Options

Thanks to some early morning thought-provocation, I would like to clear up a common misconception. I'm not a person who just 'does what she wants'

I'm a person who has made the most desirable choices out of the available options. Most often what I want is not available to me.

It might behoove me to opt out in the future rather than make a choice that is merely acceptable rather than stellar. After all, I appear satisfied, but I'm just appeased at best. I'd rather not have that viewpoint cast upon me. I think this will open doors for me to actually get what I want

Art for the sake of art

Ira's show is amazing. I'm so proud of her. Really, how often do you think video installations bring top dollar from collecters? I can pretty much bet the house not so much. I know she's amazing and I know she creates solely for the love of her work.

http://punchgallery.org/exhibitions/2008-12.html

The Jerk

I always liked Steve Martin.

But I think I take the cake.

Today:
1. I referred to someone I care about as "stock".... Buy low sell high, get out while you can.
2. Missed drinks with my friend from NYC to argue the deficeincies in scientific reasoning with my brother (we do this all the freakin' time, love him.. but we can do that any day)
3. Let little crap this evening ruin an absolutely stellar day
4. Missed my other brother's birthday party
5. Complained

I want to be a nicer person.

So one of my favorite blogs is gone. GONE! Disappeared into the abyss of 404 notifications. "Where Bourgeois Meets Ghetto" is no more.

I let go of my best (and oh so reminiscent of Nicole Ritchie) bff. *all in jest peeps, I'd never REALLY use kiddie text lingo. But in all seriousness, alcoholism is a demon that will eat the best of friendships alive. I'm happy, yet sad. I still have to hear about her escapades of 5-0 chasing her five deep for eluding and drunken idiocracy and hauling off her new man 10+ years her junior in her place to the klink. Somehow this made him her hero, go figure. I worry about the kids.

I came to terms with a friend I care for leaving our country to go back home *to the good life....
all the while cursing America for forgetting this past decade we WERE the promised land. I wonder what my ancestors would think, both native and immigrant.

Here I am now. Partly sad, partly relieved, 100% lonely.

Kinda scary thinking of not having that true friend, companion, partner by my side. You all call it a best friend. But I call it a true gift. I'm officially on the market for a best girlfriend and a boyfriend.

Girls: please no drama queens, have your own life, educated a plus, savvy and hip a must! Are there any of you left out there?

Guys: I don't want contracts and invasions of space. I don't want something that can be argued in a
propsition called #8. I just want someone who likes having me around from time to time and takes
me for what I'm worth. But gaaaawd! All the good ones are taken (at least I mean the ones that want to be involved). You guys know who you are, your either gay or content in your bachelor-ness. It's cool, I'm not hatin'. I never thought I'd actually settle down myself!

That was my mistake. He has already passed me by. She's already got her circle of friends and jumping in now is like infiltrating a high school clique. Doors closed, gone, 404'd or taken.

So I guess today I give my concession speech. But hey, I've saved my resume if any of you guys have a referral.

She's a SUPER-STAR!

That's my girl! Woot Woot!
BET Awards 2008!

Vision Quest #7: You never know.... It can always be worse.

u never know what can happen.

I met this lady a few years ago and I immediately adored her. She was charismatic, educated, savvy and possesed multitudes of qualities I rate highly in others. I was drawn to her by both admiration and intrigue. She was financially smart, supported worthy causes, and freakin' hilarious fun to be with.

The purpose of the verbose intro was let you know that crap can land in just about anybody's lap. This awesome lady was involved in an auto accident that resulted in serious injuries and a fatality. Her life is forever changed. She's still the same person, but she will never be the same.

A lifetime can change in an instant. If I have any control over anything in life, I vow to be certain each moment, each memory... is one that will forever remind me of the good person I am and the good people I choose to share my life with.

The Tipping Point

Yeterday was pretty good. Flowers and love from a bunch of people. Apparantly I've touched some lives. Right on. But the one thing I'll remember most was my conversation with Petar about "The Tipping Point" (just google it, I'm not a link-poster type). I thought about the concept all night and realized the reason I was so preoccupied was this:

The Tipping Point is a GREAT metaphor for my life. I am that little chic eclectic urban oasis that draws them in. Yet the same thing you are drawn to seems to scare you away. Take it or leave it SOB's I'm just Madonna, but I'm not the "complex". What's with the curiosity? Come hang with the differences instead of peeking and coveting. All the while packing your bags and running for the colorless hills of affluence. True wealth is more worthy than measure, your 'dollar & image' scales leave you with no cents (sense).

Do it all the way or don't do it at all. None of that half-assed shyte for me, ok?

Drafts, Edits, and Posts

Why do I have so many more drafts than actual posts?

