Fire

Fire

I’d rather not be here tonight
I knew from the start this was just a flame
I had my fun dancing around it –pretty little sparks
Playing with fire with simple urgency
Now I’m trying to finish what I started
Suffocating the longing with an old familiar blanket
Something is dying and you can see it in my eyes

You had to know this ignite doesn’t have long-term potential
I look into the future and I don’t see you in it
When I’m on that island you won’t save me
And I know that
Pretty soon the phone is just gonna ring
I will mean to call you back
But you‘ll know before I do that I won’t

Chorus:

Don’t feel bad baby love
I’ll always remember you calling me cupcake
If I see the scars from the lit-tle burns
Back when we were oh-so alive
And on fire

slow ride

I miss how you gave me so much love.
I miss how you gave me the feeling of Ernie & Bert.
I miss how you kept me safe and encouraged me to fall.
But baby the reason I'm missing you is because you set limits to all those things.
A bittersweet whirlwind of passion, you taught me how to be so free
Maybe that's why it hurt so bad when you pulled that rug from under me.

If it takes a hundred years
He's gonna take me there
Walls aren't so bad mister.
You shoulda told me while asking me to break them down
That I had prescient knowledge of reality.
I wanna take it slow, on my time,
It's a beautiful ride...

Options

Thanks to some early morning thought-provocation, I would like to clear up a common misconception. I'm not a person who just 'does what she wants'

I'm a person who has made the most desirable choices out of the available options. Most often what I want is not available to me.

It might behoove me to opt out in the future rather than make a choice that is merely acceptable rather than stellar. After all, I appear satisfied, but I'm just appeased at best. I'd rather not have that viewpoint cast upon me. I think this will open doors for me to actually get what I want

My bumble bee ride

Today was not just another ordinary day.
A day where hours felt like moments and moments lasted a lifetime.
Today should have been a troubled day.
Instead the bumble bee took me in little bits off the stamen
Rolled and bounced me through the sky to gently offer me to a swollen pistil.

Pleasure filled senses
Replacing forced solitude.
Today could have been such a different kind of day
If I had chosen the butterfly.

Trust is better without labels.. Status Schmatus

do you trust me?

this question's answer is the epitome of personal validation,

I've always believed that the only trust that is true is that which comes free of obligation.
ex: If you desire commitment from me you ought not require a label for the answer. As a matter of fact, my gift of true trust & commitment should come from my DESIRE to commit my longing for you & only you.... Not the necessity and reciprocity of that obligation.

If you are confused, let me just say this: If I say I love you. If I say I want you. If I open myself physically, emotionally, & actively to you... another's desire for me should not be of mind.

I am an attractive person, no Kim, no Nicole, no Ciara, by any means. But I am Coco. I have my attributes. I act on my impulses & out of my self, sensuality, intelligence & intrigue because I am who I am: who you desire. So think about it... why wouldn't another man desire me as well? It shouldn't threaten you, it should validate your choice. PERIOD.

Let me surmise that I am not the one all desire, but I am who YOU desire. Because of who I am. So why dammit wouldn't someone else agree with your choice? If this is the case, why would you want me to decline another advance solely because of my label tied to you & not because I just simply chose you?

I simply mean this: Is it more valuable that I have the label 'girlfriend' or 'wife'.......or would there be no value in my decline of another's advancement because I :::::chose you? Would you prefer I decline another's advance as "I'm flattered but...." or "I just simply am not interested" Take away the labels of "status" & allow a woman to choose based on simply who she wants & you have something real, not restricted.

Peace & Love, Coco

*the box, the label..is face security. The choice is the only commitment one should yearn for. If that is absent, that is the only matter for concern.

My forever

This. This is forever. I'm not sure how I get to forever, but you... you I know will be there.

Painters

I have a past

I've barely slept. He told me last that he thinks I'm in love with someone else. The man had been involved with intimately for quite some time before we even met.

But he didn't understand that my love for that man, although it was inconsequential to he and I and required no clarification my part, was intricate and benign . As were all my past relations...inconsequential in that they had no immediate influence on "us". My past has formed me, true. But my past has no other relavance. Nor should it be of any mind other than ' love it or leave it'.

I'm going to stand my ground on my sentimentality & fondness of prior romantic or sexual influences.

Your take?

