've cried a lot this past couple of weeks over losing a cat, losing money, and rejection. I want so much that I don't have, just like everyone else. But what I do have is compassion and empathy. I never can understand what brought every individual to the streets, but maybe tomorrow, I'll think of something to say. Maybe tomorrow, I'll stop and ask her about the picture she clutches. Maybe tomorrow.....

Love on Wall Street

How much should a person invest into "falling in love"? Should it be weeks, months or years? Once you are there, should you wait for the other person to catch up or bail before they decide to sit the race out? Say you are the type that needs a more aggressive investment. You want intensity, desire, friendship. You want the whole package. You need that passion to bond with a lover for life and the risk is worth the large payout. But you make a bad trade that has your hands tied. Your reckless day-trade of throwing love around made you wind up falling for someone who needs a slow, marinating investment in order to consider keeping it for the long term. Should you compromise your needs (that you know are the things that will keep this relationship lasting for you) and take the chance that it may be ok skipping the reciprocal passion to let your partner marinate? Or should he/she try to step it up to try to make his/her partner satisfied? My question today is strictly philosophical: If two people are generally comaptible, but not on the same page, can they ever get to retirement? Should we keep the portfolio we ended up with or should instinct forsee the as a red flag to failure? Fight or flight? Wait it out or leave before you've wasted years? I personally have no idea. I haven't yet gotten it right.

Brains Before Beauty

Ever make the mistake of Google~ing an ex?

Provided you ever dated anyone noteworthy enough to get put on the net, you can really see how life has been treating them. I'm not proud, but my kookoo friend twisted my arm enough to do it.

For instance, I just Googled the a guy I used to date that I worked with a decade ago. He was a prominant executive chef at a well known restaurant. What I found: He owns a swank place downtown these days (*to remain nameless). He was so frigging hot it was difficult to walk past this guy without having slight heart failure. As far as his personality, he was very selfish and conceited, not much good for anything with the lights on. And he had that kind of facial hair that scratched your face, so you could never kiss. He was a real jackass, but I was a slave to my hormones back then and it didn't matter. I couldn't take his void of personality for long and moved on. Google confirmed I made the right decision. He's likely still a jerk, but now he's also bald and chubby! Not that looks matter much as we age. And I admit I'm not exacly the hottie I used to be either. But damn, it puts things in perspective!

So the moral of the story is:

Beauty fades
Substance and Integrity don't.

If you find the latter, forgoe the former and HOLD on with all you got cuz, as my close friend said the other day, "She aint gettin any younger."

6 weird things about me

Strange, but true

1. I'm a sucka for Salami and Prosciutto
2. I have a little black dot in my iris of my left eye just below my pupil
3. I recycle boyfriends often (usually years later)
4. I secretly want to be a judge, not a lawyer... a judge
5. Kids and dogs are strangely drawn to me
6. I have an addiction to dental floss

The Sims: frighteningly close to real life

April 25, 2006 - Tuesday


All I wanted to do was kiss her!

So my friend's 6 yr old daughter was playing Sims and she decided to create herself a girlfriend.
She decided to kiss the girl. Not paying too much attention to her, no one knew what was happening but you could hear all this clicking. All of a sudden there's this sound of wedding bells. The little girl suddenly blurts out "OH Darn, we're married? But all I wanted to do was kiss her!"

Who says Sims isn't realistic~ Isn't that the way it usually goes down?

10:43 PM - 7 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Inside my thoughts

I've gone over this and under
Danced gracefully around my blunder
Popping pills called passion
While you dole out love in ration
It's effective, selective
Momentarily objective
I gave my notice to your heart
You said don't kill it before we start
So I take your hand
And walk sleepily in the sand
As you calm my fire
and build a hearth for my desire

Nichole P Leigh

Black/White girl

April 18, 2006 - Tuesday


Black White Girl
Current mood: ponderous

Today I was told that my friend was almost certain thet I was part Negro. I could go on to explain the reasons why, but they have no relevance in this blog. It was very endearing coming from her. She's an amazing, classy Jewish/African American woman and I respect and love her deeply. I told her that I didn't think (or wasn't aware of) having any negro blood, although I wouldn't mind if I did.

She went on to tell me about her philosophy that when something is in your blood, even just in the tiniest bit, one is somehow more connected to the culture. You don't have to know it or have been raised with it.

