I heard this today

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why
Why, why can't it be, can't it be mine?

Finalé... Pearl Jam "Black"

Uninvited and you oughtta know

Geez like a zillion years ago when I was young, I dated a man 9 years my senior. We went round and round for almost as long until the dance was just tired and blistered from repeated steps. We sat one sunny La Cieniga evening on the steps of his ultra white sofa flanked home where mail came FedEx and I had to be svelt and never sit on the sofa.

I was so in love with him
And he wanted so desperately to be in love with me.
but we weren't
at least not then
I could tell so many stories of passion....
desire....
intensity....

But one moment in the car
the radio played her.
Her angst tore us apart.
I was wise enough to know and he was young enough to feel that she was right.

Tick tock it was a matter of time.


He killed that girl. JDR made me. Made me then broke me.

 NPL.

Alanis the bitch followed it up. She just couldn't leave me alone... She screwewd me once and decided she'd write my fate again: over and over and over again....



Jaded bitch that I am... You.... I crave

Stop fucking with me please.

I am older than you but he broke me when I was a babe... just let me have this moment...

Vision Quest #12: White Flags

learning how to function while you are weak teaches you a couple of things.

1. It's a waste of time to chase after cars that will never stop
2. Settling is never a good idea, but accepting reality can be
3. Ever the determinist, I believe there is no true free will, so believe every moment has a purpose

bad news 4/29/07

didn't you know I was waitin on you?
waitin on a dream that would never come true
didn't you know I was waitin on you?
my face turned to stone when I heard the news
when you decide to break the rules?
cuz I just heard some real bad news
people are talkn like it's old news
I played it off and acted like I already knew
let me ask you how long have you known dude?
you played it off and act like he's brand new
when you decide to break the rules?
cuz I just heard some real bad news
real bad news...real bad news, real bad news
oh you jus gon keep another no you won't
oh you just gon keep it like you never knew
while I'm waitin on a dream that'll never come true
oh you just gon keep another love for you
my face turned to stone when I heard the news

I just heard some real bad news
-Kanye West

Art for the sake of art

Ira's show is amazing. I'm so proud of her. Really, how often do you think video installations bring top dollar from collecters? I can pretty much bet the house not so much. I know she's amazing and I know she creates solely for the love of her work.

http://punchgallery.org/exhibitions/2008-12.html

The Jerk

I always liked Steve Martin.

But I think I take the cake.

Today:
1. I referred to someone I care about as "stock".... Buy low sell high, get out while you can.
2. Missed drinks with my friend from NYC to argue the deficeincies in scientific reasoning with my brother (we do this all the freakin' time, love him.. but we can do that any day)
3. Let little crap this evening ruin an absolutely stellar day
4. Missed my other brother's birthday party
5. Complained

I want to be a nicer person.

I really don't care...

what ice cream Oprah prefers.

to hear of the decor or dog choices of the Obama family. I will still eat up the politics, not the paparazzi.

who dates Real or Chance

about BritNEY's exposé

I will however stay loyal to ESPN and read Richard Belzer's (fiction) "I Am Not a Cop" *thank you Jon Stewart

Lust

Seems like it's nuthin' but trouble.
Euphoria gets ya singing "Should I Stay Or Should I Go"
In the moment, feels right like the other team's fumble
You just watch them cheer and take it like a pro.

•Got me feeling out of control
But i like it all the same

•I find it so tempting, my senses,
Independently i'm in control
Cuz you've got me so naked, I'm achin'
And i'm feeling something sensual

Phonejaxx ft Cosi Costi

•You know you got me burning up, baby

•You're always closing your door
Well that only makes me want you more
And day and night I cry for your love
But you're still not convinced that that is enough
To justify my wanting you
Now tell me what you want me to do
I'm not blind and I know
That you want to want me but you can't let go
Come on, let go, oh

Madonna

•Baby I've got the shovel, and I know that you've got the dirt, so c'mon, honey, let's get together and let's get down to work.

John Spencer Blues Explosion

•You make sick
I want you and I'm hatin' it
Got me lit like a candlestick
Get too hot when you touch the tip
I'm feeling it I gotta get a grip on this
Driving me crazy baby don't you quit
Can't get enought of it

Pink

Cool if your offense is game-tight. Trouble...unless you wanna pay double....

17 days

17 days is all I have left and I'm suddenly all too aware as to how sad I am. I'm pretty sure I'm about to cry and I don't like it one bit. It's been so long since I have, I'd think I forgot how...no such luck, I can feel the welling in my left eye as I type.

My emotions are all over the place lately. This would be a good time to have that best friend.

Vision Quest #12 :: For the love of god!

stop going to interviews if you don't want the job!

Vision Quest #11 :: Fill-er-up!

Loving people is draining. Yes, this is true. But so is an oil change. I look forward to getting filled back up.

So one of my favorite blogs is gone. GONE! Disappeared into the abyss of 404 notifications. "Where Bourgeois Meets Ghetto" is no more.

I let go of my best (and oh so reminiscent of Nicole Ritchie) bff. *all in jest peeps, I'd never REALLY use kiddie text lingo. But in all seriousness, alcoholism is a demon that will eat the best of friendships alive. I'm happy, yet sad. I still have to hear about her escapades of 5-0 chasing her five deep for eluding and drunken idiocracy and hauling off her new man 10+ years her junior in her place to the klink. Somehow this made him her hero, go figure. I worry about the kids.

I came to terms with a friend I care for leaving our country to go back home *to the good life....
all the while cursing America for forgetting this past decade we WERE the promised land. I wonder what my ancestors would think, both native and immigrant.

Here I am now. Partly sad, partly relieved, 100% lonely.

Kinda scary thinking of not having that true friend, companion, partner by my side. You all call it a best friend. But I call it a true gift. I'm officially on the market for a best girlfriend and a boyfriend.

Girls: please no drama queens, have your own life, educated a plus, savvy and hip a must! Are there any of you left out there?

Guys: I don't want contracts and invasions of space. I don't want something that can be argued in a
propsition called #8. I just want someone who likes having me around from time to time and takes
me for what I'm worth. But gaaaawd! All the good ones are taken (at least I mean the ones that want to be involved). You guys know who you are, your either gay or content in your bachelor-ness. It's cool, I'm not hatin'. I never thought I'd actually settle down myself!

That was my mistake. He has already passed me by. She's already got her circle of friends and jumping in now is like infiltrating a high school clique. Doors closed, gone, 404'd or taken.

So I guess today I give my concession speech. But hey, I've saved my resume if any of you guys have a referral.

stars

That pesky horoscope: Thursday, November 6
If someone you are pursuing gives you an uncomfortable feeling, then pull out now. Trust your instincts when building new relationships. You don't want to have any regrets down the road.


