Fire

Fire

I’d rather not be here tonight
I knew from the start this was just a flame
I had my fun dancing around it –pretty little sparks
Playing with fire with simple urgency
Now I’m trying to finish what I started
Suffocating the longing with an old familiar blanket
Something is dying and you can see it in my eyes

You had to know this ignite doesn’t have long-term potential
I look into the future and I don’t see you in it
When I’m on that island you won’t save me
And I know that
Pretty soon the phone is just gonna ring
I will mean to call you back
But you‘ll know before I do that I won’t

Chorus:

Don’t feel bad baby love
I’ll always remember you calling me cupcake
If I see the scars from the lit-tle burns
Back when we were oh-so alive
And on fire

slow ride

I miss how you gave me so much love.
I miss how you gave me the feeling of Ernie & Bert.
I miss how you kept me safe and encouraged me to fall.
But baby the reason I'm missing you is because you set limits to all those things.
A bittersweet whirlwind of passion, you taught me how to be so free
Maybe that's why it hurt so bad when you pulled that rug from under me.

If it takes a hundred years
He's gonna take me there
Walls aren't so bad mister.
You shoulda told me while asking me to break them down
That I had prescient knowledge of reality.
I wanna take it slow, on my time,
It's a beautiful ride...

Options

Thanks to some early morning thought-provocation, I would like to clear up a common misconception. I'm not a person who just 'does what she wants'

I'm a person who has made the most desirable choices out of the available options. Most often what I want is not available to me.

It might behoove me to opt out in the future rather than make a choice that is merely acceptable rather than stellar. After all, I appear satisfied, but I'm just appeased at best. I'd rather not have that viewpoint cast upon me. I think this will open doors for me to actually get what I want

Trust is better without labels.. Status Schmatus

do you trust me?

this question's answer is the epitome of personal validation,

I've always believed that the only trust that is true is that which comes free of obligation.
ex: If you desire commitment from me you ought not require a label for the answer. As a matter of fact, my gift of true trust & commitment should come from my DESIRE to commit my longing for you & only you.... Not the necessity and reciprocity of that obligation.

If you are confused, let me just say this: If I say I love you. If I say I want you. If I open myself physically, emotionally, & actively to you... another's desire for me should not be of mind.

I am an attractive person, no Kim, no Nicole, no Ciara, by any means. But I am Coco. I have my attributes. I act on my impulses & out of my self, sensuality, intelligence & intrigue because I am who I am: who you desire. So think about it... why wouldn't another man desire me as well? It shouldn't threaten you, it should validate your choice. PERIOD.

Let me surmise that I am not the one all desire, but I am who YOU desire. Because of who I am. So why dammit wouldn't someone else agree with your choice? If this is the case, why would you want me to decline another advance solely because of my label tied to you & not because I just simply chose you?

I simply mean this: Is it more valuable that I have the label 'girlfriend' or 'wife'.......or would there be no value in my decline of another's advancement because I :::::chose you? Would you prefer I decline another's advance as "I'm flattered but...." or "I just simply am not interested" Take away the labels of "status" & allow a woman to choose based on simply who she wants & you have something real, not restricted.

Peace & Love, Coco

*the box, the label..is face security. The choice is the only commitment one should yearn for. If that is absent, that is the only matter for concern.

I have a past

I've barely slept. He told me last that he thinks I'm in love with someone else. The man had been involved with intimately for quite some time before we even met.

But he didn't understand that my love for that man, although it was inconsequential to he and I and required no clarification my part, was intricate and benign . As were all my past relations...inconsequential in that they had no immediate influence on "us". My past has formed me, true. But my past has no other relavance. Nor should it be of any mind other than ' love it or leave it'.

I'm going to stand my ground on my sentimentality & fondness of prior romantic or sexual influences.

Your take?

Uninvited and you oughtta know

Geez like a zillion years ago when I was young, I dated a man 9 years my senior. We went round and round for almost as long until the dance was just tired and blistered from repeated steps. We sat one sunny La Cieniga evening on the steps of his ultra white sofa flanked home where mail came FedEx and I had to be svelt and never sit on the sofa.

I was so in love with him
And he wanted so desperately to be in love with me.
but we weren't
at least not then
I could tell so many stories of passion....
desire....
intensity....

But one moment in the car
the radio played her.
Her angst tore us apart.
I was wise enough to know and he was young enough to feel that she was right.

Tick tock it was a matter of time.


He killed that girl. JDR made me. Made me then broke me.

 NPL.

Alanis the bitch followed it up. She just couldn't leave me alone... She screwewd me once and decided she'd write my fate again: over and over and over again....



Jaded bitch that I am... You.... I crave

Stop fucking with me please.

