Jeopardy

Jeopardy is a bitch. It seems like it sneaks up on you like that 5 pounds you slap on around the holidays. You knew the consequences of your actions, but you still ate your second helping and yet another piece of Christmas fudge. Suddenly you turn around and realize how easily your ass expanded into that size 8 you worked all summer to throw away.

It's like that at your job. You can be rolling along pleasing the man then one day, one report is late and BAM! -you're in jeopardy.

The worst one is in a relationship. You find someone who you adore, you want him to feel like a king because he makes you laugh, feel safe, and pleases you in every way. When you really love someone he takes you so high every moment you are with him and every second you're not. Then one day you just snap for no real reason and you feel like shit because you're just downright mean. Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's sabatauge. Or even possibly preemptive measures coming from intuition of the relationship's demise. Or something human like 'taking it out on the one you love the most'. Whatever it is, you're at your worst and that loving man has to see the ugly side of you. You feel like you've put yourself into jeopardy and there's nothing that can fix it but time. If you're lucky, you've got a good man who knows how to love you when you're right AND when you're wrong. But if you're like me you avoid this aweful thing that is jeopardy by avoiding love. Kinda dumb to cut off your nose to spite your face, but at least I admit I'm a chicken sh*t.

Posted by Cocoalove (Flexwriter) on December 31, 2006 - Sunday at 9:19 PM:
Ohhhh you hit on it big time! Yah, we all make mistakes here and there -- and then sometimes the meanie girl comes out with the one two punch. I feel ya. Just remember though, the best part of it is when y'all make up. So go make up and throw a little um um um into it, ya know? It'll be aiight.

Miss Eve:
When you're working hard only just to stay out of jeopardy, the human glitch snaps in... think it's called error. Lol. Here's to a new year with much much less of that!
Posted by Miss Eve on January 1, 2007 - Monday at 12:13 PM

my architect

my architect

perspective

it doesn't feel natural when you first learn how to draw in perspective.
a little mathmatic and a little artistic
makes those lines seem skewed
...until it's finished
how natural it feels now!
all you have to do is trust during the process
of building PERSPECTIVE
trust requires :: letting go

the past two weeks
I had to gain perspective
friends :: family :: love :: life
closed my eyes and drew the lines
that needed to be drawn.
didn't feel right for a second
but I didn't fight
and now it all makes sense
perfect marriage between peace + needs + drive
I let a lot go
and when it was all done,
what matters was still there
in beautiful perspective.

and now, I am
Frank Lloyd Wright

Fire & Honey Carnival Ride

Disinterest is dancing with desire
This little Sag likes walking on fire
Her feet are not quite as soft
But lover she's smoothe as silk
Better stay away if you aint ready to get caught
Gonna be your obsession forever
If she takes you in for just one night
Don't think you bought her
Just cuz you paid the price
You just got a ticket to ride

Keep a cool head
Build her a hearth
So she don't burn wild
Keep her at a smolder, steam, or flame
But don't play a game
Or stay away for too long
Heat like that needs to be fed to stay strong
And passion feeds her like oxygen
Try takin control, better think again
Give her what she needs
Let her fly high but keep her in sight
And she'll come back every time
Like that crazy carnival ride

She gets the honey outta the hive
Scent of cotton candy got you open wide
Sugar crystals burn on every sweet flame
You haven't ever been so high
Schoolboy dreams coming alive
Over on the other side
Of those rows of white picket lines
Just a little freak for your own private show
Volatile fire calls you across every time
And this one's a hell of a ride

Skinned My knee

My head was in those clouds again
I should have paid attention
cuz sometimes I slip and fall in love
Skin my knees and get myself a dizzy head
Hope only silence saw, brush off and keep moving straight ahead
I crossed that line in a lifetime's instant
Set a fury of passion free when I gave consent
And love's stains marked my heart
like initials carved in the skins of that proud tree
We'll make love beneath a lazy shade
And maybe this time we can set Eden free

Love happened to me again
I don't know how or when
No use in hiding this time
I'm gone and already on the ride

Betcha they won't notice cuz my love is not the usual brand
I take my time and stitch it by hand
And I can't seem to put a label on it.
I remember the day you crashed into my life
On the run from some old fight
We didn't care what was waiting at home that night
Intoxicating me with grace and freedom
Turns my blind eye to what you were running from,
You only knew my solace would be your bride
Love fog opaque hiding what's inside
This city takes it's breath from love's long sweet exhale
Bodies lost in pied piper song
But we both know we gotta move to keep this thing strong
So we'll run together like shots ahead of the chase
Today's high is so good, can't see withdrawl's pain
And morning's love hangover don't matter tonight
Can't remember how it took me almost all day to get right
Maybe next time but I can't leave you today
With only an agnostic prayer for the strength to turn away
I've already paid the price
In my heart I knew I was lost from the very first bite
And Eden will be our orchard every night

Quantum Love Girl 2

I love the fire you ignite inside my body and mind
Stealing free rides on passion's high
You are an addiction beyond white lines, green firewood, an' Skyy-Blu bottles
I've never been so alive
But baby, I know each night with you
Pushes me over the line
I can't leave but you dose me to the edge of life
I'm flying on faith
Cuz they always told me if it's too good, it can't be right.
If this is a path to destruction, heaven must be one hell of a ride

