I would have made a good Greek

The Greeks felt living with random, changing, seemingly inconsistent, undefined and unmeasured aspects of human life and the world, essentially the Greek word chaos, was equivalent to living in a state of constant anxiety.

Last night, I was telling someone I was very worried. I was describing that there was no rational reason for it, but there was this feeling in my gut of impending doom. A lot of negative things have happened around me the last 4 days, particularly the past 24 hours. Things not necessarily related to me, but things that I am aware of or nearby. Pan out to the past month and the horrific things happening with racism, sexism, and violence, I question the reasons why. In my own need to feel order, purpose and measure I search deep inside to answer that question "why". I was contemplating there was something very negative going on in the world that all of this is building up to. My own way in placing order to it all by replacing chaos with a pattern. I have this need to search for a "kosmos" in the way the Greeks had.

In relation to my own piece of this world, my gut is telling me something is problematic. I cannot get past this nagging feeling that there is something terribly wrong. Of course it's pretty egocentric to think that this chaos would zoom in and focus somehow on me, but for some reason, I can't shake the feeling.

My current, but soon to be past bf told me last night to avoid my "gut" feeling because the mind has the ability and power to turn those feelings into a self fulfilled prophecy.

I still feel the need for further analysis to make sense, good or bad of the world around me and my own human life. Even if I am able to grasp at a pattern of measure for the chaos, at the least, I will have made sense of it all.