Possibilities:
1. I hate being misunderstood more than anything (misunderstood would include loosely such things as prejudices, assumptions, and all around ego-centric states wherein others impose jugement on me/you/anyone else).
2. I suck at editing. My mind is a gift and a curse. Although it is very stimulating, it goes speed-racer like a mouse on cocaine and I can't always keep up. I seriously have to resort to music/tv/books/sex to shut it down in order to sleep.
3. I don't want to be vulnerable right now, (nearly everything I post is from my heart). As strong as I am, I also have a lot going on at the moment. Some tidbits: I have a close friend facing a vehicular homicide sentence (non-dui, just a freak accident). I found a couple of significant folks from my past. My grandma is dying. I can't fall in love for the life of me. It's very overwhelming.
4. I am on a creative cycle that is quite revolutionary. Renaissance~esque coupled with category 5 storm destructiveness. Very confusing to say the least.

"You made me acknowledge the devil in me
I hope to God I'm talking metaphorically,
Hope that I'm talking alegorically,
Know that I'm talking about the way I feel"

Some people...

FNA. So your friend meets this guy, likes him enough. Goes out a few times and he's all pushy pursuing her. Then nothin' for a couple weeks. She writes it off because she's got options and lo & behold an email arrives out of the blue:

"I'm sorry, I just got back w/my ex and we had changed our #'s..... Dunno
how you feel about being side fun if you know what I mean..."

Is this for real?

It's not that I want to be put into the position of analyzing this, but it makes me think....

My question:
1. (back with ex)+(gotta change numbers)x(side gig)=
a) recipe for crazy baby mama psycho to come key your car
b) your booty-knockin' was the bomb and he doesn't want to let you go
c) your booty-knockin' was the bomb, but you 'aint girlfriend material
d) game-tight
e) call all your friends and bore them with your whining about how men suck
f) all of the above

Here's what I would say, "no thanks, I'm good"

"Narcicissim" and "Assumptions" ~ a deadly combination

+1 for a lesson learned
-3 for the assumption that got me there


I just hope I become this better person before I'm 80 and I've successfully repelled
every last person away from me.  

Ironically, I've been 'Spring Cleaning my Life" lately and walking away from toxic
people that embody the behavior of what I just did.  

*disclaimer~ It's unfair for me to say what I'm about to say because it's skewed by
frustrations and not at all 100% accurate.  But at times in such states (frustrations
etc.) this is the way I felt.  In calm and objective reflection I'll admit it's ever
so slightly exaggerated:

One person in particular drove me crazy over her insecurities.   Narcissism was a
constant umbilical cord to feed an ego that hadn't learned to be a soul.  Towards
the end, every comment I made was carefully analyzed.  It got so I would expect a
phone call 24 hours later like clockwork to get chewed out.  First words were "I 
hope you didn't mean XYZ when you said ABC yesterday!  Because if you did we are 
going to have it out!" Anything I said that was not flattery, even simple recollection
of facts was automatically displaced to harsh negativity by her ego. It's funny 
how sick in my stomach I felt when she made the assumption that the absence of praise had to mean criticism.  Further, any statement regardless of the subject,
SHE WOULD OWN IT! It was very Ptolomeic of her to assume the center of the universe.

One word.

Maybe two.

and she had a clear vision of my intent.  Without being able to speak, conversation
became more and more polarized.

                                      I hated her assumptions.                      
They were not pleasant.

                                            Too many bitter pills swallowed dry.....

all I can do is walk away.



The big b**ch of it is that now I catch myself making assumptions myself.  Doing the
one thing that was driving me crazy....to others.  Did I learn it from her?  Or was 
I the one to teach? 

I just want it to stop. 

Dammit!

Hennesey and tears...

Body Movin' I'll be a bitch, but I'll be the love of your life

So I have to preface this with the fact that:
1. I'm a Sagittarius. Fire sign sums me up. I typically smolder, but occasionally, someone fans the flame and I blow up. Intense, yes, but you better enjoy the heat because it calms pretty fast.

I was a white child in poverty looking at white suburia with the dawning of the Beastie Boys... But I paid attention nonetheless. I may not have felt what you felt, but empathy marked and scarred me. Built character and heart. I suffered my own, yet I still took the time to shed blood for others. Please don't ever say that I don't understand the bottom of the barrel just because you are looking through a different lens?!

First of all........Color is not a modifier to me. Actions and character are.

Are you a bigot?
Are you a palyer?
Are you a racist?
How do you judge?

I don't give a f*** honestly as long as what you put out::::: who you are as..... WHO YOU ARE! So I can know what to expect.

But no matter what, don't look at my education, calm demeaner or skin color and assume I'm any less or more. I cannot be more than the least you ever expected, but I can be all that you need if you open your eyes.

It's not that I'm feeling underestimated. I'm a novel to my friends, but I know I'm not an easy read. Read if you want or pass on by. Just don't forget that things worth something are never easy//////