My Berlin Wall just came down

What the heck is the matter with me? I feel so confused. When I feel this way, I typically shut people out or run and hide. I shove personas of strength and control down people's throats so that I can keep them at arms length. I play gangsta, maneater, and 'got it all under control' so well, I believed it myself! Pretty screwy when I think about it. It's like wearing armor into a swimming pool. No one's gonna get inside. Am I that damaged?

I'm feeling things that I have never felt before about a few subjects. I thought I had it all figured out and now I realize I didn't know a thing

The last 3 months have been nothing but a crazy firing line of new emotions.
And the weird part is it is a bunch of unrelated things that came up at the same time! What opened the floodgates starting November 2007?

And why the hell didn't I feel these things before? I'm thirty seven dammit and I would
have appreciated dealing with this new stuff before now. I feel like I'm in emotional
puberty. The silly thing is most of what's going on is very peaceful. But my retarded
cynical behind can't enjoy this nice happy Disney movie. I've convinced myself it's going to end Tarantino style.

What's worse is... who cares? I don't need to figure everything out. I don't need to keep everyone at arms length. Trusting others does not undeniably lead to betrayal just because it happened once upon a time. I've lost my appetite and can't sleep. I can't continue this, I promise tomorrow to trust and embrace the ignorance. Some things are not meant to be figured out.

I officially commit to enjoy and not question this. Whatever 'it' is... it is what it is