Uninvited and you oughtta know

Geez like a zillion years ago when I was young, I dated a man 9 years my senior. We went round and round for almost as long until the dance was just tired and blistered from repeated steps. We sat one sunny La Cieniga evening on the steps of his ultra white sofa flanked home where mail came FedEx and I had to be svelt and never sit on the sofa.

I was so in love with him
And he wanted so desperately to be in love with me.
but we weren't
at least not then
I could tell so many stories of passion....
desire....
intensity....

But one moment in the car
the radio played her.
Her angst tore us apart.
I was wise enough to know and he was young enough to feel that she was right.

Tick tock it was a matter of time.


He killed that girl. JDR made me. Made me then broke me.

 NPL.

Alanis the bitch followed it up. She just couldn't leave me alone... She screwewd me once and decided she'd write my fate again: over and over and over again....



Jaded bitch that I am... You.... I crave

Stop fucking with me please.

I am older than you but he broke me when I was a babe... just let me have this moment...

Vision Quest #12: White Flags

learning how to function while you are weak teaches you a couple of things.

1. It's a waste of time to chase after cars that will never stop
2. Settling is never a good idea, but accepting reality can be
3. Ever the determinist, I believe there is no true free will, so believe every moment has a purpose

The Jerk

I always liked Steve Martin.

But I think I take the cake.

Today:
1. I referred to someone I care about as "stock".... Buy low sell high, get out while you can.
2. Missed drinks with my friend from NYC to argue the deficeincies in scientific reasoning with my brother (we do this all the freakin' time, love him.. but we can do that any day)
3. Let little crap this evening ruin an absolutely stellar day
4. Missed my other brother's birthday party
5. Complained

I want to be a nicer person.

Lust

Seems like it's nuthin' but trouble.
Euphoria gets ya singing "Should I Stay Or Should I Go"
In the moment, feels right like the other team's fumble
You just watch them cheer and take it like a pro.

•Got me feeling out of control
But i like it all the same

•I find it so tempting, my senses,
Independently i'm in control
Cuz you've got me so naked, I'm achin'
And i'm feeling something sensual

Phonejaxx ft Cosi Costi

•You know you got me burning up, baby

•You're always closing your door
Well that only makes me want you more
And day and night I cry for your love
But you're still not convinced that that is enough
To justify my wanting you
Now tell me what you want me to do
I'm not blind and I know
That you want to want me but you can't let go
Come on, let go, oh

Madonna

•Baby I've got the shovel, and I know that you've got the dirt, so c'mon, honey, let's get together and let's get down to work.

John Spencer Blues Explosion

•You make sick
I want you and I'm hatin' it
Got me lit like a candlestick
Get too hot when you touch the tip
I'm feeling it I gotta get a grip on this
Driving me crazy baby don't you quit
Can't get enought of it

Pink

Cool if your offense is game-tight. Trouble...unless you wanna pay double....

17 days

17 days is all I have left and I'm suddenly all too aware as to how sad I am. I'm pretty sure I'm about to cry and I don't like it one bit. It's been so long since I have, I'd think I forgot how...no such luck, I can feel the welling in my left eye as I type.

My emotions are all over the place lately. This would be a good time to have that best friend.

Vision Quest #12 :: For the love of god!

stop going to interviews if you don't want the job!

Vision Quest #11 :: Fill-er-up!

Loving people is draining. Yes, this is true. But so is an oil change. I look forward to getting filled back up.

So one of my favorite blogs is gone. GONE! Disappeared into the abyss of 404 notifications. "Where Bourgeois Meets Ghetto" is no more.

I let go of my best (and oh so reminiscent of Nicole Ritchie) bff. *all in jest peeps, I'd never REALLY use kiddie text lingo. But in all seriousness, alcoholism is a demon that will eat the best of friendships alive. I'm happy, yet sad. I still have to hear about her escapades of 5-0 chasing her five deep for eluding and drunken idiocracy and hauling off her new man 10+ years her junior in her place to the klink. Somehow this made him her hero, go figure. I worry about the kids.

I came to terms with a friend I care for leaving our country to go back home *to the good life....
all the while cursing America for forgetting this past decade we WERE the promised land. I wonder what my ancestors would think, both native and immigrant.

Here I am now. Partly sad, partly relieved, 100% lonely.

Kinda scary thinking of not having that true friend, companion, partner by my side. You all call it a best friend. But I call it a true gift. I'm officially on the market for a best girlfriend and a boyfriend.

Girls: please no drama queens, have your own life, educated a plus, savvy and hip a must! Are there any of you left out there?