I've turned to quantum life, a shift of paradigm
Makes me feel so good to just be confused and ride the tide
Tired of forcing society's blueprint to overide the ocean in my mind
Confusion only comes from making right feel wrong
You've made this thing so damn simple
And their's is all contrived

If passion has to hide,
Words like "volatile" become my crime,
I'll be Schrödinger's cat that they'll never find
And our fire can feed even water's life

paint in chiaroscuro, showing visual emotion..... a series

I'm beginning to see continuity. I've been wanting to paint a series of works that represented emotion as it is in the inside, the feeling to the outside, the visual. I have been working and reworking for some time. I'm seeing a pattern of chiaroscuro (light on dark contrast) and it stirs an overwhelming response about emotion in my dearest companions. Up close, subtleties come to life. From afar, dark emerges

Duality and compliment
In dark and light
Whole, no saturation
Like apple before the juice

I'm flowing into a
simple state
the gallery's pride and joy
look at blood from the outside

Portraits like love and pain pulled so much
From inside to travel from mind to life
with strokes absent evaluation
and without consent

They're talking through constant traveled roads
That clear shiny black asphalt
fearlessly holding the hand of
grasses who still embrace the snow

The yin and yang
I work out on each canvas
will blend and divide like charges coming from the heart
in a dance of black & white

dark inside, outdside light
the product of soul's emote gently slips out of subltle confines
or sees the need to violently escape
If you look with soulful eyes, it's never less than beautiful

Dark flows into light
and back just the like, day into night
I painted life to free temperment
that tantrically embodies sweet placid reserve

Remembering you, Madame VanZanten. You touched my soul

For those of you who knew her, she was the most intriguing complexity and intrigue that ever blessed the sleepy hollow town that fed my formative years. She gave culture and discipline. Hated by the weak at mind, revered by the free.

Rest in peace.

Past coming into present, leaking into the future
Confusing the natural tendency to lean towards sense and order
How few acknowledge we are chasing the dragon
If logic rules and eradicates,
Why is the inductive the root of all haste?
Dreams, love, future, forgiveness, freedom...
All loose change of life that can never become that almighty dollar.
When will we see what we seek is organic
It has no rules, no regulation, no guarantees
The only thing consistent is birth life death
Yet it seems to be what feeds life into the umbilical cord called hope
Subsistance reciprocates dependance

I feel a tad out of place these days.
I'm staring at those I hold dear
Watching the struggle between the heart and the mind
I feel like I'm being guided by the soul of that blessed teacher.
Certainement madame, s'il vous plait. Je voudrais de l'embrace commes des vous
Freshman child looking into the intensity of her eyes
Some moments
Some souls
Penetrate and open your mind to truth
As never told but honered the path I would have to take
I learned the day I looked into her wise eyes intoxicating me with passion for elements outside that fed my passion within
That she told me something on a higher level
I had to let passion guide
Without, I'd be led astray
Find art, philosophy, and honest expression of the body and mind
Find life
That is love
Nothing more
Nothing less
Love

4 days... my drug

I've been painting for 4 days.
Up till four every night
Sorta feel like a snowstorm hit my body and I didn't have the sense to go inside.
Nowhere to go but the 2 foot door into someone's mind.

I'm that little red balloon
that the boy chases all over London
So precious
He just has to have it.
More because it's always out of reach

But all I'm doing is chasing the outer limits of the atmosphere
Don't know why
It's just a means to an end
So far into my own head

But art makes me so high
and noone can make me stop
except myself
and today I realized I'm outta control

I miss the snow (revised)

Remember last year, that night you drug me out in the snow?
I knew something was right when you told me it was gonna be fine, you just had to see me
And the plans were so divine
I felt the passion in those intoxicating eyes, pulling me inside while they entertained
I smiled as your face couldn't hide distaste at each Parisian dish you tried
But lover you only wanted me satisfied
Do you remember lover how you never gave up on pursuing me?
I couldn't hide from the pleasure stories your eyes told me you could provide

That one slushy day in November

I felt a dizzy warmth in the thought that you might just break through
Into the soul I tried to consign
And pulse back a beat
I drove away with sugar icicles warming my body
The scent of you in my hair
Longing coming alive
I drove back to him
When I hit the bridge to the West side
That still connected me to you
and the city you called our playground
But on the verge of him
and our paper doll life
I slammed on my brakes
My sensible cabin became a snow sled spinning 360
but I didn't care
I knew I was still in your arms
And someday I'd clear away the fog
I slid sideways for what seemed a lifetime
Calm as I neared the edge
towering over the Duwamish
my ride came to a euphoric end inches from the rail
Sitting alone and still on the bridge that carries droves
of ants into the city for the grind
The night stood still
and bright
No one came for what seemed a lifetime
I knew my life woud change

I drove over to him.
To tell him
Sublime
To let me go

He must have felt it from me somewhere deep inside
Just like a dog he swallowed down the scent of my fear
A weak and enticing potency tellig him we would eventually die
Igniting hostility strong enough to silently chew me up and throw me aside over paiinful time as I tried
He left me out to die, where you patiently stood waiting
to collect me and guide me back to my life
and gave yin for his yang
Only you coud replace assault with sanctity
Now, I can embrace the snow10/16
Convinced "it'll be all right"

Undergarments of my life

Undergarments of my life

Maintaining control

what an oxymoron.