I am older than you but he broke me when I was a babe... just let me have this moment...

So one of my favorite blogs is gone. GONE! Disappeared into the abyss of 404 notifications. "Where Bourgeois Meets Ghetto" is no more.

I let go of my best (and oh so reminiscent of Nicole Ritchie) bff. *all in jest peeps, I'd never REALLY use kiddie text lingo. But in all seriousness, alcoholism is a demon that will eat the best of friendships alive. I'm happy, yet sad. I still have to hear about her escapades of 5-0 chasing her five deep for eluding and drunken idiocracy and hauling off her new man 10+ years her junior in her place to the klink. Somehow this made him her hero, go figure. I worry about the kids.

I came to terms with a friend I care for leaving our country to go back home *to the good life....
all the while cursing America for forgetting this past decade we WERE the promised land. I wonder what my ancestors would think, both native and immigrant.

Here I am now. Partly sad, partly relieved, 100% lonely.

Kinda scary thinking of not having that true friend, companion, partner by my side. You all call it a best friend. But I call it a true gift. I'm officially on the market for a best girlfriend and a boyfriend.

Girls: please no drama queens, have your own life, educated a plus, savvy and hip a must! Are there any of you left out there?

Guys: I don't want contracts and invasions of space. I don't want something that can be argued in a
propsition called #8. I just want someone who likes having me around from time to time and takes
me for what I'm worth. But gaaaawd! All the good ones are taken (at least I mean the ones that want to be involved). You guys know who you are, your either gay or content in your bachelor-ness. It's cool, I'm not hatin'. I never thought I'd actually settle down myself!

That was my mistake. He has already passed me by. She's already got her circle of friends and jumping in now is like infiltrating a high school clique. Doors closed, gone, 404'd or taken.

So I guess today I give my concession speech. But hey, I've saved my resume if any of you guys have a referral.

The Tipping Point

Yeterday was pretty good. Flowers and love from a bunch of people. Apparantly I've touched some lives. Right on. But the one thing I'll remember most was my conversation with Petar about "The Tipping Point" (just google it, I'm not a link-poster type). I thought about the concept all night and realized the reason I was so preoccupied was this:

The Tipping Point is a GREAT metaphor for my life. I am that little chic eclectic urban oasis that draws them in. Yet the same thing you are drawn to seems to scare you away. Take it or leave it SOB's I'm just Madonna, but I'm not the "complex". What's with the curiosity? Come hang with the differences instead of peeking and coveting. All the while packing your bags and running for the colorless hills of affluence. True wealth is more worthy than measure, your 'dollar & image' scales leave you with no cents (sense).

Do it all the way or don't do it at all. None of that half-assed shyte for me, ok?

Drafts, Edits, and Posts

Why do I have so many more drafts than actual posts?

Possibilities:
1. I hate being misunderstood more than anything (misunderstood would include loosely such things as prejudices, assumptions, and all around ego-centric states wherein others impose jugement on me/you/anyone else).
2. I suck at editing. My mind is a gift and a curse. Although it is very stimulating, it goes speed-racer like a mouse on cocaine and I can't always keep up. I seriously have to resort to music/tv/books/sex to shut it down in order to sleep.
3. I don't want to be vulnerable right now, (nearly everything I post is from my heart). As strong as I am, I also have a lot going on at the moment. Some tidbits: I have a close friend facing a vehicular homicide sentence (non-dui, just a freak accident). I found a couple of significant folks from my past. My grandma is dying. I can't fall in love for the life of me. It's very overwhelming.
4. I am on a creative cycle that is quite revolutionary. Renaissance~esque coupled with category 5 storm destructiveness. Very confusing to say the least.

"You made me acknowledge the devil in me
I hope to God I'm talking metaphorically,
Hope that I'm talking alegorically,
Know that I'm talking about the way I feel"

Some people...

FNA. So your friend meets this guy, likes him enough. Goes out a few times and he's all pushy pursuing her. Then nothin' for a couple weeks. She writes it off because she's got options and lo & behold an email arrives out of the blue:

"I'm sorry, I just got back w/my ex and we had changed our #'s..... Dunno
how you feel about being side fun if you know what I mean..."

Is this for real?

It's not that I want to be put into the position of analyzing this, but it makes me think....