Ok, I get it, I'll retreat.

Vision Quest #10 :: Topsy Turvy

Topsy Turvy

I want someone to tell me why I don't just go out and get what I want already.  I mean, I know what it is.  I'm totally prepared for life with it or without it.  I like things the way they are, but simple content is not nearly as sweet as the bliss of goals attained.  I gotta admit my "retirement fund" is looking slim.  I'm not afraid of the challenge... win or lose.  I'm basically ripe for the picking.  

Guess I need someone to come along and pull me off this damn tree because I can't seem to pick myself and fall into the perfect basket.  Hope it happens soon.  Looks like my only other option besides these birds pecking is to spoil and fall flat on my face.  Don't think that exactly counts as being a go-getter.

weird

Sometimes I wish I was not as smart as I am.  Basically, you can't keep a secret from me.  One of my undeniably (almost freakishly) accurate skills is logic.  Couple that with a helluva good intuition, I got almost anyone near me numbered.  It's quite useful and has saved many a hyde in its time.  Yet the drawbacks are pretty sickening:

a.  With knowledge comes power, as does reality.  Sometimes this reality is something I wish I never had to witness.  Example: obsession, perversion, deceit, etc.

b.  People don't like getting caught or figured out.  This makes relating often difficult.  Over the years I've found that pretending ignorance is best in most cases.  But that in and of itself takes its own toll on myself and those around me.

c.   I missed my calling, I should have been in a job that utilized these skills for a positive outcome.  I should have worked homicide or intelligence.  But with everything else, I really didn't want to jump through the years of hoops needed for adequate promotions in such vocations.  I have always found it hard to pretend under-skilled.  Impatient?  yep... to a fault.

What is all this for?

well in my current real world... I hate stalkers.  I hate pervs.  I hate ulterior motives.  I hate liars.  I cherish mistakes, they help us learn.  Sneakiness and chicken-sh*t hiders... I hate.

I know. I see. It gets you nowhere but further away.

sex cures bitchiness

Yes it's true!

Sex knocks-out PMS & Smart Girls are better in bed!

Guys, if your girlfriend is bitchy, give her some of your luv-juice!  Turns out semen (yep, no condoms) absorbed into the vagina chemically and the result is a calming, pleasure inducing, hormone balancing antidote to female bitchiness.  

Studies also show that sex with an intellectual woman is superior to that of party girls and athletic gals.

click for source

Lolita

Lolita

I tango~d tonight with you cheek 2 cheek
Steppin in time 2 the south american beat.

you asked me to step outside; lover, come please

What was I 2 say? I told u I was not 4 u.....

"Eye know U're fine from head 2 pumps
If U were mine we'd bump bump bump
U're much 2 young 2 peep my stash
U're tryin' 2 write checks Ur body can't cash
U can't hang with this, girl

Lolita
U're sweeter
But U'll never make a cheater out of me

Cool 2gether, yes, eye must admit
Long time ago, we'd be the shh... uh oh
Like Frank and Ava, we'd paint the town
Just on the floor, gettin' way down"

Lolita
U're sweeter
But eye won't mislead ya
Eye'll feed ya, if it'll please ya
But then eye'll say c ya
U're a fine, mama mia
But U'll never ever ever..
make a cheater out of me

Imagine me on the tip of Ur tongue
If eye took a sip then eye would be on the run
Hellhounds barkin' 'round my door
Eye can't sip U once 'less eye sip U some more

Lolita
Better get out of here
'Less U wanna dance"
said Prince

I heard it in my heart, he's o so right.

Kept it so-oh tight.

So why is it so hard 2 leave u 2night?

Dance with me lover.
Take me Lolita.

i'm on my way down.
You are my chance.
But it really is never
Unless u know forever,
b/c that's the only thing without guarantee...
so say goodbye 2 me

© June 2006 N. Leigh

3:09 AM - 6 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Goldilocks and The 3 Bears

June 3, 2006 - Saturday
Goldilocks and The 3 Bears

I'm just a girl
Living in a Goldilocks world
One's just too hot, the other too cold
The perfect one's soul is sold

I wanna heat it up
To fill my cup
But I'm not allowed
So I leave into the crowd
Step up and claim what is yours
Before I close the doors

You could be so right
If you'd only fight

But he's over here running hot
So much that it's gonna rot
Too much baby, it's gonna waste
Cool it down so I can have a taste
Step back, don't ask for more
So I can walk through the door

You could be so tasty
If you wouldn't be so hasty

Then there's you
I'm so confused, I have no clue
The perfect temperature
My longing for you has no cure
To resurrect the past
How long can I remain last?

You are so fine
If only you were mine

1:41 PM - 14 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

She's a SUPER-STAR!

That's my girl! Woot Woot!
BET Awards 2008!

Vision Quest Lesson #9 :: Structuralism

Structuralism:     Everything is a system.... can be mapped or charted out.

strophe: puts out a certain conclusion

antistrophe: modifies

The semiotician looks at individual instances.

The structuralist looks at all instances & comes to a universal conclusion.

I really love structure... in theory.  But not being able to separate one from all when 'concluding' annoys the snot outta me.

Suppose I'm going to have to admit structuralism is not at the top of my list of beloved philosophical doctrines

 

Vision Quest Lesson #8 :: Deconstruction of coco

Marxism: distinction between theory & practice

• goal of a socialist is to poke holes in the superstructure (=>inevitable collapse) via revolution.
• necessity: must convice people 

Deconstrucion: theory IS practice. practice IS theory

• goal of the intellectual is to not become the mouthpiece for power.  
• fight power by damaging using it's own tools against itself.
• result: validity is lost.

Deconstruction removes belief system (as to the way things are).
............................I am painfully aware of my preference.  Crooked or broken, still the same essence regardless of original 'form' ~ 

• 

Movin'

Audi getting fixed. finally. but I swear I'll still take the bus, I promise.

Pleasure in words

February 5, 2006 - Sunday


Poetic masturbation
Current mood: aroused

My poet teases my passions with erotic lips,
And the esquire pleads my worth to jurored courts.
Consultants map my desires into neatly bound portfolios,
As my nurse tends to the missing caresses.
The musician strokes me with fine tuned fingers,
While my savant essays my sensations.

But my artist ignites my sensuality with his penetration
I offer my sweet elixir for your consumption
A pleasure transmutative, your body and mine.
You recreate and relegate my virginity
In your pigments you find my arousals and paint my passions
You eliminate my imperfections and draw out my desires

My readers may explicate this written masturbation
Absorbing my sexual fantasy in imagination
And fly over my body with carnal wings
To gnaw on my soft aroused skin.
Develop your urge with a well-versed tongue
And lick up the drippings of my coveting desire.