How can any sensible person believe maintenance of a conceptual state that is purely ruled by interprestion be possible?


I'm an educated woman. I've seen a chunk of the world. I've had my share of experiences.

Yet I can't say I know very much. The more I learn, the more I realize I know very little.

Maybe this is in left field, but here goes:

Science::
The conscious mind shows what needs to be seen.
It's all a very slick user interface if you think about it
The subconscious stores away all the data of our experience.
We build our characters, motives, desires from the entirety
But we look back to give homage to experiences creating the end result
Or draw conclusions of how we got from A to B based on what's left in the memory banks.
Underneath... not-so-pretty files fold over and into one another

I think it's ok.
I am one of the fortunate ones that chooses to see beauty
I know all of that other stuff is there
I know it is equally integral in my totality
But I choose to pull from experience
Beauty
Love
Passion
Kindness

Art::
To look at as the portrait of my life
Everything else is there
Like the rabbit skin glue
Or the gesso
Or the foundational strokes
They give the texture, paint and linseed a strong home to rest
So that the beauty builds with every layer.
Every mix of pigment
Every cut with the palate knife.

What you see outside will be there for lifetimes to come in reverie
Underneath, the base lays strong and proud
Forgotten
Steady in it's love for the paint it preserves
That is beauty,
That is love.

I love all that has made me who I am

1:17 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

He's learning that not everything pleasurable and fulfilling is love

October 14, 2007 - Sunday
Learning that not everything pleasurable and fulfilling is love

I am not in love with you.
I am your fantasy
I take my cues from your desires
Don't fear my love,
I will never be more than you can handle.

I will fulfill your curiosities
Pure hedonism in its highest form.
But please don't run my love
You created me, you alone guide me
The mind
Controls me
Not the heart,
So you need not worry I will bring you pain or fear.

Like the novel that carried you to exotic lands
Or the film that drew you to weep tears of joy
I'm there for you
Until the lights come up and bindings close around the final page.

But I will linger in your soul
Until desire draws you to the sequel my love.
Created by the mind, but resting lovingly in the heart.
I will not bring discontent when our story ends

Pro-Hedonism

October 6, 2007 - Saturday



Current mood: Remebering feeling love stoned
Category: Love stoned Romance and Relationships

**Excuse any typos, I chose not to edit this for fear of editing content and taking the passion out of it

Do you ever wonder why we have certain standards? Specifically in matters of "love & sex"

I mean, I GET the whole "consistency" thing. It's very convenient and has oodles of merits.

But there are some of us (I assume it's just some cuz everyone seems to be buying into the norm) who don't want it like myself. I can't seem to live with it, and flat out reject it!!!

So it boils down to this: relationships. we are always in them, like it or not. All of our interactions are relationships even if for only one night. so why is it that people like to put a label, status, or contract to them? I'm not saying boundaries can;t be set and commmitments made if two mutually agree. Honestly, we are big blobs of thinking matter constantly seeking nourishment for growth. Sex and intimacy is no different. Just as one seeks and desires food, they also seek physical pleasures. These two elements feed the body and the heart. So why is it acceptable for folks to have diverse palates, different times of eating,varying amounts, and a wealth of preferences when we are told nourishment in the form of intimacy has to follow EVERYONE ELSE'S GUIDELINES. Why does our passion have to always be on a diet, or commanded by a nutritionist. Sure, some ways of eating can kill me just as some ways of making love can kill me. But most people know how to avoid severe demise in all of their consumption, so why not allow freedom in the consumption of passion.

Some of us have a lot more of it than others, just like muscle mass. We need to feed our passion more vigorously than those with less.

I don't want marriage. I don't want a man to live with me. Unless, that is, it feels right for the right reasons. For example (imagine, don't assume this is true) I told my last boyfriend that I never wanted these things and it seemed as though it became his crusade to convince me I had to have it. I almost fell for it, but I met my now love during our year and a half coexistence. But I started to fall for the dream the first one sold, even though neither of us wanted it, at least not with each other. I almost let the second one go. Story ends in utter tyranny as both of us snap to our senses. I felt inspiration in poetry, philosophy, passion, music, metaphors, desire, and oh so many "big things" while he found inspiration in stability, calm, and roots. I needed to fly and treated nostalgia as a beautiful means to self-discovery. He held strong to it, reliving it as best he could. Two people who bonded over nostalgia, yet completely different in the end with a complete different value placed on the nostalgia.

So, imagine he does his best to convince her to think the way he does but he falls in love instantly with a more qualified wife. She's set aback, mostly out of hurt ego and frustration at the stupidity of almost being sold the lake-front property in the desert. She (I) return to my other lover that blesses me every day with passion and inspiration. I start to believe in myself again. I start to love myself again. How is it that when I was in what society told me was the "right" situationlf according to standards, I was unhappy and lost myself? With my lover, we experience hedonism, mutual faith, pure honesty, and unconditional giving. Yet we will never marry and procreate. We wander from time to time and experience another, but we always return to one another. I know it isn't forever, but if we we ran into each other in old age and alone: I honestly could see us broken and rickety running off on fascinating adventures long beyond when Viagra works, or even wanted. Yet we will never give each other what you all think we "need" but we will always fulfill and satisfy each other beyond any expectation.