My question:
1. (back with ex)+(gotta change numbers)x(side gig)=
a) recipe for crazy baby mama psycho to come key your car
b) your booty-knockin' was the bomb and he doesn't want to let you go
c) your booty-knockin' was the bomb, but you 'aint girlfriend material
d) game-tight
e) call all your friends and bore them with your whining about how men suck
f) all of the above

Here's what I would say, "no thanks, I'm good"

Outta Sight, Outta Mind. **women are not like men

I just had a conversation with someone the other day about MEN. I asked my friend the best way to get a guy off your back that you are not interested in. He suggested a couple of routes, one that made sense; "be honest", as well as one that particularly struck a cord. I'll tell you why:

Honesty was universal and kind, but his other suggestion was a bit gamey. Games aside, the worst part was that it went completely against every grain of my being. The suggestion to start contacting the guy a lot and be 'too' interested. That was a surefire turn-off for a guy. Apparantly men like him prefer women who are absent.

Well for me, and every woman I've encountered, when a woman gets distant like that: it's pretty much TOO LATE. We are attentive to the things we like. Guys say they love the chase so they figure we like the same. Not quite babe. If we stop putting energy into you, good luck buddy it means that attention is getting focused somewhere else.

On the flip side, female humans are not unlike those of other species where the one that gives us attention is the one who gets the prize. You ever see the peacock off around the corner chillin' get the peahen? Nooooo, she picks the one buying for her attention the most. Not to say we want a stalker or anything that extreme, we just want a guy who wants to be by our side, otherwise: Out of sight, Out of mind!

As for me, absence makes the heart grow fonder ONLY once the heart is involved. Otherwise, keep it pushin'

How do you feel about casual sex?

Here’s my take:
Sex is very important to me. It is an open and intense place for me. I bond with my lover even if all we have is that one night. The intensity is unclassifiable. For that reason, I reserve casual sex for few select people. It needs to be a friend. We need to be able to bond by sharing intimacy privately without expectations, explanation, or regret. With a lover, the world assumes intimacy. With friends, it’s a secret only the two of us share. It might be selfish, but the less the rest of the world is involved, the more for us.

Relationship sex:
Sometimes friendship sex turns into relationship sex. I understand I run the risk of this evolution, but if I am to fall in love... I must first have a friend. But this transition requires perfect synchronicity. It requires consent on both sides. It is perfectly acceptable to love your friend. But we fail in that we skip the step of friendship trying to own partnership. I won't let anyone shame me for valuing the bond of a friendship over coupling. I am complete without coupling, it is only an enhancement, not an ingredient in my self-worth. But I am not above admitting I have needs. My ingredients: family, self worth in harmony with humility, ethics, respect, idealistic faith, intimacy, trust, and true siterhood/brotherhood that I have found in my deepest friendships.

Men.... oh I looooove MEN!

Men
oooh, men. I love them so.
ladies... u can add 2 the list too loves...

1. one with a voice like Chamillionaire, soft, not too deep with that bass that comes thru every now & then. I like them articulate and even better, a man that pauses to make sure he says it right. A sure way to grab my attention
2. Hip and put-together... but not metro. He puts on lotion after he gets out of the shower so he's nice and smoothe for me later that night
3. a fiery sense of humor. keeps me laughing, entertain my friends, witty bantor back & forth on txt or after a session between the sheets
4. clean cut :: no shaggy / no scooby...
5. that natural smell of a man. the one that stays on his sheets. when i bury my face in them i have to hold my breath so I don't loose it
6. i love his thighs the way he loves the curve of my back.
7. uses terms of endearment like baby, honey, lover, kid, boo...
8. taller than me so i feel like i'm wrapped up in him, but not too tall cuz we have to be able to fit in a bubble bath together
9. confident stride but always soft when he's holding me
10. has a body he takes care of, sexy and athletic
11. compliments my hair or dress in public, but in my ear he whispers "i like the matching set baby, did u go to vicky's for me?"
12. does what he does best just for me, like musicians that play my favorite jazz cut for me over the phone... "baby could you hear that? did u like that?" or a fixit guy that shows me how to fix the surround sound that wasn't done right.
13. men that cook anything from top chef to mean greens . I don't mind if Ramen is his only dish, just as long as he pulled it off just for me
14. a man that dances. dances like he's got something he's gonna show me later
15. doesn't get jealous when i say i love manolo blahnik
16. men that can make out, eat out, and turn out
17. when i see him on the street, he comes up to me, says my name, touches the ends of my hair and kisses me in front of my friends...
18. passionate about politics, mentoring, and intelligence because men are strong when they are soft. But never without an open mind.
19. respects women because his momma raised him right.
20. hands that don't let me take control.
21. Knows that I'm a real woman with a little girl side from time to time
22. loves my body even though it's not just like Pamela's or Miss December's
23. starts the foreplay as soon as the appetizers come
24. men with nice breath even after drinking scotch
25. men that can kiss, suck and bite on my neck without leaving a trace
26. nice ass with jeans that sit just above the curve showing an inch or two of those boxers, always with a belt. pressed is even better...
27. One that can get by in any setting and never whines or sulks
28. He can talk dirty to me in all the right ways