Nichole Portia Leigh

4/25/07

April 25, 2007 - Wednesday
The piece that doesn't match my collection

I looked in your eyes last night
My heart busted wide open
contents spilled on the floor
asking you to forgive my faults, my mistakes

You stared through me, beyond me
with icicles in your eyes
and said you could not forgive
It is not in your nature

At that moment I realized
that you were right
We just don't see eye to eye
I've been looking at a painting
Seeing what I wanted to see
Forgetting that the artist
made his own vision
No matter how hard I impressed
my own collective experience
on the visual in front of me
My interpretation would never be more
than just merely mine

I can no longer cling
to to broken pieces
that continue to cut
me deep inside


11:45 AM - 8 Comments - 9 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

'Road to Rome' trailer

'Road to Rome' trailer

Some of my photography in this project

odd and random info (I was tagged)

Sean tagged me. Right on! For those that don't know, it means I have to answer all the following questions...

It always fun, even though I realize every time after I'm done that I'm likely a complete loon!

Ahh what he heck, here goes:


What were you doing five years ago?
I was creating a non-profit and living in the heart of the CD

What are five things on your to-do list for today (in no particular order)?
1. Overnight the discs
2. Find out what's going on with Tonja
3. Listen to some of the 33 voice mails I have in my inbox
4. Run
5. Laundry


What are five snacks you enjoy?
1. Watermelon
2. Salad with bleu cheese crumbles
3. Leftovers
4. Strawberry Mini Wheats
5. Coffee


What five things would you do if you were a billionaire?
1. Philanthropy
2. Get that kick a** artist's loft (here, Manhattan, LA (downtown), The Big Easy, and somewhere overseas
3. Create a marathon
4. Buy primo land and donate it to Habitat for Humanity
5. Try my best to stay 'humble' and 'real'


What are five of your bad habits?
1. Starting things I'm not willing to finish
2. Saying th "f" word
3. Over analyzing
4. Waiting till the deadline to start, cram, etc.
5. Watching too many CSI~ish shows


What are five places where you have lived?
1. Seattle, WA
2. Los Angeles, CA
3. Bellingham, WA
4. Morelia, Michocan (Mexico)
5. Jasper, Alberta (Canada)


What are five jobs you've had?
1. Manager
2. Bartender
3. Accountant
4. Photographer
5. Burger-flipper


I tag these peeps:

Cloda

Julie

Tonja

DRAT plans foiled :(

Well, I didn't make the lottery for the NYC Marathon this year. But I can still secure a spot to run if I commit to a fundraiser

I don't know if I can raise $3000, but if any of you all think you would want to donate to one of the charities on this page, let me know and I'll sign up to raise the dough!

RRRRRAAAAAAALLLLLLYYYYY-in the support y'all. Think we can do it? *I'm leaning towards Amercan Heart Association because of my mom and grampa.

For you

You are perfect. You feel so right in conversaion and in touch. Intelligent, creative, never a bore. You and I can see the clouds animate themselves, take a moment for a kiss, then delight in the new surprise in the sky.

We'll envy the lucky ones across the lake. The ones with the patch of sun peeking through the clouds to brighten their spot on the hillside. Our turn in the spotlight will come if we lay tangled perfectly together.

I opened to you, closed and alone for far too much time... welcomed you inside and in return you taught me how to feel again. This revival made me feel alive. Just when I was certain everything had died.

You are perfect. I'm afraid to talk to you now that circumstances keep us apart. I can't call. I can't write. Just thinking about how perfect you are. Little dreams at night give glimpses of you by my side. If I could talk to you, I'd tell you the things we do. But you are perfect. And I can't talk to you. I like dreaming better... because in dreams, you are mine.

10/12/07

The conscious mind shows what needs to be seen.
It's all a very slick user interface if you think about it
The subconscious stores away all the data of our experience
We build our characters, motives, desires from the entirety
But we look back to give homage to experiences creating the end result
Or draw conclusions of how we got from A to B based on what's left in the memory banks.
Underneath not-so-pretty files that quietly fold over and into one another

I think it's ok.
I am one of the fortunate ones that chooses to see beauty
I know all of that other stuff is there
I know it is equally integral a part of my totality
But I choose to pull from experience
Beauty
Love
Passion
Kindness
To look at as the portrait of my life
Everything else is there
Like the rabbit skin glue
Or the gesso
Or the foundational strokes
They give the texture, paint and linseed a strong home to rest
So that I’ll sleep with ease

I really want this

Coco's off and running

It's been a year and a half since I ran my last marathon. I need to start training again as I've decided to run the NYC Marathon for the second time. It is something I just need to do. I am a better person when I have the bar set very high. I pretty much need it set at the highest notch available. 26.2 miles for the 3rd time (2nd time in the world's largest marathon) is a sufficiently high goal, dontcha think?

This means nothing to those that don't know me. But to those who do, I'm going to need some encouragement. I'm going to need to gain weight and get back into training mode. Not to mention you all might have to put up with my post-6 mile sweattiness from time to time if you want me to hang out for Happy Hour -- that's really the only way I can justify Guinness until November.

Vision Quest #7: You never know.... It can always be worse.

u never know what can happen.

I met this lady a few years ago and I immediately adored her. She was charismatic, educated, savvy and possesed multitudes of qualities I rate highly in others. I was drawn to her by both admiration and intrigue. She was financially smart, supported worthy causes, and freakin' hilarious fun to be with.

The purpose of the verbose intro was let you know that crap can land in just about anybody's lap. This awesome lady was involved in an auto accident that resulted in serious injuries and a fatality. Her life is forever changed. She's still the same person, but she will never be the same.

A lifetime can change in an instant. If I have any control over anything in life, I vow to be certain each moment, each memory... is one that will forever remind me of the good person I am and the good people I choose to share my life with.

Writing

My pilot concept is in full swing active mode. Writing, writing and more writing. I promise it's going to be juicy-sexy-intense. HBO is in my sight.

The Tipping Point

Yeterday was pretty good. Flowers and love from a bunch of people. Apparantly I've touched some lives. Right on. But the one thing I'll remember most was my conversation with Petar about "The Tipping Point" (just google it, I'm not a link-poster type). I thought about the concept all night and realized the reason I was so preoccupied was this:

The Tipping Point is a GREAT metaphor for my life. I am that little chic eclectic urban oasis that draws them in. Yet the same thing you are drawn to seems to scare you away. Take it or leave it SOB's I'm just Madonna, but I'm not the "complex". What's with the curiosity? Come hang with the differences instead of peeking and coveting. All the while packing your bags and running for the colorless hills of affluence. True wealth is more worthy than measure, your 'dollar & image' scales leave you with no cents (sense).

Do it all the way or don't do it at all. None of that half-assed shyte for me, ok?

