Words and Sticks and Stones... Name calling broken down like bones

what are words for?

They are very powerful. We are taught to use them to enhance, emphasize, devalue or describe. But the real power is not in 'floral' additions to rhetoric, rather in how they are applied. They can cause irreperable harm when they are used to communicate emotional blows. Those are wounds that don't easily heal and the scars impossible to hide. I'm not perfect and in my lifetime I've duked it out with 'poopyheads' on the playground into Rated R rapid verbal assault. I'm not proud, but I've done my share of hitting below the belt from time to time. But I'm so sensitive, I'm not that good at blocking blows and I usually end up on the losing side of a fight. I got hit with a few recently and I didn't have any room on my heart for another scar. I decided to block this time and take pride in words that were delivered intending to bruise my self esteem. I'm going to show you how name-calling (provided you are aware of your self worth) can be softened and worn with pride. Some words I've encounterd that I've decided to re-apply:

Name calling- pain or pride, you decide:


volatile: Tending to violence; explosive
one that is volatile can often be passionate


whore: A person considered sexually promiscuous
one who is comfortable in her sexuality, ability to express closeness through the physical


compulsive: A person with behavior patterns governed by a compulsion rather than self control
one that acts rather than regrets. Impulse is equated with ingenuity


naive: Unsuspecting or credulous
optimistic


ideological: One who thinks too much
Of or concerned with ideas. The practice of seeking the coexistence of optimism and pragmatism


saturated: Unable to hold or contain more; over-full.
better than empty


altruistic: easily and often taken advantage of
unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness


Currently listening :
Rhyme & Reason
By Missing Persons
Release date: 21 November, 2000

Being approachable... a not so out of the norm strange encounter

March 20, 2006 - Monday


A strange encounter
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

The strangest thing happened to me today.

I decided to take myself out to lunch at the local Mexican restaurant and read a book. I was about 1/3 of the way through my scallop tostada when the lady at the next table approached me. She politely asked me if she could interrupt and ask me a question. I was certain it was about the book I was reading or about the waiter whom I had just finished a brief catch-me-up on this, my old favorite haunt.

Not that at all...

So she asks me as she sits down across from me about what Seattle is "like". Of course this is not the simple question I once suspected it would be. Turns out she's considering relocating from San Francisco. I discuss with her my best pro's and con's view of Seattle. She presses on and for some strange reason, I'm not even bothered that we've been sitting for almost a half an hour! I am not at all concerned that my lunch sits half eaten in front of me and I've ignored at least four calls and 3 email notifications. Not even saddened that my book went untouched (especially considering how rare these days I find the time), I'm actually really enjoying this conversation. Further, she tells me that there's this man that is a small part of her decision out here that she likes, but is not sure he feels the same.

Oddly enough many of her dilemmas have been discussed in recent blogs and I felt pretty comfortable with discussing the subject matter. As I inquired about small details, I even noticed some parallels in my own current state and told her of some of my recent epiphanies.

It was so bizarre because every now and then I became consious of what was going on: That I was giving advice and conversing with a stranger who sat at my table as if she was one of my closest friends. It was a little Twilight-Zone-ish. I would momentarily think "WEIRD, isn't this?- That I'm talking like this with a stranger" and immediately pop back to the conversation. I sort of felt like a professor on the first day of class. I relaxed enough to finish my Tostada as she answered this all important question I shot out: INSTEAD OF THINKING OF WHAT IS HERE FOR YOU, TELL ME WHAT YOU WOULD BE LEAVING BEHIND.

As the conversation progressed, I could see her GENUINE interest in what I was saying. I could see her engaged and fully considering my questions before she answered them. She admitted that she's at the age (about mine) where she wants to fall in love and start a family. She's got her master's degree and now she wants a family. It's funny though, as old as we get, we still can feel 17 when we are confused. She said her face has broken out from stress and she's been spacey and needy this week (staying with *the guy*) trying to make her decision (or make it feel right). We laughed about how she's displaying all the turn-offs of the "getting to know you" stage with a guy. They want us flawlessly beautiful for the attraction, intellectally stimulating, and not-a-needy-emo case. And I told her I'm no one to talk. I haven't exactly gotten it right.

Try to look at the positive side of him seeing you at your worst. At least you'll find out right off the bat if he's shallow! And take heart in the fact that it can only get better.

All in all, it was a peculiar, yet invigorating experience. The convo was no different than ones I've had a dozen times with close friends. She's confused, she's in limbo, about to make a change she's considered for the past year. She's infatuated, she's stressed, she's excited. I will always wonder what happened to her.

9:42 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Should I stay or Should I go? Knowing when to 'call the fight'

So I was thinking today about turning points. You know the moment in which something can go one way or another and you choose to make a change.

I read an excerpt of a book in Esquire back in High School that was quite intriguing. It was about a writer and an artist that cheat on their spouses together in this torrid affair in his studio. The thing that I've taken with me from this piece was the thing called "the hate click".