Why does the second relationship sound so much more appealing to me? Am I crazy, or am I the only one who places John Stuart Mill's Utilitarianism into play when it comes to matters of the heart. See, I seek pleasure. Not at the expense of others, but for general gain. If the two of us are happy, it doesn't hurt anyone, but it assures two less miserable people in this world.

I don't seek to fit my heart into a box confined by rules. I just want to let it give love and let another do the same. No rules.

Just something to think about.

Currently listening :
Justify My Love
By Madonna

1:16 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

This country is not for old people, Avril Lavigne told me so

September 15, 2007 - Saturday

That beezy Avril Lavigne
Damn her.
I woke up early for a Saturday morning and came downstairs to turn on the telly. I'm really DIGGing my new harman/kardon surround sound. Vh1 sounds like fun...
Then this damn child's video comes on and I :: CRY!
how on Earth is that possible? A little pop star made ME cry! I mean all she had to do was put grandpa in her video crying over the loss of grandma.

this country is not for old people

my dear Italian friend tells me all the time. He worries about growing old here. Noone cares for the elderly. Society is made for and only embraces youth. Alone. Unappreciated. Hurting. Body deteriorating and the respect of those you built a world for waning. Yelled at because your mind won't work quickly enough in the grocery line. Abused. Embarrassed at your conscious state being reduced to wearing diapers again. Boring the teens and twenties with your stories, yet you put yourself through it anyways because you need the human contact.

My biggest fear is being alone when I'm in that lonely world of old age.
All I can hope for is a partner by my side.
And Avril showed me today that even that can be taken away....

7:09 AM - 3 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Art :: Life

September 8, 2007 - Saturday
Art :: Life

I want so many things
I need so little
Like so many others
I need to pause
to evaluate and differentiate

All my needs
sustain me until my end
And in the end

All my wants
Pleasure and satisfy
Like a drug in the now

I'm told to take what I need
and strive for what I want
But somewhere along the way, my lines got crossed
I can't seem to figure out
How taking what I need
does not equal getting what I want

Maybe I'm just that simple.
Maybe all I want is all I need
Is there a difference?

Or possibly I'm just that selfish
I take what I want
paying no heed to the waste beyond my needs

I don't want anything in my life I have not earned
But I need it
Blood
Water
Air
Love
What have I earned of these, if anything?
How pretentious to assume I have
How sophomoric to believe I have not

It's tough being a philosopher
an artist
an accountant

I reconcile
yet I'm abstact

Logic rules
within my ambiguity

And all that's left is me

9:32 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Awareness of the confusion

Awareness

Somewhere along the way I've confused myself.

I know I've been away from reading my dear myspace bloggers and I've undoubtedly been away from writing. I'm sorry. I'm in a very interesting, exciting, and confusing state.

It seems that I am walking through the world in an odd state lately. I feel as though I'm passing through my life lately in a drug-induced numbness without the drugs. I have never felt more sure of who I was and what I wanted. I've never been more secure with myself. But being in this state is far from bliss. It is reality and self-love. It is not glamourous, and far from romantic. Don't get me wrong, this feeling I have is so amazing and powerful! But it is exclusive to myself at the time being. I still have issues with others. Just no longer ignoring issues within myself. I'm having a hard time figuring out how others can fit into my shcematic. Do I even want to fit them in? Like it or not, I know I do.

Can I have room to really love someone else when I have so recently discovered so much self love? Is this the highest form of consciousness? The part where we no longer need others? We no longer WANT others? Please someone tell me the answer.

My last relationship ended, thankly. It was so wrong and unchallenging. I could only bring life into it by partaking in the battles he put infront of me. I mistook the idea of love for being in love. It just didn't work. He told me over and over how aware he was that I was not in love with him. Why did it take so long for me to see?

Men.... oh I looooove MEN!

Men
oooh, men. I love them so.
ladies... u can add 2 the list too loves...

1. one with a voice like Chamillionaire, soft, not too deep with that bass that comes thru every now & then. I like them articulate and even better, a man that pauses to make sure he says it right. A sure way to grab my attention
2. Hip and put-together... but not metro. He puts on lotion after he gets out of the shower so he's nice and smoothe for me later that night
3. a fiery sense of humor. keeps me laughing, entertain my friends, witty bantor back & forth on txt or after a session between the sheets
4. clean cut :: no shaggy / no scooby...
5. that natural smell of a man. the one that stays on his sheets. when i bury my face in them i have to hold my breath so I don't loose it
6. i love his thighs the way he loves the curve of my back.
7. uses terms of endearment like baby, honey, lover, kid, boo...
8. taller than me so i feel like i'm wrapped up in him, but not too tall cuz we have to be able to fit in a bubble bath together
9. confident stride but always soft when he's holding me
10. has a body he takes care of, sexy and athletic
11. compliments my hair or dress in public, but in my ear he whispers "i like the matching set baby, did u go to vicky's for me?"
12. does what he does best just for me, like musicians that play my favorite jazz cut for me over the phone... "baby could you hear that? did u like that?" or a fixit guy that shows me how to fix the surround sound that wasn't done right.
13. men that cook anything from top chef to mean greens . I don't mind if Ramen is his only dish, just as long as he pulled it off just for me
14. a man that dances. dances like he's got something he's gonna show me later
15. doesn't get jealous when i say i love manolo blahnik
16. men that can make out, eat out, and turn out
17. when i see him on the street, he comes up to me, says my name, touches the ends of my hair and kisses me in front of my friends...
18. passionate about politics, mentoring, and intelligence because men are strong when they are soft. But never without an open mind.
19. respects women because his momma raised him right.
20. hands that don't let me take control.
21. Knows that I'm a real woman with a little girl side from time to time
22. loves my body even though it's not just like Pamela's or Miss December's
23. starts the foreplay as soon as the appetizers come
24. men with nice breath even after drinking scotch
25. men that can kiss, suck and bite on my neck without leaving a trace
26. nice ass with jeans that sit just above the curve showing an inch or two of those boxers, always with a belt. pressed is even better...
27. One that can get by in any setting and never whines or sulks
28. He can talk dirty to me in all the right ways