Case in point: Someone recently was told that she is 1/8th Native American. Her tribe is the Lenape (Delaware, as named by the white man). She said what was interesting was that those people (her people?) were simplisticly creative wearing a simple beaded headband with a feather or two hanging down. They prefered simple and elegant beadwork over more ornate fashions. This leads to the interesting part... her mother (1/4 blood) has had this amazingly intimate love for beadwork. It has been her art of choice since as far back as she can remember and she created lovely beaded fashions long before they were cool. She was so connected to this before we ever knew the truth about who her grandmother was.

A dear friend of mine who is Native American (Lummi tribe) was expaining to me that he was not surprised. In his culture, anscestors live on in spirit through you. Even if you are unaware of who your anscestors are.

I find it interesting to think of all the peoples and cultures centuries back that incorporate my bloodline. Especially since I don't even know what it all is. I wonder about the time before we ever adapted to our climates and became Asian, European, African, and what not, when we were all just one people in the beginning. We are clearly coming to a point in our "melting pot" that we are becoming one race again. Will we then migrate and adapt centuries from now and our current cultures will become once again the forgotten people of the past?

I decided to tackle the National Archives and see what I could find.

If my behavior and being is dictated somehow through unknown channels of DNA or "spirit" to my ancestors, then it seems more important than ever to find out who these people are. It's a very daunting task, but I'm saddened to think of those who weren't considered worth records like the descendants of slavery. Saddened once again at the aftermath in that they may never know their true roots.

My question for everyone today is this (and please, please answer as best you can in your comments):

Do you know who you are?

7:55 PM - 12 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Animal instincts

April 17, 2006 - Monday


Animal Instincts
Current mood: mournful
Category: mournful Pets and Animals
I'm alergic to cats, but somehow I wound up with a couple. Begrudgingly, I even ended up really attached. My orange tomcat was hilarious. For that much entertainment, the allergies were easily a bargain.

When Kingston cat was dying, we found my little dog and other kitty curled up next to him. Marco was barking at him and snuggling him to try to get him to snap out of it.

The usual m/o of 'hide all day' Bamboo was thrown aside. Now she sits at the window all day or by the door for Kingston to come home and he doesn't. Her watch is determined and steady without even the usual wince as strangers pass by.

Both of them seem so needy these days and their appetites have gone. I wonder if they understand.

I got a sympathy card in the mail today from the vet and I burst into tears.

Geez, it's just a cat. Animals die, people die. So why is this so hard? Was it because his death was so incredibly violent and traumatic? I don't know why I'm so affected. We are innundated with Dr. Phil's and Life coaches. Numbed by the nightly news and CSI. My educated superior brain is supposed to know how to keep our hearts safe from ache, right? I guess I'm just primitive like Marco and Boo. Instinct is to mourn, so I'm just going to lay down and cry.

'tis better to give than receive

I'm alive
I'm open wide.

Last night I gave sensuality
You bled love over top of me

I'm a giver, it's hard for me to receive
I need to get to that place
Where I'm wrapped around you finger
Could you please love me less?

i know a girl (Poetry)

I know a girl who slips on her heart
She better stop doing it or else she'll get hurt.
She's cool, she cares, she'll make you al-right
It's all about you when she's in your world.
People walk by her and say ooh, baby, that's what I love a-bout you.
But I'm watching her spirit die cuz no one says I love you.

I wonder if she's like the lillies in my yard.
Every year I cut them to the core.
The next year they come back for more.
How many seasons of frost can she take?
Can she die a million times and avoid the rake?
I want to tell her I love her. But I don't. I only love how she makes me feel.

© Nichole Leigh

Undeliverable (Poetry)

Undeliverable

I'm longing for your love.
I'm longing for you to hold me.
Every time my phone rings, my heart skips a beat.
It's not you on the other side.

You wrapped us up in a neat package.
And mailed us off to an unknown address.

Please, my love
Tell me what was missing.
Tell me where I went wrong.
Tell me what keeps you longing for something else.