Drafts, Edits, and Posts

Why do I have so many more drafts than actual posts?

Possibilities:
1. I hate being misunderstood more than anything (misunderstood would include loosely such things as prejudices, assumptions, and all around ego-centric states wherein others impose jugement on me/you/anyone else).
2. I suck at editing. My mind is a gift and a curse. Although it is very stimulating, it goes speed-racer like a mouse on cocaine and I can't always keep up. I seriously have to resort to music/tv/books/sex to shut it down in order to sleep.
3. I don't want to be vulnerable right now, (nearly everything I post is from my heart). As strong as I am, I also have a lot going on at the moment. Some tidbits: I have a close friend facing a vehicular homicide sentence (non-dui, just a freak accident). I found a couple of significant folks from my past. My grandma is dying. I can't fall in love for the life of me. It's very overwhelming.
4. I am on a creative cycle that is quite revolutionary. Renaissance~esque coupled with category 5 storm destructiveness. Very confusing to say the least.

"You made me acknowledge the devil in me
I hope to God I'm talking metaphorically,
Hope that I'm talking alegorically,
Know that I'm talking about the way I feel"

Vision Quest Lesson #6

It's pretty brutal when you realize you are heading in the wrong direction, spinning your wheels, or fighting for a lost cause. It's especially tough when it happens in matters of the heart. But ignoring those red-flags to avoid the beating will only delay the inevitable.

Help me break

Please baby help me fall in love
And catch me with left field's glove
If you hold on you'll feel DiMaggio's glory
And I'll complete your story

Don't worry love u gotta get it all right
Cuz there's always a sequel if it aint quite
We got enough if we let it come alive
Exponentially we can multiply

I don't wanna cramp your style
Or hoard you in insecurity's file
I'm not like every other girl
I'm very aware I need to compliment your world

I'm ready and been shoppin, gotta get this right
Heart and mind stuck, can't even fight
Love's quicksand and I have nothin to say
Heaven's prison: passion's a helluva price to pay.

Some people...

FNA. So your friend meets this guy, likes him enough. Goes out a few times and he's all pushy pursuing her. Then nothin' for a couple weeks. She writes it off because she's got options and lo & behold an email arrives out of the blue:

"I'm sorry, I just got back w/my ex and we had changed our #'s..... Dunno
how you feel about being side fun if you know what I mean..."

Is this for real?

It's not that I want to be put into the position of analyzing this, but it makes me think....

My question:
1. (back with ex)+(gotta change numbers)x(side gig)=
a) recipe for crazy baby mama psycho to come key your car
b) your booty-knockin' was the bomb and he doesn't want to let you go
c) your booty-knockin' was the bomb, but you 'aint girlfriend material
d) game-tight
e) call all your friends and bore them with your whining about how men suck
f) all of the above

Here's what I would say, "no thanks, I'm good"

Ever have a dream so good you don't want to wake up? **fixed the stuff Blogger jumbled

Ever have a dream so good you don't want to wake up? I have them often. So often I've even perfected the ability to hit the snooze button on my internal wake-up alarm. That extra few minutes to see what happens next is pretty important.


Anyways, I had a particularly good one the other night. So good I put it in one of my journals. I thumbed through all of them to find the one that had the dream log. As I browsed, I read some old entries.



Enlightening. Especially the entries about love. Yikes.


I get it now. I have spent the past couple of years on a quest for self-improvement and enlightenment. But one thing I just haven't figured out is why I sabotage, fear, and run far far away from relationships. A very close friend asked me recently why I always push men away when I start to really like them. She wouldn't let me give her an answer- at least not until I had honestly and carefully studied the issue. My immediate answer is usually a snap armchair shrink's generalization (see my earlier post on assumptions) and that doesn't count as 'honest' self-study. *hmmm 2 people pointing this out in the last week. What am I doing wrong?


My first thought was just my independence and maybe just being 'too controlling' to co-operate on such a level. I don't think I'm jaded, really... I've been hurt, but I've always recovered so what's the big deal? I am an idealist by nature and for the utter sake of the idealist's resilience, I don't think I could possibly be damaged. So what the eff is it?



The journals gave me a completely different perspective. I LOVE "standpoint epistemology" so I'm going to keep going with this, but for now here's the new thoughts:


I love in a weird way: intense, but never overwhelming. It appears to be very selfless and passionate. I think that’s why I don’t throw it out like candy at a parade. In love, I give respect, passion, and devotion... I hope I don't sound full of myself when I say it hasn't
been out of the norm to be told by an ex that they have never felt loved like they did with me. It’s just that they don’t say that until I’m gone. Ironic? Maybe. But if I reaaaaaly love someone, I make damn sure I make that man feel like King Kong. I like it that way. But lately I have been putting up walls and setting landmines. I let fears guide and hide my heart the way I did as the neighborhood champion of hide.n.seek. Gaddammit, I'm not letting anyone in! …At least not the ones that might love me right. I let in a couple of ones I knew wouldn't last. Stuff happened. I got hurt but recovered. I thought this was my demise at the time.

But now:

It boils down to only one thing:


I think I forgot something. I think I forgot to give that unconditional love. I forgot I had to trust. Pain is a must. I never feared it doing tree-climbing acrobatics, during those marathons I ran, or even those times I gave my heart: Without the bitter, the sweet would never be nearly as sweet.

Outta Sight, Outta Mind. **women are not like men

I just had a conversation with someone the other day about MEN. I asked my friend the best way to get a guy off your back that you are not interested in. He suggested a couple of routes, one that made sense; "be honest", as well as one that particularly struck a cord. I'll tell you why:

Honesty was universal and kind, but his other suggestion was a bit gamey. Games aside, the worst part was that it went completely against every grain of my being. The suggestion to start contacting the guy a lot and be 'too' interested. That was a surefire turn-off for a guy. Apparantly men like him prefer women who are absent.

Well for me, and every woman I've encountered, when a woman gets distant like that: it's pretty much TOO LATE. We are attentive to the things we like. Guys say they love the chase so they figure we like the same. Not quite babe. If we stop putting energy into you, good luck buddy it means that attention is getting focused somewhere else.

On the flip side, female humans are not unlike those of other species where the one that gives us attention is the one who gets the prize. You ever see the peacock off around the corner chillin' get the peahen? Nooooo, she picks the one buying for her attention the most. Not to say we want a stalker or anything that extreme, we just want a guy who wants to be by our side, otherwise: Out of sight, Out of mind!

As for me, absence makes the heart grow fonder ONLY once the heart is involved. Otherwise, keep it pushin'

Vision Quest Lesson #1

My opinion on "Love"

I want the kind of love I had when I was young before baggage and expectations. I know it is all aound us, but at this age, we tend to either commit before we know it's right or not commit when it is right! There's got to be a better formula, don't ya think???