Comments:

i love it... i'm adding two more...
29. can give me a look from across the room, a sexual look, letting me know it's going to be on when we get home... or even in the car...
30. men that make sure they walk on the curb side of the sidewalk; always a turn on for me to know that he's a gentleman
Posted by Love is not an Action...It's an Ability on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 6:55 PM

horny old women ;P
Posted by *JoE sez: stop savin my pics to your harddrive ;P on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 7:17 PM

OH, you love it and you know it!
Read it like a manual baby, and you'll make any woman....love you! ;)
Posted by Claire on July 3, 2007 - Tuesday at 12:27 PM

Trust me already one of my specialties ;P
Posted by *JoE sez: stop savin my pics to your harddrive ;P on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 2:40 PM

what? and horny ol me!! what are YOU talkin bout?>??????
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 10:19 PM

Ohhh don't get me started ...
30. Texts me so sensual all day long that I can't wait to be all over him when I get in.
31. Comes up behind me and whispers in my ear when I least expect it.
32. Cleans up soo well ...
33. Finishes off my lyrics ...
34. Knows how I like my coffee in the morning.
Posted by Cocoalove (Flexwriter) on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 11:42 PM

Nice.....
How about...men who makes you feel like you're Number 1, anticipate your needs, like you're the queen, so you make him your king....
Another great blog.
Posted by Bunny on July 3, 2007 - Tuesday at 12:27 AM

oh yes, that feeling...baby you know that should have been my #1 on the list!
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on July 3, 2007 - Tuesday at 3:24 AM

Haha! Here's one... A man thats misleading... In a GOOD way. You meet him and he comes off as a sweet heart, a saint, couldn't hurt a fly... And he is all of that.... Until he gets in you bed and gives it to you in a way that haunts you.
a way that when you are focused at work, at your desk; you get a flash back that sends shivers up and down and you can't help but go BRRRRR.. mmm hmm!
Intense an gentle at the same time.... Mentally, spiritually, oh and physically.
Posted by Tanyeezy on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 7:44 PM
Gotta be secure. Doesn't give afuck about what THEY think about him. THEY being those unfortunate to never understand a real understanding. Ladies, if and when you find a man that you can say what you feel to him whether alone or around his peoples, a man that you can stand in front of in any angle butt naked with all the lights on despite YOUR insecurities and know by the way he looks at you that he KNOWS not thinks you are beautiful, a man that fantazises about you after he's had you countless times..... I'm just sayin...
Posted by Tanyeezy on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 8:29 PM

OOOhhh, LADIES feel me on this...a man that's man enough to cry with ya and STILL be HOOD enough to step up to any man and say "SHE'S WIT ME PLAYA, SO STEP BACK HOMIE!"
A man that fit's the curve of your frame so well, it scares you, as if the two of you are Adam and Eve reincarnated!
A man that knows that if he touches you there that half his job is done and it's only matter of saying when..."WHEN BABY!!!"
Posted by MeAnge on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 7:57 PM

Just because you are a "Samantha, doesn't mean you are a "pimp"

Yesterday, I was called a "pimp"
Not sure if that was meant as a good or bad thing. I'm enjoying being single right now. Don't get me wrong, I love being in love as much as the next gal. I just don't want to rush it. I really feel comfortable with myself and I don't LONG for it. Don't need it. Would want it someday again, but I want it to feel right this time so I'm going to take my sweet time.
"I'm known to walk alone...But I'm alone for a reason" Beyonce, Upgrade U
If he's out there, we'll find each other. But he's just going to have to build the friendship first. It's not that I'm difficult or high maintenance- I'm about as far from that as they come (so I've been told). It's just that I've fallen for men before just for the physical and I've learned it alone doesn't make things last. I've stayed out of that mess by my own choice long enough to see that the two are separate things, but one without the other is nothing.
"Cause um... the sex was good you had my mind and I, I let you come back every time" Mary J Blige Enough Cryin'
I realize it's an integral componant to *love* ... making love ... but sex and making love are two different things. I don't make love to just anybody. I have to be in love, or at least in something. I've mistaken sex for love so many times. I certainly was no Charlotte looking for a husband. But damn, just cuz I was raised a good little Catholic girl, I don't have to love every man I touch.
I'm going to be allright all by myself unless I find this:
"Girl it's only U..have it your way. And if U want U can decide, and if you'll have me. I can provide everything that U desire. Said if U get a feeling...Feeling that I am feeling. Won't U come closer 2 me baby, you've already got me right where U want me baby. I just wanna be your man"D'Angelo How Does It Feel
Sooooo... I really have only one thing to say to anyone who thinks that a woman dating casually and not jumping head first into a relationship with the first guy that comes along (if I'm a pimp and that's a bad thing...):
"Love me or hate me it's still an obsession. If you love me then, thank-you. If you hate me then...F**K YOU!" Lady Sovereign... Love Me Or Hate Me
So I'm single for a reason. I waited a minute before I started jumping into this game so I knew I was in the right place. Because I never wanted to be vacant. How can I love if there's nothing left to give?
"Now how can he have her heart when it got stole?" Amy Winehouse He Can Only Hold Her