I had so much more to give to you
But it all lays waste in a pile marked "undeliverable"

© Nichole Leigh

Are emotions like dandelions? Left unattended they multiply

So I had an interesting conversation today with a friend of mine. We deciided to make today THE day to go grocery shopping. It was some SERIOUS shopping, first to Trader Joes for all the organic and swank stuff, not to mention the cheap wine. Then it was off to Safeway for the staples. Finally it was Uwajimaya to get green tea ice cream, sashimi, and oysters.

So this girl, I love her but she's in a hard space right now. She's feeling a lot of emotions right now and she's kinda pissed that she even has to be dealing with the stuff that she is.

I started thinking about my last blog and I tried to deliver the virtues of emoting. But she was just pissed. It dawned on me that the difference between me, being ok with my emotions and those that don't want to feel is that I'm not carrying a secondary emotion. *I have no idea if this is a real concept, but I'm gonna take credit for it at least until someone sets me straight. As far as I know it came to me a priori.

It's a realtively simple concept. You have emotions that make you uncomfortable and a secondary emotion develops either in response or defense. One that is sad or depressed becomes angry. One that is lonely becomes depressed and so forth. This extra emotion complicates and prolongs the situation whereas just being in the moment/feeling the first emotion helps you move on and grow. If you deal with it, the other one can't develop. So the question is, and possibly the answer: Why not stop doing that?

Psycho Killer ~Qu'est que c'est?

I think I should add a DISCLAIMER to this so that I don't get myself into trouble:
* this blog is NOT based on actual events or persons other than myself, noone was harmed in it's writing and if you feel it is directed to you personally rest assured that I did not have anyone in mind when writing it. But please feel free to do some self-examinating if it strikes a chord. With that said, read on my friends!

People that think they don't feel emotions are WRONG! It surprises me these days how many people say they don't get mad, aren't mad, don't get sad, never get REALLY excited, don't really seem to feel anything ~no ups, no downs. It's not possible, unless you are a serial killer. The actual definition for someone who does not feel is a sociopath.....hmmm, I don't think I want to be THAT!

I'm not saying you have to be a manic depressive, but get real. Most of these people share their anger in a passive agressive manner or run from the highs in life and hide behind a veil of stability. Unfortunately, these are the same people that end up unhealthy, unhappy, unstable or alone. The sad part is that they never experienced life any other way and probably don't have a clue how wonderful it is with emotions.

I'm so glad that I'm a fireball who experiences and savors every moment and emotion I feel GOOD or BAD! I'm probably the most balanced person I know and I'm happy because I let myself get hurt so I know what feeling good really feels like when it comes. Or at least I know I'm real and alive.

Leaving a lover

Leaving a lover

You said you finally believe me now.
We were once connected as one
Making myself better bleeds you out.
How can I be hurting you this way?
Issuing pain in daily doses like Methadone.
Am I worth your price?
If I sustain you, please keep a part of me.
I don't want to be paid in full.
I've left you, but not because I didn't love you.
Take that with your guitar
And play me always in your heart.
I cannot be yours, but what I gave is yours to keep.

The Science of LOVE

So who else read the February issue of National Geographic? *I might be the only nerd on MySpace*
Weeeeellllll....as you can see it's about love. But not what you think. They break the whole thing down by chemical reactions in your brain.

Did you know that your brain creates massive amounts of Dopamine from the first month extending into the first year or so of a relationship? It certainly explains the euphoria, reckless behavior, and feeling of invincibility. Interestingly though, the brain in love is indistinguishable from the brain with OCD (Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder). Both brains create extremely low levels of Seratonin making being lovesick analgous to mental disease.

But Passion ends after the Dopamine surges wear off. We needed the passionate love to copulate, but it also creates the desire to breed. Doped up on Dopamine, couples tend to procreate and then bond over the "task" of raising a child (at least through infancy). Sadly, most couple break up after 4 years when the child is no longer a helpless infant. Some cultures balk at the thought of selecting a mate based on something so fleeting as passion.



There seems to be several years of not much happening at all, but by golly if we can make it to the decade or 15 year mark, we get more brain goodies from our partner. Couples that have grown to love each other over the time where there is no more *high* no more *cautious handling of the replicated DNA* get the whopper of all brain chemies, the Oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that promotes a feeling of bonding and connection. It is the one that mothers release when nursing their babies.

Evolutionary Psychologists say attraction comes from health and body structure. Things like that 70 percent waist to hip ratio signifying fertility in a woman and a man with rugged features signifies a massive amount of Testosterone yielding a strong immunity for your child.