The Rouse

Pleasure on the rise
Dionysious' pride
He's loving me uncontrollably
It's the softer side
Of prodded rage growing wild
Try and run and hide
Silly child this ain't no game
It'll only multiply and divide
Words like serendipity and rapture collide
Moments swept away in a pied piper tease
Wake violently to approach
Working in rythm and stride

~Nichole Leigh 10/2007

What I hate about Seattle people

So I've been a runner in Seattle for some time and recently hopped back onto my bike for my main source of transportation. What really gets me, REALLY gets me is the effin fairweather Seattleites that use the damn trails and such. I mean, it used to make me bonkers when I was training 6-9 miles a day running Greenlake from Oct-Dec 31 in whatever weather soggy Seattle used to choose to throw at me. Then come Resolution frenzied January firsters, I could hardly move amongst the cattle (literally). I would bemoan it and try my best to gazelle by them knowing in my heart in 2 weeks they'd trickle-off to the manageable few that had to prove their point to coworkers and spouses they could keep their resolve. Even they would drop off before February and I'd have my path to myself and the other serious & RESPECTFUL path pounders.

So the past few weeks have been just as lonesome on the 'ol Burke-Gillman. Just us diehards doing the damn thing. I saw the same folks out tearing it up with me during the hail/snow/rain event a few days ago while the feighnt at heart rolled cozily protected by their ton-o-metal along Montlake. God forbid they should entertain the utter existence of the old BG. But oooooh now that the sun comes out, another story. I'm back dodging rude fairweather chic wannabe bicycle messengers and bleached and tanned co-eds that have absolutely no path etiquette whatsover and I cut my leg on my pedal, bruised the hell out of my left hip, and managed to mash my pristine phone into mud. All for trying to compensate for their ineptness.

So maybe I'm selfish, maybe I just want a little props for being a 'REAL' pather, or maybe I just want a place to bitch because I hurt myself rather than roll over a clueless undergrad. But there you have it. My random vent and complaint on a SERIOUS pet-peeve.
coco

Think it's funny when white people rap?

Well, it might surprise you to know that the first rap video ever performed was a WHITE woman. 1981's post punk sexpot Debbie Harry in her unforgettable band BLONDIE had booties shaking white and black with her funky fusion Rap :"RAPTURE"

I played the 45 when I was 11 till the thing warped. When the record broke, I would flow while my sister boxed the beat. Black people have embraced the style and taken it to places noone could have foreseen. Shoot, It's good stuff, and no white person was taking the initiative to step up and follow Debbie's lead so it now is what it is. I love it now, always have. I don't give a rats behind who's delivering the beat, just as long as it's still alive.

It wasn't Eminem. It wasn't Vanilla Ice. Hell, it wasn't even NWA or Easy-E.

It was just a woman with a cat-tail on her shorts and her band called Blondie.




By the way, Sugarhill Gang's "Rapper's Delight" was a single was on the charts 6 months before this, but without a video! It hit 36 on Billboard as opposed to Blondie's 1. But when you try to Google history of rap, very few other than Wikipedia give Blondie (and Queen for that matter) any credit. Like it or not, white folks were a part of it, they were good at it, and they were instrumental in popularizing hip-hop for those that follow today.

Vision Quest Lesson #5

When it comes to human behavior, study everything. Observation is power, it is change. Heck it screwed up standard scientific reasoning and gave us Quantum. But observation is not enough to become a conclusion in and of itself.

Vision Quest Lesson #4

Although I am a strong believer in forming one's own opinion, there are exceptions to the rule... EX: When someone professes proudly from the get-go that they are a "douche": BELIEVE them. Take everything else they say at face value. It apparantly does not matter how likeable they portray themselves, the douche part will eventually come out. Dr. Jeckyl cannot hide Mr. Hyde.

Vision Quest Lesson #3

Pay attention to the signs that someone in your life ought not be there.

My letter to Randy: About being an Artist & taking the step to oils

Randy,

Thanks for taking the time to write.

Apologies for my screwed up keyboard, I spilled oj on it and my wireelss one is out of batteries. I hate to edit emails so it might not look perfect.

All that aside, I wanted to get back to you. I'm just getting over pneumonia but I'm definitely on the upswing. RE: your questions:

My education could go on and on... I love education (clearly) and it adds to my credibility on paper...but it really has nothing to do with me being an artist. I was an artist long before anyone taught me. I feel fortunate to have had natural talent since before I even entered school. But being naturally talented held me back for some time. I didn't see that the people trying to teach me could really show me anything other than new medium or tools. I am not a fanm of formal education in the arts. I am however a fan of understaning art (history, other artists, etc). It was only when I found a mentor or two that I really understood what it was to learn and grow. The few people who have been that for me taught me to find things from within, never taching me something I didn't know. Example: I was afraid of building up the paint when I used oils. I would never go far enough in fear of ruining the piece. Once I became able tto build the piece up (and pull it back from time to time) I was always producing pieces that felt so amateurish. Sometimes it's not about the amount of paint or time spent, it's about not being afraid of going there. That is a classic byproduct of acrylic painting. It takes several SEVERAL pieces to get accustomed to oils, but it is worth it. It will take you to such another level as apainter. When the rush is taken out of the process and replaced with finesse you will be creating a piece like never before. The patience part is hard to overcome as well but it is so much more fulfilling. BUT the best part is oil always looks better than acrylic. Even as soon as a week, Ac. loses it's lustre that no glaze can mimic. The colors stay richer as well. If you ever do show/ sell, your work is also worth more.

That's about all I can think of for now. I'd love to tell you more if you like.

Love is a Battlefield- Ain't that the truth!

I always adored Pat Benetar. She stirred emotions in me I hadn't even conceived of yet as a young girl. At my age now, I know all too well what they were/are.

Enjoy:

The devil is in making spaghetti sauce

It's never a good idea to put your contacts in after chopping garlic.  No matter how well you scrubbed, it's still there.

Things I've gotten consistently worse/better at:

eww, not looking so good:

1. My handwriting
2. Editing thoughts before they are sent out my mouth.
3. My OCD
4. Completing projects

finessing and perfecting:

1. Pushing away people I really like
2. Painting and creating
3. My OCD
4. Letting others complete/share in projects

"Narcicissim" and "Assumptions" ~ a deadly combination

+1 for a lesson learned
-3 for the assumption that got me there


I just hope I become this better person before I'm 80 and I've successfully repelled
every last person away from me.  

Ironically, I've been 'Spring Cleaning my Life" lately and walking away from toxic
people that embody the behavior of what I just did.  