What friends will tell you that family can't

like...WHOA!
An interesting convo with my best friend this evening....
Funny how friends can be the island we need to stand on from time to time when our arms are sore from the dog paddle keeing afloat. More than family at times. Only because family hurts for you too much and sometimes cannot get past the expectations...
I have decided not to apologize for my choices.
My best friend understands.
She tells me what I want when I'm too scared to admit it to myself. Why have I talked about you for months. I want but can't have. You have been on my mind for more than a year. He's always been there, my whole life...he's never the same person but it's always the same story, too young, too old, too far away, too taken. Why am I such a dreamer? Why not want what's right in front of me? "But baby, you do want him, he's here and you want him. You need to just stop being so cool with youself and try to be cool with another." But won't that be a disaster? I'm certain it couldn't be that simple.. Just learn to work as a team, you can't always be the professor.
But who the hell knows? Not me. I'm letting some of my protective force fields down little by little. At the moment, I'm not ready to bungee jump or swim in the dark water yet. I'm just riding the kiddie roller coaster and that's good enough for me, for now.

What a road trip will tell you

After driving 11 out of the last 24 hours, no phone, sometimes nothing on the radio, just me myself and I... I cleared a lot of what's been on my mind.
1. I don't have to assist someone in redeeming themself if I don't want to. Sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. I'm not Mother Theresa and call me cold, but when you make your choice~ life doesn't give you take backs.
2. I miss Barry White. I know, *what a chick thing to say... Proof in point that the Italians have it right when they say "Romance before victory"... if a man can look like Barry but if he knows romance, he'll still make every woman melt. He can even outshine that guy with everthing on the outside, but nothing he's willing to give. Thanks to Quincy Jones, putting together a ballad of sappy serenade: These sexy voiced men can tell me what real life men haven't said: I know a melody that we could sing together. I've got the secret key to you, baby. Let's make music. Harmonizin' ecstasy...Here in the garden. Where temptation feels so right...Your secret garden,
3. People can live without love, but not a lover. Or was it: Live without a lover but not love. No, I really think it's the first one. Actually, it's probably true that we need both.
4. Oooh, an even better Barry White paraphrase of my current thoughts: "it's just you and me, So many things I can do to you, And so many ways I can please, Hey, hey, hey, it's your move, Why don't you start turning down the lights, And show me what just you can do, hey, baby
'Cause you keep tellin' me this and tellin' me that, You say once I'm with you, I'll never go back, I know there's a lesson that you wanna teach, Here I am, baby, practice what you preach
5. Why does my head start to spin when I hear folks griping about little things in their relationships? I mean.. if you are so unhappy that the mere way he breathes bothers you, maybe you aren't in love! Love it or leave it baby. You only have one life to live. Don't let your fears of being alone or having to look for new love or any other fear hold you back from true happiness. Want it all and have it all.
6. I'll never go a week again without a manicure. It's not vanity at all. Really, it's just self care. It's no different than eating right and exercising. I show myself and the world I care about myself.

Ten truths about my week in LA

Ten truths this week...
1. Working out in hotel gyms is awkward. They always seem to put them right by the front desk so you're on display like a fish. But you gotta do what you gotta do.
2. I made a virtual friendship official yesterday (or I should say WE) made it official over coffee & pomegranite juice.
3. I've found my loft and I love it, but I'm having second thoughts about moving here
4. I've had a surprising amount of sexual dreams and thoughts lately. Probably because I'm not getting it on lately :(
5. I can't seem to watch CNN without crying these days.
6. I've always known I'm pretty much fearless, but the past few months were ridden with fearsI was forced to face and I think I needed that. It has catapulted me out of stagnition into new heights of positive risk taking.
7. I love it when I see a man at the grocery store buying his lady flowers. Have men forgotten how important that little gesture is -even when you don't screw up, even when she didn't rock your world the night before... just "because"
8. It's amazing how a conversation is so energetic and exhilerating when the astrology is matched up well (yes, I'm starting to really buy into that!)
9. Although Washington is very progressive, it still pisses me off sometimes. I bought a gallon of Stoli at the grocery store that was on sale for $24 (for those who don't know, WA state has tight liquor regs and taxes so you can't get it for under $40)
10. I think leaving Seattle right now would be a mistake. But it took coming here to get the move logistics in place to figure that out. I'm not too proud to admit I was wrong.