In a Swiss experiment asking 49 women to smell sweaty T-shirts previously worn by unidentified men revealed a similar result. The women rated the shirts from best-smelling to worst-smelling. The result: Women preferred the scent of a T-shirt worn by a man whose genotype was most different from hers. The result of this pairing of opposing genotypes is a child with a strong immune system.

Jogging in place when you first meet someone or riding a roller coaster on your first date will usually lead to more and more dates. Scientists believe that novelty triggers Dopamine and doing something novel with your date from the get go is more likely to *feed* the attraction. So remember, be silly and have fun and you might just fall in love!

Comments:
I didn't read that particular article, but yes, I did read the whole Dopamine deal in a medical journal that's out of England when I was doing some research about chemicals in our brains during love. You added some very interesting and salient information on this subject. I'm really interested in the sweaty t-shirt thing ... Oxytocin is also what they give you if you aren't birthing your baby fast enough. How novel that it is also linked to bonding and connection. I would never have guessed that part in a zillion years. Honestly, I can't wait to read your blogs. They always make me think, think, think.
Posted by Cocoalove (Flexwriter) on April 4, 2006 - Tuesday at 11:53 PM

Well, there's a whole lotta sheeeet that I have to research because I'm a philosopher, I have a desperate need to GET it! I'm excited that I can see love in a more logical light! Crazy about Oxytocin, maybe all the "induced" babies are more bonded from the start?
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on April 4, 2006 - Tuesday at 11:56 PM

I can't say that I actually read my Nat'l Geographic this time around, I'll have to get that one out from under the coffee table leg (hehe just kidding I love NG!!), but this was an awesome blog. I loved it. I am not too into the whole love thing, but I certainly love crushin..I shall go around running in place when I see cute guys. Yay!
Posted by Altruistic KeMari 47 on April 5, 2006 - Wednesday at 5:38 AM

That's pretty awesome. I'm a nerd, but I didn't read national geographic this month. Thanks for dropping that knowledge on me. And I apologize for using that phrase.
Posted by Petey on April 5, 2006 - Wednesday at 8:01 AM

Dopamine. So that's what it called huh? Let's just say I'm strung up on Dopamine right now.
Posted by Miss Eve on April 5, 2006 - Wednesday at 8:03 AM

It's all making sense now, isn't it?
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on April 5, 2006 - Wednesday at 8:06 AM

So the moral is. When you think you're in love, just remind yourself it's a mental illness and go the psychiatrist and get some Wellbutrin or Lithium to counteract that OCD. Oh, oops sorry. I forgot to tell you I'm a pragmatist and I don't believe in love. But, it doesn't mean I'm not a nice person. This is beautiful work though. Kisses, love. (but not really because I don't believe in love :)
Posted by LakerBunny on April 5, 2006 - Wednesday at 12:41 PM

*She reads this and laughs her ass off! This just goes to show you that love is not what you think it is. But I'm still in love with love, it must just be the Oxytocin kicking in! Damn, I love the philosophy of science~

Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on April 5, 2006 - Wednesday at 12:49 PM

This was the 1st I heard of anything like that, but I agree 100%
Posted by Ms. Kay-Kay on April 5, 2006 - Wednesday at 2:09 PM

Yea i heard that love thing is pretty much like a drug. Think it has the highest damn number of fiends to lol
Posted by *JoE sez: stop savin my pics to your harddrive ;P on April 5, 2006 - Wednesday at 2:51 PM

I like you on Dopamine
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on April 5, 2006 - Wednesday at 2:59 PM

no WONDER i act like such a dork regarding that special someone...
Posted by that's miz dork to you on April 6, 2006 - Thursday at 6:57 AM

That is fascinating stuff. I'm not surprised though- brain chemicals are amazing. I want a love drug- do you think they can bottle it?
Posted by Celina Mirabai on April 7, 2006 - Friday at 10:42 AM

Wow.
Posted by kiraannbaby© [janee] on July 13, 2006 - Thursday at 12:00 PM

Isn't this cool?
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on July 13, 2006 - Thursday at 12:08 PM

Really interesting blog. Thanks!
Posted by Christine, US Ambassador of Love on July 13, 2006 - Thursday at 12:09 PM