*disclaimer~ It's unfair for me to say what I'm about to say because it's skewed by
frustrations and not at all 100% accurate.  But at times in such states (frustrations
etc.) this is the way I felt.  In calm and objective reflection I'll admit it's ever
so slightly exaggerated:

One person in particular drove me crazy over her insecurities.   Narcissism was a
constant umbilical cord to feed an ego that hadn't learned to be a soul.  Towards
the end, every comment I made was carefully analyzed.  It got so I would expect a
phone call 24 hours later like clockwork to get chewed out.  First words were "I 
hope you didn't mean XYZ when you said ABC yesterday!  Because if you did we are 
going to have it out!" Anything I said that was not flattery, even simple recollection
of facts was automatically displaced to harsh negativity by her ego. It's funny 
how sick in my stomach I felt when she made the assumption that the absence of praise had to mean criticism.  Further, any statement regardless of the subject,
SHE WOULD OWN IT! It was very Ptolomeic of her to assume the center of the universe.

One word.

Maybe two.

and she had a clear vision of my intent.  Without being able to speak, conversation
became more and more polarized.

                                      I hated her assumptions.                      
They were not pleasant.

                                            Too many bitter pills swallowed dry.....

all I can do is walk away.



The big b**ch of it is that now I catch myself making assumptions myself.  Doing the
one thing that was driving me crazy....to others.  Did I learn it from her?  Or was 
I the one to teach? 

I just want it to stop. 

Dammit!

To Catch a Thief

It never ceases to amaze me sometimes how dumb some people are. My god, I think I'm too smart for my own good.

Case in point:

1. Summer '07, an isomething goes missing from our house. I suspect a neighborhood *reformed* hoodlum, but not until he shows up with a new Nano in a different color and shows the playlist to me.

~Stikes me funny how he has some, no a lot of songs that were on our stolen stuff.
~Songs I got at my days interning at the local NPR affiliate.
~We're talking things a 22 year old hip-hop head thizzle dancer would know of, let alone even like!
~And as for my hip-hop and rap, he had all of the cd's I had on the pod and maybe a handfull more. It's hard for me to think with all the choices out there the he and I (38 years old) have exactly the same taste in music. So similar that he has every rap album I own, but nothing more on his pod.
~The kid doesn't even have a J.O.B.

2. I have no proof, so I let it go.

3. On 9/4/07 this kid has made friends with our family by now by default because he's dating the sister of my kid's best friend. He brings over a back-up of all his songs to load onto my iTunes to show me what he's got.

4. Again, I see the blaring proof that there are TOO many coincidences. TOO many obscure songs. And how does he have that dang Boyz II Men 3-song promo CD I got at the 1997 Kube•93FM birthday party that Missy Elliott gave me. I kinda think this is the clincher, n'est pas?

5. He moves away, get's a job, but we still see him around from time to time because his girly's little brother is my son's friend.

3. It's now freshly in the dawn of Spring '08. The guy comes over after working a night shift and asks to use the bathroom. My son's stuff is still in there plugged into the speakers from his shower.

4. We notice that evening the gadget is gone.

great.

5. I decide enough is enough! We've had 2 personal electronic devices, a GT BMX, a PSP, and god knows what else stolen so far since Summer.

6. Doesn't take long to cross-reference all the songs that were uploaded from our sticky fingered friend to the duplicates in my library. A little bit of simple sleuthery and I've got him!

~I open the source files for all the songs he uploaded and match them up with the duplicates' source files. MP3 hold data files they don't hold songs. Each file shows me the first time it was loaded into my computer and when it was last modified. iTunes tracks the day they are imported into your iTunes library.
~Everything that was loaded into iTunes on 9/4/07 shows the exact same back end information (creation date) that is already on my computer.
~To ice the cake, all the 2Pac albums I own were duplicated in his files. I have about 12 discs of Pac at least. I loaded them all into my library on 10/21/07. His 2Pac was loaded into a library the very same day!

*Well whaddaya know, they all match.

So I call him up and gracefully ask him to return the one that was just stolen. I explain that I have evidence and I'll turn it over to the police if he does not return it in 24 hours. No questions asked, no gossip around the neighborhood, just do the right thing. It's a guaranteed arrest on the first one and pretty mitigating on the second one. That's two counts of theft son, and you have the chance to return ONE! Better take the offer and keep these 2 counts of theft off your record.


So. I just got a call from the guy saying it's impossible for one to take music off an mp3 and put it onto a new one. But to be the bigger man, he's going to replace it on Friday with the exact same kind. **For the sake of peace he'll do it.

But wait...
This is the best part
He says it might not be a new one, but he'll get the exact same kind on Friday to replace the one he SWEARS he didn't steal.

What do you want to bet the replacement one has the same serial number as the one that was stolen?

Hennesey and tears...

Take flight

Time for a new adventure. NYC next month. Thinking of hitting Baltimore.

Disturbingly accurate.

Nichole Sex F
Seattle, WA 53 United States 11/27/1970 00:36 - Julian day 2440917.86
Adjust 8.00 ST 4.50 Lat 47.36 Long 122.20
Birth Chart
This birth chart shows the positions of the planets of Nichole

Sun in Sagittarius
She is good, idealistic, enthusiastic and warm-hearted. She is independent, has a taste for travel and freedom. She is pre-disposed to a professional career.
Weaknesses: She is too adventurous and leaves things to chance: takes risks which cause problems: she is rebellious and has a playful spirit.

Moon in Scorpio
Courageous, brave, independent, not a fearful nature. The type of sensual woman who likes
eroticism.Weaknesses: excesses of pleasures of the flesh, sensual delights and sensuality

Mercury in Sagittarius
Democrat, philosopher, tolerant, respectful of laws. Likes foreign travel. Believes that everything teaches you
something.
Weaknesses: free spirit, that likes adventure and will leap into hazardous and risky affairs.

Venus in Scorpio
Sensual and passionate, she likes love, the act of making love. Passionate loves, full of ardor and desire where the partner needs to be able to match her level or else recriminations will follow. While being passionate, she is also jealous and possessive.
Weaknesses: if disappointed or deceived in love, she can become bitter and odious. She hates the person as much as she used to love. Only jealousy can be as strong as hate.

Mars in Libra
Aggression is quite simply repressed. She stores up the setbacks without letting it show, but too much can be difficult to support. Appreciates the Arts, beauty.
Weaknesses: she is quick to criticize the society in which she lives. She likes to please and plays on the affection of others.

Jupiter in Scorpio 
She is provocative, brusque, offensive. Very pretentious and opinionated, with lots of authority and ambition. Possibility of a large family.
Weaknesses: immoderate sensual appetite. Pretension, disdain, insolence.

Saturn in Taurus
Slow butpersistent in action. Perseverance of effort, assiduity, in a regular and set manner.
Weaknesses: she perseveres, insisting on her way but is intransigent. Not very expansive.

