Awareness of the confusion

Awareness

Somewhere along the way I've confused myself.

I know I've been away from reading my dear myspace bloggers and I've undoubtedly been away from writing. I'm sorry. I'm in a very interesting, exciting, and confusing state.

It seems that I am walking through the world in an odd state lately. I feel as though I'm passing through my life lately in a drug-induced numbness without the drugs. I have never felt more sure of who I was and what I wanted. I've never been more secure with myself. But being in this state is far from bliss. It is reality and self-love. It is not glamourous, and far from romantic. Don't get me wrong, this feeling I have is so amazing and powerful! But it is exclusive to myself at the time being. I still have issues with others. Just no longer ignoring issues within myself. I'm having a hard time figuring out how others can fit into my shcematic. Do I even want to fit them in? Like it or not, I know I do.

Can I have room to really love someone else when I have so recently discovered so much self love? Is this the highest form of consciousness? The part where we no longer need others? We no longer WANT others? Please someone tell me the answer.

My last relationship ended, thankly. It was so wrong and unchallenging. I could only bring life into it by partaking in the battles he put infront of me. I mistook the idea of love for being in love. It just didn't work. He told me over and over how aware he was that I was not in love with him. Why did it take so long for me to see?

Men.... oh I looooove MEN!

Men
oooh, men. I love them so.
ladies... u can add 2 the list too loves...

1. one with a voice like Chamillionaire, soft, not too deep with that bass that comes thru every now & then. I like them articulate and even better, a man that pauses to make sure he says it right. A sure way to grab my attention
2. Hip and put-together... but not metro. He puts on lotion after he gets out of the shower so he's nice and smoothe for me later that night
3. a fiery sense of humor. keeps me laughing, entertain my friends, witty bantor back & forth on txt or after a session between the sheets
4. clean cut :: no shaggy / no scooby...
5. that natural smell of a man. the one that stays on his sheets. when i bury my face in them i have to hold my breath so I don't loose it
6. i love his thighs the way he loves the curve of my back.
7. uses terms of endearment like baby, honey, lover, kid, boo...
8. taller than me so i feel like i'm wrapped up in him, but not too tall cuz we have to be able to fit in a bubble bath together
9. confident stride but always soft when he's holding me
10. has a body he takes care of, sexy and athletic
11. compliments my hair or dress in public, but in my ear he whispers "i like the matching set baby, did u go to vicky's for me?"
12. does what he does best just for me, like musicians that play my favorite jazz cut for me over the phone... "baby could you hear that? did u like that?" or a fixit guy that shows me how to fix the surround sound that wasn't done right.
13. men that cook anything from top chef to mean greens . I don't mind if Ramen is his only dish, just as long as he pulled it off just for me
14. a man that dances. dances like he's got something he's gonna show me later
15. doesn't get jealous when i say i love manolo blahnik
16. men that can make out, eat out, and turn out
17. when i see him on the street, he comes up to me, says my name, touches the ends of my hair and kisses me in front of my friends...
18. passionate about politics, mentoring, and intelligence because men are strong when they are soft. But never without an open mind.
19. respects women because his momma raised him right.
20. hands that don't let me take control.
21. Knows that I'm a real woman with a little girl side from time to time
22. loves my body even though it's not just like Pamela's or Miss December's
23. starts the foreplay as soon as the appetizers come
24. men with nice breath even after drinking scotch
25. men that can kiss, suck and bite on my neck without leaving a trace
26. nice ass with jeans that sit just above the curve showing an inch or two of those boxers, always with a belt. pressed is even better...
27. One that can get by in any setting and never whines or sulks
28. He can talk dirty to me in all the right ways

Comments:

i love it... i'm adding two more...
29. can give me a look from across the room, a sexual look, letting me know it's going to be on when we get home... or even in the car...
30. men that make sure they walk on the curb side of the sidewalk; always a turn on for me to know that he's a gentleman
Posted by Love is not an Action...It's an Ability on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 6:55 PM

horny old women ;P
Posted by *JoE sez: stop savin my pics to your harddrive ;P on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 7:17 PM

OH, you love it and you know it!
Read it like a manual baby, and you'll make any woman....love you! ;)
Posted by Claire on July 3, 2007 - Tuesday at 12:27 PM

Trust me already one of my specialties ;P
Posted by *JoE sez: stop savin my pics to your harddrive ;P on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 2:40 PM

what? and horny ol me!! what are YOU talkin bout?>??????
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 10:19 PM

Ohhh don't get me started ...
30. Texts me so sensual all day long that I can't wait to be all over him when I get in.
31. Comes up behind me and whispers in my ear when I least expect it.
32. Cleans up soo well ...
33. Finishes off my lyrics ...
34. Knows how I like my coffee in the morning.
Posted by Cocoalove (Flexwriter) on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 11:42 PM

Nice.....
How about...men who makes you feel like you're Number 1, anticipate your needs, like you're the queen, so you make him your king....
Another great blog.
Posted by Bunny on July 3, 2007 - Tuesday at 12:27 AM

oh yes, that feeling...baby you know that should have been my #1 on the list!
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on July 3, 2007 - Tuesday at 3:24 AM