Sure explains a lot, huh?
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on July 13, 2006 - Thursday at 1:35 PM

my hubby and I are at that not-so-high point of our marriage (we got the kids to prove the begin bit too) but, we fall more in love and connect more completely everyday. I can't wait for the Oxy in like 10 years, bring it on!!!
Posted by kathryn on July 13, 2006 - Thursday at 3:50 PM

hang in there sweetie!
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on July 13, 2006 - Thursday at 4:12 PM

Great stuff, hope I get that ultimate Oxytocin some day. Teach me more, PLEASE!
Posted by ROBERT's laptop died Be Back Soon on July 13, 2006 - Thursday at 10:44 PM

Thanks for this info.... Wow, I need some Dopamine right about now.
Posted by LakerBunny on July 14, 2006 - Friday at 11:46 PM

you aren't the only nerd on myspace :)
Posted by the lindsay on July 17, 2006 - Monday at 10:37 AM

you might not say that if you knew my other favorite magazine is Scientific American!!!
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on July 17, 2006 - Monday at 2:51 PM

am i on crack or did you post this twice....?
Posted by jAh~"who";;3k (Df)(Docd) on August 12, 2006 - Saturday at 6:58 PM

duuh..it says repost..i didnt see that nm..haha
Posted by jAh~"who";;3k (Df)(Docd) on August 12, 2006 - Saturday at 6:59 PM

Words and Sticks and Stones... Name calling broken down like bones

what are words for?

They are very powerful. We are taught to use them to enhance, emphasize, devalue or describe. But the real power is not in 'floral' additions to rhetoric, rather in how they are applied. They can cause irreperable harm when they are used to communicate emotional blows. Those are wounds that don't easily heal and the scars impossible to hide. I'm not perfect and in my lifetime I've duked it out with 'poopyheads' on the playground into Rated R rapid verbal assault. I'm not proud, but I've done my share of hitting below the belt from time to time. But I'm so sensitive, I'm not that good at blocking blows and I usually end up on the losing side of a fight. I got hit with a few recently and I didn't have any room on my heart for another scar. I decided to block this time and take pride in words that were delivered intending to bruise my self esteem. I'm going to show you how name-calling (provided you are aware of your self worth) can be softened and worn with pride. Some words I've encounterd that I've decided to re-apply:

Name calling- pain or pride, you decide:


volatile: Tending to violence; explosive
one that is volatile can often be passionate


whore: A person considered sexually promiscuous
one who is comfortable in her sexuality, ability to express closeness through the physical


compulsive: A person with behavior patterns governed by a compulsion rather than self control
one that acts rather than regrets. Impulse is equated with ingenuity


naive: Unsuspecting or credulous
optimistic


ideological: One who thinks too much
Of or concerned with ideas. The practice of seeking the coexistence of optimism and pragmatism


saturated: Unable to hold or contain more; over-full.
better than empty


altruistic: easily and often taken advantage of
unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness


Currently listening :
Rhyme & Reason
By Missing Persons
Release date: 21 November, 2000

Being approachable... a not so out of the norm strange encounter

March 20, 2006 - Monday


A strange encounter
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

The strangest thing happened to me today.

I decided to take myself out to lunch at the local Mexican restaurant and read a book. I was about 1/3 of the way through my scallop tostada when the lady at the next table approached me. She politely asked me if she could interrupt and ask me a question. I was certain it was about the book I was reading or about the waiter whom I had just finished a brief catch-me-up on this, my old favorite haunt.

Not that at all...

So she asks me as she sits down across from me about what Seattle is "like". Of course this is not the simple question I once suspected it would be. Turns out she's considering relocating from San Francisco. I discuss with her my best pro's and con's view of Seattle. She presses on and for some strange reason, I'm not even bothered that we've been sitting for almost a half an hour! I am not at all concerned that my lunch sits half eaten in front of me and I've ignored at least four calls and 3 email notifications. Not even saddened that my book went untouched (especially considering how rare these days I find the time), I'm actually really enjoying this conversation. Further, she tells me that there's this man that is a small part of her decision out here that she likes, but is not sure he feels the same.