Uranus in Libra 
Well-developed artistic leanings. Her balance can be upset by too great an independence.

Neptune in Sagittarius
Likes long voyages, things foreign, water.

Pluto in Virgo
Takes away her shyness.

Sign and ascendant
Sagittarius ascendant Virg0

The planets in the houses
The planetary positions in the houses express the facts relative to destiny.

Sun in III
She has a good education, a solid grasp of facts. Socially successful, she wants to be known. She has a strong influence on her circle.

Moon in III
Highly imaginative, but has difficulty in concentrating. She fantasizes sometimes. Important studies, moves around a lot and travels frequently.

Mercury in IV 
Good education, she is cultivated, likes literature, family life and family relationships.

Venus in III
Likes everything that is beautiful, likes decorum. Outstanding intelligence. She works in a trade linked to beauty, fashion. Numerous select friends.

Mars in II
She undertakes daring and dangerous enterprises. She has lots of initiative. She works hard for her money, of which she earns a lot. She is a spendthrift, money comes and goes. She is always ready to start from scratch in the event of a setback. Great willingness and enthusiasm.

Jupiter in III
She has good judgement, a sense of values, an open and optimistic mind, a good education and high moral standards. She likes studying. She is successful in communications work. Her professional work is a vocation and plays a great part in her life.

Saturn in IX 
She is studious, patient, rigorous, austere. She likes reflection, meditation. She carries out all the plans she makes. She is a stay-at-home.

Uranus in II 
She has a lot of flair. She is unreliable at work, always ready for change. She must have an out-of-the-ordinary job, in which case all goes well: otherwise, she will often change jobs and will have financial problems.

Neptune in III
She has a lot of imagination, high ideals. She is nostalgic. Likes studying.


The houses in the signs

Ascendant in Virgo
Predisposed for the medical, paramedical, or social service professions. Likes peace and tranquility at home. Looks for a loving and tender partner.

House II in Libra 
Income will come either as a result of an advantageous marriage, or by a very useful association.

House III in Scorpio 
Makes a good investigator because she is very curious, likes researching and does this with a lot of patience, likes to solve mysteries. Knows how to take risks, while being aware of the dangers.

House IV in Sagittarius 
She will certainly marry a foreigner, or go to live abroad permanently and set up home there.

House V in Capricorn 
The absolute example of the "serious" type. Everything is calculated, the slightest risk analyzed, patience is one of her main qualities. Doesn't know anything about chance. One or two love affairs, marriage, a family, all unproblematic - done calmly with love and wisdom.

House VI in Aquarius
One of the professions or teaching. Weak point: the circulation of the blood.

House VII in Pisces 
Marriage with someone who will quickly disappoint. The spouse's lack of energy and vitality will annoy her, and this could lead to the break-up of the marriage. A second, happier one could happen.

House VIII in Aries 
The spouse will tend to spend more money than she earns. Be careful of any haste that could prove dangerous. Drives a car too fast.

House X in Gemini 
Profession requiring lots of change and movement. If this isn't the case, then lots of job changes. Likes to move, travel, write.

House XI in Cancer 
Sincere and life-long friendships. The family comes first, however.

House XII in Leo
A few problems with authority or someone in charge.

Interplanetary aspects

The interplanetary aspects have a strong influence on the character and disposition of the individual and, consequently, on her destiny.
The conjunction aspect is variable and depends above all on the nature of the conjoint planets.

292 Conjunction Sun - Neptune
She has a fertile imagination, is full of inspiration, and very emotional - all qualities that she uses on the professional level. She likes the Arts, beauty.

157 Conjunction Moon - Jupiter 
She is frank, honest, optimistic and generous. She likes good cooking, her comforts. Her friendships are sincere. She is a worker and knows how to surround herself with the right people: she is appreciated at work.

-129 Opposition Jupiter - Saturn
She is indifferent to what goes on around her, is mistrustful and always unsatisfied. She is easily irritated.

-104 Opposition Moon - Saturn 
She has changeable moods, a reserved character, is stubborn and lacks assurance. Her relationship with her mother is disturbing and difficult, she has considerable family problems. This is the standard aspect for children who are abandoned or lack maternal love.

89 Conjunction Moon - Venus
She is gracious, sweet and gay. She likes pleasure and entertainment, but also the Arts. She needs tenderness, loves and wants children. She appreciates home life in a comfortable atmosphere.

67 Sextile Moon - Ascendant 
She has a good influence on the family, which loves and helps the person. She likes travelling, movement, change. She likes contact and is open to other people.

47 Sextile Mercury - Mars 
She likes to discuss, likes polemic. She has good judgement and is determined. She is a worker and has lots of energy. She has a lively intelligence and goes to the heart of things.

39 Sextile Neptune - Pluto 

36 Trine Saturn - Ascendant 
She is serious, sober, thoughtful, pays attention to detail. She likes to be with older people.

24 Trine Uranus - Midheaven
She must have a job that allows her complete freedom, something non-routine. She likes change, has a lot of energy and knows how to influence others in spite of her originality.

-20 Opposition Venus - Saturn 
This aspect sometimes means unhealthy sensuality. She is hard, and does not know how to express her emotions. She is frightened of showing her love, and this leads to disappointments, break-ups, lack of satisfaction. It is likely that she had problems with her mother, who did not know how to love her or give her self-confidence. She doubts, is suspicious and jealous. She will learn how to be happy in love, to be at ease with herself and to control her jealousy in the second half of her life, thanks to an older person, who gives her self-confidence back to her, so she can then trust others.

-18 Opposition Mercury - Midheaven
She has no specific aim in life. She frequently changes jobs, is unstable but likes change, which gives her the feeling of living intensely. Lots of activity as far as love is concerned - she has a full sex life.

16 Sextile Jupiter - Ascendant 
She likes meeting friends, around a good meal and in a cordial atmosphere. She is pleasant, jovial and engaging.

-15 Square Mercury - Ascendant
She likes to criticize, to gossip. Frequently arguing, she is nervous but also disturbed. She looks out too much for a verbal battle, and is provoking.

Aspects
Planet Aspect Planet Orb/Value
Sun Conjunction Neptune 3.55 292
Moon Conjunction Venus 6.01 89
Moon Conjunction Jupiter 4.23 157
Moon Opposition Saturn 1.50 -104
Moon Sextile Ascendant 1.02 67
Mercury Sextile Mars 2.37 47
Mercury Square Ascendant 4.22 -15
Mercury Opposition Midheaven 7.34 -18
Venus Opposition Saturn 7.51 -20
Jupiter Opposition Saturn 2.33 -129
Jupiter Sextile Ascendant 3.22 16
Saturn Trine Ascendant 0.48 36
Uranus Trine Midheaven 1.32 24
Neptune Sextile Pluto 1.25 39
767 -286 481

Sign types & asteroids
Signs masculine 5 Signs of fire 3
Signs feminine 5 Signs of earth 2
Signs cardinals 2 Signs of air 2
Signs fixed 4 Signs of water 3
Signs mutable 4
Chiron Aries 5.48 R
Ceres Aries 24.21 R
Pallas Aquarius 28.34
Juno Taurus 22.03 R
Vesta Scorpio 21.37
Fortune Leo 28.28
South node Leo 27.22

Victoria

Victoria Randy and my lover. A creative write....