Moving On...(Part I)

I've been going through some old journals and I found this unfinished piece I wrote back in 2000. It seemed quite appropriate at the moment. Let me know whatcha think.....

They said it would be stormy today so I suppose that explains my mood. It's almost as though my body is muggy on the inside. It's the kind of day that had me wanting to stand out in the middle of the street with the rain pouring down all around me. As if I needed to be cleansed or something. I'm not sure why this happens, but typically when I have an epiphany I feel dirty. I guess it's not a bad thing. Probably just like the sweat you get from a good workout. My dumb luck, it didn't rain. It was just plain hot. Balmy and hot. Any other day, I'd curse the rain. But it's just another damn Indian summer day. Likely it'll be another week of this. I took a shower instead but I just couldn't seem to feel clean.

Slipped into bed with freshly laundered sheets. Everything seems to be unsullied, but my mind was not pure. As long as he lives there in my thoughts there is a certain stain that remains adulterated. How can it be that intimate moments right here in this bed I relished like grandma's sweet rhubarb pie now felt like errors in the recipe? Is it forever my style to fall so brutally out of love the same way I fell so soflty into it? My passion that pulls us together now deflects access to my heart.

Ah, love is simply blind. At some point I suppose I'll regain my focus and realize I just needed a new prescription for those trusty rose colored spectacles.

This week's top ten facts

1. Some things are better left unsaid
2. Lyrics speak volumes for me when I don't know how to make it concise
3. I love my friends enough to know that they'll stick around when I'm gone
4. My choices the last few weeks have been the hardest, but I'm on the fence about whether they are the smartest
5. I hate my painting I did a few weeks ago but everyone else loves it (lots of anger and work with a palate knife)
6. I can't always see it, a lot of doors close and stubborn people like me sit outside and freeze rather than admit they picked the wrong one and try again.
7. California Love is the song of the month. It was released the last time I moved to LA.
8. Can't stop a rollin' stone
9. I am not applying myself the way I used to
10. I'm undecided, blonde or brunette? Give me your vote...

I would have made a good Greek

The Greeks felt living with random, changing, seemingly inconsistent, undefined and unmeasured aspects of human life and the world, essentially the Greek word chaos, was equivalent to living in a state of constant anxiety.

Last night, I was telling someone I was very worried. I was describing that there was no rational reason for it, but there was this feeling in my gut of impending doom. A lot of negative things have happened around me the last 4 days, particularly the past 24 hours. Things not necessarily related to me, but things that I am aware of or nearby. Pan out to the past month and the horrific things happening with racism, sexism, and violence, I question the reasons why. In my own need to feel order, purpose and measure I search deep inside to answer that question "why". I was contemplating there was something very negative going on in the world that all of this is building up to. My own way in placing order to it all by replacing chaos with a pattern. I have this need to search for a "kosmos" in the way the Greeks had.

In relation to my own piece of this world, my gut is telling me something is problematic. I cannot get past this nagging feeling that there is something terribly wrong. Of course it's pretty egocentric to think that this chaos would zoom in and focus somehow on me, but for some reason, I can't shake the feeling.

My current, but soon to be past bf told me last night to avoid my "gut" feeling because the mind has the ability and power to turn those feelings into a self fulfilled prophecy.

I still feel the need for further analysis to make sense, good or bad of the world around me and my own human life. Even if I am able to grasp at a pattern of measure for the chaos, at the least, I will have made sense of it all.

In light of recent goings on in the media

I really respect Tupac Shakur aka 2Pac if you didn't know.:: gone for over a decade and the man's words still apply to things going on today.
a man in the midst of the gangsta and ghetto mentality, trying to make a change for not just his own people, but all of us.

I'm offended. I'm a woman for one. Secondly, I've struggled and overcome poverty and hardship to put myself through college. I can't see the reason to judge someone for the color of their skin, nap of their hair, or whatever genetilia the fathering sperm of a child decided for him/her to develop into.

I also understand that as long as people are contributing to the image; ex: rappers degrading their own people, and worse, their sisters, mothers and daughters, we will never be free from bigotry. People that are bigots think they can say anything racist or sexist they like and use the excuse "but their own people did it first in rap music" to hide behind others so noone will see the shame of their actions.

As Tupac cites, we have to ask a people, not as minorities, women, or otherwise non-alpha folks build strength within ourselves by saying enough is enough. I won't participate. I won't accept.

Read these lyrics and think about the message. Apply it to yourself in your daily interactions. Nothing changes if we all stay the same, so I urge each one of us to put forth the effort. And if some of you still think rap is degrading or meaningless, you're hopelessly lost in the world of generalizing.

Pollyanna isn't so bad

Today is a very happy day for me. Yesterday was a bit overwhelming, but through the course of it I was able to see something about myself I was completely unaware of and set some goals for myself:
~My feelings are always valid, but the way I treat others as a result of those feelings isn't always valid.
~Seeking the positive in every situation no matter how grave it appears is my new goal for the way I walk through this life.
~Fear is like a parasite, if it gets in, it can take over a healthy being and turn it into a mess. I don't want to let my fears control me and turn me into a negative person.
I still love the people I love. I hope you all are interested in walking beside me in my path to become a better person. It may not always be a smoothe one, but I'm on my way nonetheless.
UPDATE********Holy cow! I went out to lunch today with a friend after posting this blog and here's what my fortune says:
"You will be transforming a situation in your life now with a positive attitude"
Wow, I'm speechless.