Oddly enough many of her dilemmas have been discussed in recent blogs and I felt pretty comfortable with discussing the subject matter. As I inquired about small details, I even noticed some parallels in my own current state and told her of some of my recent epiphanies.

It was so bizarre because every now and then I became consious of what was going on: That I was giving advice and conversing with a stranger who sat at my table as if she was one of my closest friends. It was a little Twilight-Zone-ish. I would momentarily think "WEIRD, isn't this?- That I'm talking like this with a stranger" and immediately pop back to the conversation. I sort of felt like a professor on the first day of class. I relaxed enough to finish my Tostada as she answered this all important question I shot out: INSTEAD OF THINKING OF WHAT IS HERE FOR YOU, TELL ME WHAT YOU WOULD BE LEAVING BEHIND.

As the conversation progressed, I could see her GENUINE interest in what I was saying. I could see her engaged and fully considering my questions before she answered them. She admitted that she's at the age (about mine) where she wants to fall in love and start a family. She's got her master's degree and now she wants a family. It's funny though, as old as we get, we still can feel 17 when we are confused. She said her face has broken out from stress and she's been spacey and needy this week (staying with *the guy*) trying to make her decision (or make it feel right). We laughed about how she's displaying all the turn-offs of the "getting to know you" stage with a guy. They want us flawlessly beautiful for the attraction, intellectally stimulating, and not-a-needy-emo case. And I told her I'm no one to talk. I haven't exactly gotten it right.

Try to look at the positive side of him seeing you at your worst. At least you'll find out right off the bat if he's shallow! And take heart in the fact that it can only get better.

All in all, it was a peculiar, yet invigorating experience. The convo was no different than ones I've had a dozen times with close friends. She's confused, she's in limbo, about to make a change she's considered for the past year. She's infatuated, she's stressed, she's excited. I will always wonder what happened to her.

9:42 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Should I stay or Should I go? Knowing when to 'call the fight'

So I was thinking today about turning points. You know the moment in which something can go one way or another and you choose to make a change.

I read an excerpt of a book in Esquire back in High School that was quite intriguing. It was about a writer and an artist that cheat on their spouses together in this torrid affair in his studio. The thing that I've taken with me from this piece was the thing called "the hate click".

You see, they always want to talk about the moment you first fell in love like you clicked on a light switch. But what about the moment you realize that you can no longer stand the person you used to love. You find yourself hating the little things just as you found yourself loving them. You hate the way they comb their hair, you hate the way they eat their food, you hate the way they breathe!

But what about that moment in between? In all of my failed relationships, I can look back on a painful end to a relationship that probably had no chance of survival. I can see the clear moments when things started to change. It was certainly long before the relationship ended, but my idealism kept me from looking at the red flags. I ignored one thing because it was just one small thing. I let things add up until I was saturated and quite frankly admittedly was probably saturating the other person as well. Sometimes, there seems to be far too much baggage to end it, far to many people would be hurt, far too much invested and promised. We wait until we are too afraid to break someone's heart or throw away the time we've invested. We all can look back and say, man, if I had just ended it then when I first got that gut feeling something wasn't right......

I would have saved myself and others a world of hurt. So what are the warning signs? If you hear someone say early on that they can't stand kids and you really want them, why can't you just ask the person if you two can figure out a comprimise and discuss whether it's worth even wasting time. Wouldn't it be nice if we could tell the one we are dating that we need more attention like sweet observations about your choice of seafood, an occasional "you look pretty today" or "I really like how you told that driver off, that made me hot!" Why can't we tell the other person that they smother and stifle us, they scare us, they hurt us when they are curt. Why can't we say we think they might be the right one and see if they feel the same. If they don't feel the same, it's so much easier to know in the beginning, not the end. Instead of wondering if things will change and the communication or the sex will get better or we may see eye to eye politically someday, we could just ask the person and they could just tell us and we could make the decision to accept or back out. Why can't we be true to ourselves enough to ask honestly for what we need? it seems fair, doesn't it? Why do people freak out when you try to establish things up front so that you two can just have fun with each other (or get to steppin'). Why is this a pushy thing? Why can't we work out the details like a healthy business negotiation when it comes to love so that we can make a smarter decision. I sincerely think that more marriages would work out and there would be less unplanned pregnancies if we could just figure out the turning points and really get a chance to make an informed decision.