Guys: I don't want contracts and invasions of space. I don't want something that can be argued in a
propsition called #8. I just want someone who likes having me around from time to time and takes
me for what I'm worth. But gaaaawd! All the good ones are taken (at least I mean the ones that want to be involved). You guys know who you are, your either gay or content in your bachelor-ness. It's cool, I'm not hatin'. I never thought I'd actually settle down myself!

That was my mistake. He has already passed me by. She's already got her circle of friends and jumping in now is like infiltrating a high school clique. Doors closed, gone, 404'd or taken.

So I guess today I give my concession speech. But hey, I've saved my resume if any of you guys have a referral.

Vision Quest #10 :: Topsy Turvy

Topsy Turvy

I want someone to tell me why I don't just go out and get what I want already.  I mean, I know what it is.  I'm totally prepared for life with it or without it.  I like things the way they are, but simple content is not nearly as sweet as the bliss of goals attained.  I gotta admit my "retirement fund" is looking slim.  I'm not afraid of the challenge... win or lose.  I'm basically ripe for the picking.  

Guess I need someone to come along and pull me off this damn tree because I can't seem to pick myself and fall into the perfect basket.  Hope it happens soon.  Looks like my only other option besides these birds pecking is to spoil and fall flat on my face.  Don't think that exactly counts as being a go-getter.

Vision Quest Lesson #9 :: Structuralism

Structuralism:     Everything is a system.... can be mapped or charted out.

strophe: puts out a certain conclusion

antistrophe: modifies

The semiotician looks at individual instances.

The structuralist looks at all instances & comes to a universal conclusion.

I really love structure... in theory.  But not being able to separate one from all when 'concluding' annoys the snot outta me.

Suppose I'm going to have to admit structuralism is not at the top of my list of beloved philosophical doctrines

 

Vision Quest Lesson #8 :: Deconstruction of coco

Marxism: distinction between theory & practice

• goal of a socialist is to poke holes in the superstructure (=>inevitable collapse) via revolution.
• necessity: must convice people 

Deconstrucion: theory IS practice. practice IS theory

• goal of the intellectual is to not become the mouthpiece for power.  
• fight power by damaging using it's own tools against itself.
• result: validity is lost.

Deconstruction removes belief system (as to the way things are).
............................I am painfully aware of my preference.  Crooked or broken, still the same essence regardless of original 'form' ~ 

• 

odd and random info (I was tagged)

Sean tagged me. Right on! For those that don't know, it means I have to answer all the following questions...

It always fun, even though I realize every time after I'm done that I'm likely a complete loon!

Ahh what he heck, here goes:


What were you doing five years ago?
I was creating a non-profit and living in the heart of the CD

What are five things on your to-do list for today (in no particular order)?
1. Overnight the discs
2. Find out what's going on with Tonja
3. Listen to some of the 33 voice mails I have in my inbox
4. Run
5. Laundry


What are five snacks you enjoy?
1. Watermelon
2. Salad with bleu cheese crumbles
3. Leftovers
4. Strawberry Mini Wheats
5. Coffee


What five things would you do if you were a billionaire?
1. Philanthropy
2. Get that kick a** artist's loft (here, Manhattan, LA (downtown), The Big Easy, and somewhere overseas
3. Create a marathon
4. Buy primo land and donate it to Habitat for Humanity
5. Try my best to stay 'humble' and 'real'


What are five of your bad habits?
1. Starting things I'm not willing to finish
2. Saying th "f" word
3. Over analyzing
4. Waiting till the deadline to start, cram, etc.
5. Watching too many CSI~ish shows


What are five places where you have lived?
1. Seattle, WA
2. Los Angeles, CA
3. Bellingham, WA
4. Morelia, Michocan (Mexico)
5. Jasper, Alberta (Canada)


What are five jobs you've had?
1. Manager
2. Bartender
3. Accountant
4. Photographer
5. Burger-flipper


I tag these peeps:

Cloda

Julie

Tonja

DRAT plans foiled :(

Well, I didn't make the lottery for the NYC Marathon this year. But I can still secure a spot to run if I commit to a fundraiser

I don't know if I can raise $3000, but if any of you all think you would want to donate to one of the charities on this page, let me know and I'll sign up to raise the dough!

RRRRRAAAAAAALLLLLLYYYYY-in the support y'all. Think we can do it? *I'm leaning towards Amercan Heart Association because of my mom and grampa.