You see, they always want to talk about the moment you first fell in love like you clicked on a light switch. But what about the moment you realize that you can no longer stand the person you used to love. You find yourself hating the little things just as you found yourself loving them. You hate the way they comb their hair, you hate the way they eat their food, you hate the way they breathe!

But what about that moment in between? In all of my failed relationships, I can look back on a painful end to a relationship that probably had no chance of survival. I can see the clear moments when things started to change. It was certainly long before the relationship ended, but my idealism kept me from looking at the red flags. I ignored one thing because it was just one small thing. I let things add up until I was saturated and quite frankly admittedly was probably saturating the other person as well. Sometimes, there seems to be far too much baggage to end it, far to many people would be hurt, far too much invested and promised. We wait until we are too afraid to break someone's heart or throw away the time we've invested. We all can look back and say, man, if I had just ended it then when I first got that gut feeling something wasn't right......

I would have saved myself and others a world of hurt. So what are the warning signs? If you hear someone say early on that they can't stand kids and you really want them, why can't you just ask the person if you two can figure out a comprimise and discuss whether it's worth even wasting time. Wouldn't it be nice if we could tell the one we are dating that we need more attention like sweet observations about your choice of seafood, an occasional "you look pretty today" or "I really like how you told that driver off, that made me hot!" Why can't we tell the other person that they smother and stifle us, they scare us, they hurt us when they are curt. Why can't we say we think they might be the right one and see if they feel the same. If they don't feel the same, it's so much easier to know in the beginning, not the end. Instead of wondering if things will change and the communication or the sex will get better or we may see eye to eye politically someday, we could just ask the person and they could just tell us and we could make the decision to accept or back out. Why can't we be true to ourselves enough to ask honestly for what we need? it seems fair, doesn't it? Why do people freak out when you try to establish things up front so that you two can just have fun with each other (or get to steppin'). Why is this a pushy thing? Why can't we work out the details like a healthy business negotiation when it comes to love so that we can make a smarter decision. I sincerely think that more marriages would work out and there would be less unplanned pregnancies if we could just figure out the turning points and really get a chance to make an informed decision.

I don't ever want to be that person again that looks back and says "I wish I had left when I could because now I can't." or "I wasted so much of my life." I want to be the one that says "You and I were great, I'll always feel a special place for you. I want you to find a better fit for you so you can truly be happy and so can I."

As ever, the idealist...

Intellectal Intercourse/A Beautiful Mind

Have any of you heard of an "intellectual affair" or "intellectual intercourse"- or is it something I made up in my strange brain? I've spoken about this recently in some depth with someone close to me. I enjoyed the reaction of "oh yes, that explains this experience" more than I thought I would.

Let me just give the thoughts here:

1. You communicate with this person at a higher level than you do with your everyday communications, even your best friends and lovers.

2. As with a physical affair, you get excited at the thought of this person. But the difference is that you recall the person's voice and the thought of that person talking to you in itself gives you chills.

3. You feel compelled to ask this person questions that may incite a deep conversation.

4. You are in sync with this person in strange ways such as lines of thinking and things a simple as breathing in tandem.

5. Words and images exchanged pass through your mind, sometimes in shards that quicken your pulse, distract you, claim you.

6. You find yourself thinking about/wanting to talk to this person when you notice an unexpected detail, an interesting fact, or an amazing story.

7. You find yourself more creatively connected: writing, singing, dancing, etc. as if you have a muse.

8. You feel more sensual, you find yourself sexier than you were before even if you've never made love to this person.

9. Your desire for this person is much more intense than your basic steamy physical affair.

And the oddity of the whole thing is in it's power. These connections, unlike sex cannot ever be casual. Ask yourself (if you absolutely had to choose) whether you'd rather have your spouse cheat on you with body but no emotional or attachment of the mind or cheat on you in the style I've jusst outlined?


-Nichole P Leigh

A spin on the Pre-Nup

I used this about 11 years ago, it was pretty funny. I hope some of you can make use of it ;)

P R E - R E L A T I O N S H I P A G R E E M E N T

The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her) being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him)

1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further each party agrees to make known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first "fix-up" both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the "first date" either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be accelerated; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".

5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between the two parties during the working day, and each party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate 50f the phone calls. Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabulary. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their normal personalities .

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross income aside - "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:

(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
(b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".

Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".)

8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless (and forget it happened) in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married." Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other party's right not to meet his parents.

9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word. . . "Gone."

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:

(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
(b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do that same thing";
(c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other member should seek "help";
(d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are..."; and
(e) complaining more than twice about the contents of the other party's refrigerator (or lack thereof).

11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases:

(a) "You'll never find anybody better";
(b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
(c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; and
(d) "My analyst thinks you are . . ." (Psychosis to be filled in at the proper time.)