I don't ever want to be that person again that looks back and says "I wish I had left when I could because now I can't." or "I wasted so much of my life." I want to be the one that says "You and I were great, I'll always feel a special place for you. I want you to find a better fit for you so you can truly be happy and so can I."

As ever, the idealist...

Intellectal Intercourse/A Beautiful Mind

Have any of you heard of an "intellectual affair" or "intellectual intercourse"- or is it something I made up in my strange brain? I've spoken about this recently in some depth with someone close to me. I enjoyed the reaction of "oh yes, that explains this experience" more than I thought I would.

Let me just give the thoughts here:

1. You communicate with this person at a higher level than you do with your everyday communications, even your best friends and lovers.

2. As with a physical affair, you get excited at the thought of this person. But the difference is that you recall the person's voice and the thought of that person talking to you in itself gives you chills.

3. You feel compelled to ask this person questions that may incite a deep conversation.

4. You are in sync with this person in strange ways such as lines of thinking and things a simple as breathing in tandem.

5. Words and images exchanged pass through your mind, sometimes in shards that quicken your pulse, distract you, claim you.

6. You find yourself thinking about/wanting to talk to this person when you notice an unexpected detail, an interesting fact, or an amazing story.

7. You find yourself more creatively connected: writing, singing, dancing, etc. as if you have a muse.

8. You feel more sensual, you find yourself sexier than you were before even if you've never made love to this person.

9. Your desire for this person is much more intense than your basic steamy physical affair.

And the oddity of the whole thing is in it's power. These connections, unlike sex cannot ever be casual. Ask yourself (if you absolutely had to choose) whether you'd rather have your spouse cheat on you with body but no emotional or attachment of the mind or cheat on you in the style I've jusst outlined?


-Nichole P Leigh

A spin on the Pre-Nup

I used this about 11 years ago, it was pretty funny. I hope some of you can make use of it ;)

P R E - R E L A T I O N S H I P A G R E E M E N T

The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her) being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him)

1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further each party agrees to make known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the "first date" either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be accelerated; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".

5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between the two parties during the working day, and each party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate 50f the phone calls. Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabulary. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their normal personalities .

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross income aside - "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:

(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
(b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".

Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".)

8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless (and forget it happened) in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married." Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other party's right not to meet his parents.

9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word. . . "Gone."

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:

(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
(b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do that same thing";
(c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other member should seek "help";
(d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are..."; and
(e) complaining more than twice about the contents of the other party's refrigerator (or lack thereof).

11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases:

(a) "You'll never find anybody better";
(b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
(c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; and
(d) "My analyst thinks you are . . ." (Psychosis to be filled in at the proper time.)

12. MISCELLANEOUS:

(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes' notice before terminating said relationship;
(b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appears to be "on the rocks";
(c) at the termination of said affair:

(1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediary;
(2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends;
(3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:

"The timing wasn't right";
"He/She wanted more than I could give";
"He/She was too involved in his/her career";
"He/She decided to go back with/to his/her

(a) girl/boyfriend;
(b) last lover;
(c) hometown;
(d) therapist".

13. ADDENDUM I: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both parties agree to give the relationship "one (1) more shot".

14. ADDENDUM II: Appearance- Each party agrees to keep up his/her appearance in good faith and will look into "doing something about it" for gaining more than 8 lbs in any calendar year.

A softer side of me

As a philosopher, I've become quite intimate with skepticism. For the most part, I've taken a real hard-line approach on all matters including those of the heart. I have been passionately anti-marriage, anti-devotion, and cynical.

My education has become my emotional guide, but I have realized recently that experience has been the most powerful force above any intellectual matter. For so long, my own personal experinces had been so counter-productive to realistic relationship understandings. I've been watching a close friend through a rough break-up and entering the dating scene after 15 years. Since I've seen her marriage fall apart and this woman who was so devoted and "family" oriented become so cynical, it reminds me of who I used to be. I can't understand why seeing cynicism is causing my (what I thought was deep rooted) opinions and attitudes to change. She tells me that being cynical comes from her surroundings. It dawns on me that my own skepticism comes from watching the deepest betrayal of how I was raised unfold into my own life and relationships.