My five year plan

I've often wondered what the point of making a five year plan is? Really, there are so many variables that one can never account for. So many people that we need to factor in or out of our plan that refuse to give any indiaction of whether you fit into THEIR five year plan. So many opinionated bosses and co-workers that "are never going to change" or obnoxious neighbors, etc. So how can we bank on anything outside of ourselves.

I was asked today where I want to be in five years. I know exactly where I want to be, with whom and doing what. The problem is, I can't divulge that information because I have no idea if it will pan out or not so I have tho keep it all hypotheical and proverbial. I end up perpetuating the pattern that blocks the ironing out of my plan. I'll admit, I'm affraid to be the first to publish my plan. I wish I had the cahones of Rosa Parks and MLK, but I'm just another chicken-sh*t afraid to make the first move in the name of change. Although you all think I'm an open book, the river that is Nichole runs deep and even those closest to me don't really know what I want. I like it better that way, because what I want and what I'll get may be two different things and I'd rather not have egg on my face.

What is this thing "LOVE" that you speak of?

How do you define love? (Romantic love, I mean)
My current, but always ever-changing definition is this:
Love to me is caring deeply, intimacy/attraction, friendship, comfort with the person, trust, and bonding through common interests. The willingness to weather the storm, and pick up the pieces and rebuild when it subsides
Let me know your 2 cents!

Comments:

I agree with your list, but add respect!
Posted by Ms. Karen on January 20, 2007 - Saturday at 9:58 AM

yea i think its some stuff missing just that stuff alone doesnt seem to keep a lot of people around lol
Posted by *JoE sez: stop savin my pics to your harddrive ;P on January 20, 2007 - Saturday at 9:30 PM

so where's your addition?
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on January 20, 2007 - Saturday at 10:13 PM

my 2 cents to add would be you can't explain it fully EVER or you've never experienced it fully.
Posted by kiraannbaby© [janee] on January 20, 2007 - Saturday at 10:16 AM

Romantic love is fleeting ... I give up. Sorry hun.
Posted by Cocoalove (Flexwriter) on January 20, 2007 - Saturday at 11:02 PM

Quoting billy corgan I think it was who sang it.. "love..it's who you know"; of course lots of people probably have said it.. than there's also strapping young lads thought: Loooove....is the way I feel. that's kind of other peoples 2 cents that I agree with.. so to make it my 3 cents (cuz 3 is better than two) love is something that is most noteably recognized by putting each other through hell and than coming though that hell and having a stronger realtionship because of it...yep.
Posted by jAh~"who";;3k (Df)(Docd) on January 22, 2007 - Monday at 10:55 PM

Love (to me) has no description. There's no need to try to describe it, because it's a feeling. Feelings come in varying degrees. You can love something, but find disgust in it later, then find love with something else that is SO much stronger than your love for that first person. It's indescribable. However, I do have a very good description for true love. I heard it in either a movie or some television show, but still find it to be a very good description of 'true love', but not just 'love'. True Love: finding the counterpart of your soul in another person. 'Love' is used to describe your feelings on many things, not just people. 'True Love' is something completely different, as it is only used to describe your feelings for another person. Hope that helps a little....probably not, but that's just my take on this subject
Posted by Zack P. on January 24, 2007 - Wednesday at 4:14 PM

Here: Deep Poetic

Not a glutton so I know when I don't need anymore
None of that.
I'm good, I got it all inside.
Creativity is the fire
Dose on that all night
With a fever of ninety-nine degrees on my wall
And oiled brushes staining canvas like lovers' sheets
Method is my style
Control cock blocks my flow
And I'm intent on getting what's mine

Hanging on is a means to an end
Activates self-destruction
Go-on. Turn a blind eye
Only thing I'm gonna leave is:
'Wondering why'
I know it hurts them
To see me in this state
Where chaos and order make love day and night
In Exodus they all excuse themselves
Cutting losses
Taking comfort in hindsight

There's paradox in tragedy
They bathe in blood sweat and tears cuz I'm
Succeeding in pushing every last one outta my life.
Take the left AND the right just leave without a fight.
Some of em try and stay.
Weathering sub-tropic storms
That surround my life
Rewarded pain as a prize when they come along for the ride
I paint Gilligan's Island for 'em
Start dolling out refunds in no time

Hanging on is a means to an end
Activates self-destruction
Go-on. Turn a blind eye
Only thing I leave you is
Wondering why
I know it hurts
To see me in this state
Where chaos and order make love day and night
So follow as
They all excuse themselves
Cutting losses
Taking comfort in hindsight

But you.
You are still here.
Long after the linseed and oil have dried
And I used all the ashes to texturize
Beauty from the fury that destroyed
Without subsitance to keep itself alive.
Here. Reading braille when I'm blind.
You let me struggle, fail and compliment my life
Making love in copulas that bind
Got me wanting to stick around
Maybe, this time