She had a million personas in her slight frame. I felt it when our silly girl tango swithched from follow to lead. I've never felt anything like it. I knew I had the power but somewhere down the line I'd let her be the guide. She said she looked in my eyes and got lost inside. Randy already took the dive. But they knew I would be the one to decide. Her nervous flirt a contrast to his old seductive dialogue. She held my hand and tried to play cool. But my lover pulled me away with memory's hand. He was all that occupied my mind.

He

Wondering why leaving isolation feels so lonely

So I've had a tough few weeks (for those of you who don't know). Circumstances and events beyond my control have tossed me into an involuntary episode of isolation. I'm an active person by nature and EXTREMELY social. The exit into this alter-state was less than smoothe. Let's just say it was more like going through a shotgun wedding.

So you would think that my emergence from iso would be magical and full of sunshine and rainbows, wouldn't you? Not quite. I've come out only to see that it's really not the same. Those 'good ol days' are gone and don't appear to be on the menu anymore. I still have people around me, but they aren't the same. I feel like the senior coming back from her junior year abroad. I'm different and I no longer can relate. Like we all just drifted apart. It's such a paradox. I feel so sickeningly lonely now that I am no longer alone.

Time to chart another course.

Research is necessary

I'm curious as to what I'm sending out these days. It has to be more than words or actions. Thanks to EXACTLY 14 random people citing my 'energy' in the last month, I am inclined to assert credibility (or at least curiosity) to the concept of such a thing. As if in a physiological "Big Bang" I am in a complete new world. I have always been accused of 'looking for the black hole' at the same time holding hands with pragmaticism. I have felt as if I was on a constant teeter-totter (or better yet, tug-of-war) game with idealism and realism. Suffice it to say, I'm a bit confused as to my 'human' element and how it can co-habitate with my logical element. I'm at a loss as to how to reconcile the two yet infatuated by both. Soooo, considereing the KOSMOS (Greek philo), I am tempted to ask someone to explain why in such a temultuous time, I have found myself and my encounters as of late to be particularly serendipidous????

no comment

This is for you Mitch

I've never been moved like this before. PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO VIEW!!!

BI-RACIAL HAIR

Insomnia

I'm suffering.... bad.

There's just so much fun stuff to do and think about, I'm getting consistently about 4 hours a night. I need someone to knock some sense into me before I burn out.

Job offer today---I'm the man... oh yeah!

I won't know if I can swing the details yet, but I'm pretty sure it's going to happen! The Jamaica gig is going to be MINE because I rock!

Do we still have a Vice President?

Just wondering, I haven't heard a peep about him or seen his mug for a long time.

My Berlin Wall just came down

What the heck is the matter with me? I feel so confused. When I feel this way, I typically shut people out or run and hide. I shove personas of strength and control down people's throats so that I can keep them at arms length. I play gangsta, maneater, and 'got it all under control' so well, I believed it myself! Pretty screwy when I think about it. It's like wearing armor into a swimming pool. No one's gonna get inside. Am I that damaged?

I'm feeling things that I have never felt before about a few subjects. I thought I had it all figured out and now I realize I didn't know a thing

The last 3 months have been nothing but a crazy firing line of new emotions.
And the weird part is it is a bunch of unrelated things that came up at the same time! What opened the floodgates starting November 2007?

And why the hell didn't I feel these things before? I'm thirty seven dammit and I would
have appreciated dealing with this new stuff before now. I feel like I'm in emotional
puberty. The silly thing is most of what's going on is very peaceful. But my retarded
cynical behind can't enjoy this nice happy Disney movie. I've convinced myself it's going to end Tarantino style.

What's worse is... who cares? I don't need to figure everything out. I don't need to keep everyone at arms length. Trusting others does not undeniably lead to betrayal just because it happened once upon a time. I've lost my appetite and can't sleep. I can't continue this, I promise tomorrow to trust and embrace the ignorance. Some things are not meant to be figured out.

I officially commit to enjoy and not question this. Whatever 'it' is... it is what it is

Rehab

I know it's time to face the fact that I'm a slave to aesthetics when I bought those oh-so-chic Calvin Klein bowls, knowing the damn things won't stack. Yep, cursing myself every time I empty the dishwasher.

"u alone make it wrong or right" & "I don't want u" 2 poems from April 07

When I am the dreamer....
I am:

freedom
accessible
late to class
late to work
late in theory
2 late to query
missing regularity
getting high off of detachment

But it's better if you are the dreamer....

Then, I can make them come alive
Always by your side
So baby just take your chances
just don't rush
a fire that hot can't help but burn out
just go with the flow...
don't take it slow
and fly too low
so that you dip my wings...
that ocean holds freedom hostage
killing what could never die

If you let me be selfish
in return I'll give your dreams life
I'm in love with life
in love with me
becoming sensuality

(© 4/20/07 Nichole Leigh)

Maybe u can tell me
why I don't want u.

Cuz I want to make sure
those sweet eyes stay wide.

Baby this is so easy for me
to see why can't u?

Can't stay my lover
if we can't be friends.

How do you feel about casual sex?

Here’s my take:
Sex is very important to me. It is an open and intense place for me. I bond with my lover even if all we have is that one night. The intensity is unclassifiable. For that reason, I reserve casual sex for few select people. It needs to be a friend. We need to be able to bond by sharing intimacy privately without expectations, explanation, or regret. With a lover, the world assumes intimacy. With friends, it’s a secret only the two of us share. It might be selfish, but the less the rest of the world is involved, the more for us.

Relationship sex:
Sometimes friendship sex turns into relationship sex. I understand I run the risk of this evolution, but if I am to fall in love... I must first have a friend. But this transition requires perfect synchronicity. It requires consent on both sides. It is perfectly acceptable to love your friend. But we fail in that we skip the step of friendship trying to own partnership. I won't let anyone shame me for valuing the bond of a friendship over coupling. I am complete without coupling, it is only an enhancement, not an ingredient in my self-worth. But I am not above admitting I have needs. My ingredients: family, self worth in harmony with humility, ethics, respect, idealistic faith, intimacy, trust, and true siterhood/brotherhood that I have found in my deepest friendships.