There have been a couple of serious traumatic things happen to people I am very close to in the past week and I wanted to vocalize that as of today, I have a new appreciation for life and relating with those I love. I don't want what I wanted. I don't need what I needed. I don't think I will ever say "never" again. The things I swore were for the ridiculously innocent are just things I don't understand because I've never had them. It's all new and wonderful and it's called life. For my family, friends, and those who love me; I'm ready to ride the roller coaster now, bring it on!

My idealistic (or maybe you might call it sophomoric) view on love

There's a subject that I've explored to a great extent the past few weeks.

"What makes two people more connected than others?"

I know from my own experience and watching my friends explore life, lovers and friendships that there are two kinds of relationships. The first is a lover or a friend on an outer level. I'll explore the idea of a lover mainly, but this concept is applicable towards all relationships incuding friendships, colleagues, family, and so on. In the outer level, you may experience chemistry, sexual attraction and compatibility, admiration, fondness, and many other below the surface feelings for this person. You may even experience deeper feelings of love and deep endearment. You may even develop intense passion and selflessness where this person is concerned. I believe this to be the case for easily 80 percent of relationships.

But what about that deeper level, the "soul mate" I know, it sounds so cliche' but for lack of a better term, I'll call it that. By a soul mate, I mean two people that have the things on the outer level, but something more. These people can start off finding a deep connection with each other in several levels. One of the most poignant or obvious way is deep cultural similarities OR (please note the "or" here) understangings. Similar thought process and intellectual compatibility. Comparable passions such as art, sports, music, reading, politics etc. and a balance between depth and chemistry in the interactions of the two. The two of you are not neccesarily carbon copies, but rather like minded. You both have taken the time to accept that the two of you are dynamic in thought, belief and choice, but the higher level of communication is always static. Your soulmate is balanced and reflective of yourself. A soulmate will notice the tiny similarities in the other, and relish the differences. A soulmate will never grow to resent these differences, but by contrast will admire and respect them because he/she took the time to really know you and accepts you for who you are. A soulmate grows with his/her partner never growing apart, even if on different paths.

A friend recently asked me how many people I thought were "out there" for you? My response was two, not necessarily two people but two possibilities of "types" of loves. Analogously, imagine a puzzle or a tailored suit. Certainly we can find an adeqaute off the rack sport coat in a generic size. But it's not you. It's functional, but you'd happily trade it in for a better one. You might make two pieces of a puzzle fit but if you haven't taken the time to see if it's the right fit, or just a temporarily 'i got one!' fit they aren't meant to be together. They will have to be taken apart eventually to truly complete the puzzle. Apply the imagery to our personalities and heart & soul... one can consider oneself molded with two people. If we imagine every person lined up across puzzle that is life. That person would find themselves back to back with a sufficient match and face to face with a perfect match. The person you are back to back with will fit your criteria as the basic compatible mate, but the one face to face has the elemental success of deep compatibility and understanding. Settling for a fit that doesn't allow the two of you to see eye to eye is a sad and tragic thing. I've tried to learn that not everything is meant for me. I am grateful for those that enhance my life. But for me, I'm looking for that person that will know me inside and out. What every gesture means, and loves my passion's penulum highs enough to accpet it's lows. Someone willing to teach and learn by my side. Just a companion. One who 'gets' me. And in reciprocity I'll do the same till the day I die.

Please feel free to comment and share your thoughts and objections.

Currently listening :
Workin' Together
By Ike and Tina Turner
Release date: 22 May, 2001

Plato

January 31, 2006 - Tuesday


Plato
Current mood: creative

When I read Plato's Republic, I learned (aside from all of the deep philosophical teachings) that Plato was sexist and the Greek diet is one of the healthiest.

Sexy?

I'm hungover today for the first time in AGES! It's completely irrelevant how I got that way, but I had a great time doing it --EVEN THOUGH I found myself defending my philosophy on marriage. I slept like a log the minute I hit the bed last night. My slumber was filled with wonderfully erotic dreams (does drinking too much do that to anyone else?) This morning as I was lying in bed, I was dreaming of some tall dark handsome stranger in my bed doing something I've never had done to me before- Licking my toes! I'm slowly waking up thinking "this is an interesting sensation, am I supposed to be turned on or grossed out?" I'm really glad I didn't make up my mind before I woke up and realized it was my dog licking my toes!!!!!!!!!