12. MISCELLANEOUS:

(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes' notice before terminating said relationship;
(b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appears to be "on the rocks";
(c) at the termination of said affair:

(1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediary;
(2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends;
(3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:

"The timing wasn't right";
"He/She wanted more than I could give";
"He/She was too involved in his/her career";
"He/She decided to go back with/to his/her

(a) girl/boyfriend;
(b) last lover;
(c) hometown;
(d) therapist".

13. ADDENDUM I: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both parties agree to give the relationship "one (1) more shot".

14. ADDENDUM II: Appearance- Each party agrees to keep up his/her appearance in good faith and will look into "doing something about it" for gaining more than 8 lbs in any calendar year.

A softer side of me

As a philosopher, I've become quite intimate with skepticism. For the most part, I've taken a real hard-line approach on all matters including those of the heart. I have been passionately anti-marriage, anti-devotion, and cynical.

My education has become my emotional guide, but I have realized recently that experience has been the most powerful force above any intellectual matter. For so long, my own personal experinces had been so counter-productive to realistic relationship understandings. I've been watching a close friend through a rough break-up and entering the dating scene after 15 years. Since I've seen her marriage fall apart and this woman who was so devoted and "family" oriented become so cynical, it reminds me of who I used to be. I can't understand why seeing cynicism is causing my (what I thought was deep rooted) opinions and attitudes to change. She tells me that being cynical comes from her surroundings. It dawns on me that my own skepticism comes from watching the deepest betrayal of how I was raised unfold into my own life and relationships.

There have been a couple of serious traumatic things happen to people I am very close to in the past week and I wanted to vocalize that as of today, I have a new appreciation for life and relating with those I love. I don't want what I wanted. I don't need what I needed. I don't think I will ever say "never" again. The things I swore were for the ridiculously innocent are just things I don't understand because I've never had them. It's all new and wonderful and it's called life. For my family, friends, and those who love me; I'm ready to ride the roller coaster now, bring it on!

My idealistic (or maybe you might call it sophomoric) view on love

There's a subject that I've explored to a great extent the past few weeks.

"What makes two people more connected than others?"

I know from my own experience and watching my friends explore life, lovers and friendships that there are two kinds of relationships. The first is a lover or a friend on an outer level. I'll explore the idea of a lover mainly, but this concept is applicable towards all relationships incuding friendships, colleagues, family, and so on. In the outer level, you may experience chemistry, sexual attraction and compatibility, admiration, fondness, and many other below the surface feelings for this person. You may even experience deeper feelings of love and deep endearment. You may even develop intense passion and selflessness where this person is concerned. I believe this to be the case for easily 80 percent of relationships.

But what about that deeper level, the "soul mate" I know, it sounds so cliche' but for lack of a better term, I'll call it that. By a soul mate, I mean two people that have the things on the outer level, but something more. These people can start off finding a deep connection with each other in several levels. One of the most poignant or obvious way is deep cultural similarities OR (please note the "or" here) understangings. Similar thought process and intellectual compatibility. Comparable passions such as art, sports, music, reading, politics etc. and a balance between depth and chemistry in the interactions of the two. The two of you are not neccesarily carbon copies, but rather like minded. You both have taken the time to accept that the two of you are dynamic in thought, belief and choice, but the higher level of communication is always static. Your soulmate is balanced and reflective of yourself. A soulmate will notice the tiny similarities in the other, and relish the differences. A soulmate will never grow to resent these differences, but by contrast will admire and respect them because he/she took the time to really know you and accepts you for who you are. A soulmate grows with his/her partner never growing apart, even if on different paths.

A friend recently asked me how many people I thought were "out there" for you? My response was two, not necessarily two people but two possibilities of "types" of loves. Analogously, imagine a puzzle or a tailored suit. Certainly we can find an adeqaute off the rack sport coat in a generic size. But it's not you. It's functional, but you'd happily trade it in for a better one. You might make two pieces of a puzzle fit but if you haven't taken the time to see if it's the right fit, or just a temporarily 'i got one!' fit they aren't meant to be together. They will have to be taken apart eventually to truly complete the puzzle. Apply the imagery to our personalities and heart & soul... one can consider oneself molded with two people. If we imagine every person lined up across puzzle that is life. That person would find themselves back to back with a sufficient match and face to face with a perfect match. The person you are back to back with will fit your criteria as the basic compatible mate, but the one face to face has the elemental success of deep compatibility and understanding. Settling for a fit that doesn't allow the two of you to see eye to eye is a sad and tragic thing. I've tried to learn that not everything is meant for me. I am grateful for those that enhance my life. But for me, I'm looking for that person that will know me inside and out. What every gesture means, and loves my passion's penulum highs enough to accpet it's lows. Someone willing to teach and learn by my side. Just a companion. One who 'gets' me. And in reciprocity I'll do the same till the day I die.

Please feel free to comment and share your thoughts and objections.

Currently listening :
Workin' Together
By Ike and Tina Turner
Release date: 22 May, 2001