Comments:

i love it... i'm adding two more...
29. can give me a look from across the room, a sexual look, letting me know it's going to be on when we get home... or even in the car...
30. men that make sure they walk on the curb side of the sidewalk; always a turn on for me to know that he's a gentleman
Posted by Love is not an Action...It's an Ability on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 6:55 PM

horny old women ;P
Posted by *JoE sez: stop savin my pics to your harddrive ;P on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 7:17 PM

OH, you love it and you know it!
Read it like a manual baby, and you'll make any woman....love you! ;)
Posted by Claire on July 3, 2007 - Tuesday at 12:27 PM

Trust me already one of my specialties ;P
Posted by *JoE sez: stop savin my pics to your harddrive ;P on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 2:40 PM

what? and horny ol me!! what are YOU talkin bout?>??????
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 10:19 PM

Ohhh don't get me started ...
30. Texts me so sensual all day long that I can't wait to be all over him when I get in.
31. Comes up behind me and whispers in my ear when I least expect it.
32. Cleans up soo well ...
33. Finishes off my lyrics ...
34. Knows how I like my coffee in the morning.
Posted by Cocoalove (Flexwriter) on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 11:42 PM

Nice.....
How about...men who makes you feel like you're Number 1, anticipate your needs, like you're the queen, so you make him your king....
Another great blog.
Posted by Bunny on July 3, 2007 - Tuesday at 12:27 AM

oh yes, that feeling...baby you know that should have been my #1 on the list!
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on July 3, 2007 - Tuesday at 3:24 AM

Haha! Here's one... A man thats misleading... In a GOOD way. You meet him and he comes off as a sweet heart, a saint, couldn't hurt a fly... And he is all of that.... Until he gets in you bed and gives it to you in a way that haunts you.
a way that when you are focused at work, at your desk; you get a flash back that sends shivers up and down and you can't help but go BRRRRR.. mmm hmm!
Intense an gentle at the same time.... Mentally, spiritually, oh and physically.
Posted by Tanyeezy on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 7:44 PM
Gotta be secure. Doesn't give afuck about what THEY think about him. THEY being those unfortunate to never understand a real understanding. Ladies, if and when you find a man that you can say what you feel to him whether alone or around his peoples, a man that you can stand in front of in any angle butt naked with all the lights on despite YOUR insecurities and know by the way he looks at you that he KNOWS not thinks you are beautiful, a man that fantazises about you after he's had you countless times..... I'm just sayin...
Posted by Tanyeezy on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 8:29 PM

OOOhhh, LADIES feel me on this...a man that's man enough to cry with ya and STILL be HOOD enough to step up to any man and say "SHE'S WIT ME PLAYA, SO STEP BACK HOMIE!"
A man that fit's the curve of your frame so well, it scares you, as if the two of you are Adam and Eve reincarnated!
A man that knows that if he touches you there that half his job is done and it's only matter of saying when..."WHEN BABY!!!"
Posted by MeAnge on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 7:57 PM

Here: Deep Poetic

Not a glutton so I know when I don't need anymore
None of that.
I'm good, I got it all inside.
Creativity is the fire
Dose on that all night
With a fever of ninety-nine degrees on my wall
And oiled brushes staining canvas like lovers' sheets
Method is my style
Control cock blocks my flow
And I'm intent on getting what's mine

Hanging on is a means to an end
Activates self-destruction
Go-on. Turn a blind eye
Only thing I'm gonna leave is:
'Wondering why'
I know it hurts them
To see me in this state
Where chaos and order make love day and night
In Exodus they all excuse themselves
Cutting losses
Taking comfort in hindsight

There's paradox in tragedy
They bathe in blood sweat and tears cuz I'm
Succeeding in pushing every last one outta my life.
Take the left AND the right just leave without a fight.
Some of em try and stay.
Weathering sub-tropic storms
That surround my life
Rewarded pain as a prize when they come along for the ride
I paint Gilligan's Island for 'em
Start dolling out refunds in no time

Hanging on is a means to an end
Activates self-destruction
Go-on. Turn a blind eye
Only thing I leave you is
Wondering why
I know it hurts
To see me in this state
Where chaos and order make love day and night
So follow as
They all excuse themselves
Cutting losses
Taking comfort in hindsight

But you.
You are still here.
Long after the linseed and oil have dried
And I used all the ashes to texturize
Beauty from the fury that destroyed
Without subsitance to keep itself alive.
Here. Reading braille when I'm blind.
You let me struggle, fail and compliment my life
Making love in copulas that bind
Got me wanting to stick around
Maybe, this time