Haha! Here's one... A man thats misleading... In a GOOD way. You meet him and he comes off as a sweet heart, a saint, couldn't hurt a fly... And he is all of that.... Until he gets in you bed and gives it to you in a way that haunts you.
a way that when you are focused at work, at your desk; you get a flash back that sends shivers up and down and you can't help but go BRRRRR.. mmm hmm!
Intense an gentle at the same time.... Mentally, spiritually, oh and physically.
Posted by Tanyeezy on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 7:44 PM
Gotta be secure. Doesn't give afuck about what THEY think about him. THEY being those unfortunate to never understand a real understanding. Ladies, if and when you find a man that you can say what you feel to him whether alone or around his peoples, a man that you can stand in front of in any angle butt naked with all the lights on despite YOUR insecurities and know by the way he looks at you that he KNOWS not thinks you are beautiful, a man that fantazises about you after he's had you countless times..... I'm just sayin...
Posted by Tanyeezy on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 8:29 PM

OOOhhh, LADIES feel me on this...a man that's man enough to cry with ya and STILL be HOOD enough to step up to any man and say "SHE'S WIT ME PLAYA, SO STEP BACK HOMIE!"
A man that fit's the curve of your frame so well, it scares you, as if the two of you are Adam and Eve reincarnated!
A man that knows that if he touches you there that half his job is done and it's only matter of saying when..."WHEN BABY!!!"
Posted by MeAnge on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 7:57 PM

Just because you are a "Samantha, doesn't mean you are a "pimp"

Yesterday, I was called a "pimp"
Not sure if that was meant as a good or bad thing. I'm enjoying being single right now. Don't get me wrong, I love being in love as much as the next gal. I just don't want to rush it. I really feel comfortable with myself and I don't LONG for it. Don't need it. Would want it someday again, but I want it to feel right this time so I'm going to take my sweet time.
"I'm known to walk alone...But I'm alone for a reason" Beyonce, Upgrade U
If he's out there, we'll find each other. But he's just going to have to build the friendship first. It's not that I'm difficult or high maintenance- I'm about as far from that as they come (so I've been told). It's just that I've fallen for men before just for the physical and I've learned it alone doesn't make things last. I've stayed out of that mess by my own choice long enough to see that the two are separate things, but one without the other is nothing.
"Cause um... the sex was good you had my mind and I, I let you come back every time" Mary J Blige Enough Cryin'
I realize it's an integral componant to *love* ... making love ... but sex and making love are two different things. I don't make love to just anybody. I have to be in love, or at least in something. I've mistaken sex for love so many times. I certainly was no Charlotte looking for a husband. But damn, just cuz I was raised a good little Catholic girl, I don't have to love every man I touch.
I'm going to be allright all by myself unless I find this:
"Girl it's only U..have it your way. And if U want U can decide, and if you'll have me. I can provide everything that U desire. Said if U get a feeling...Feeling that I am feeling. Won't U come closer 2 me baby, you've already got me right where U want me baby. I just wanna be your man"D'Angelo How Does It Feel
Sooooo... I really have only one thing to say to anyone who thinks that a woman dating casually and not jumping head first into a relationship with the first guy that comes along (if I'm a pimp and that's a bad thing...):
"Love me or hate me it's still an obsession. If you love me then, thank-you. If you hate me then...F**K YOU!" Lady Sovereign... Love Me Or Hate Me
So I'm single for a reason. I waited a minute before I started jumping into this game so I knew I was in the right place. Because I never wanted to be vacant. How can I love if there's nothing left to give?
"Now how can he have her heart when it got stole?" Amy Winehouse He Can Only Hold Her

What friends will tell you that family can't

like...WHOA!
An interesting convo with my best friend this evening....
Funny how friends can be the island we need to stand on from time to time when our arms are sore from the dog paddle keeing afloat. More than family at times. Only because family hurts for you too much and sometimes cannot get past the expectations...
I have decided not to apologize for my choices.
My best friend understands.
She tells me what I want when I'm too scared to admit it to myself. Why have I talked about you for months. I want but can't have. You have been on my mind for more than a year. He's always been there, my whole life...he's never the same person but it's always the same story, too young, too old, too far away, too taken. Why am I such a dreamer? Why not want what's right in front of me? "But baby, you do want him, he's here and you want him. You need to just stop being so cool with youself and try to be cool with another." But won't that be a disaster? I'm certain it couldn't be that simple.. Just learn to work as a team, you can't always be the professor.
But who the hell knows? Not me. I'm letting some of my protective force fields down little by little. At the moment, I'm not ready to bungee jump or swim in the dark water yet. I'm just riding the kiddie roller coaster and that's good enough for me, for now.

What a road trip will tell you

After driving 11 out of the last 24 hours, no phone, sometimes nothing on the radio, just me myself and I... I cleared a lot of what's been on my mind.
1. I don't have to assist someone in redeeming themself if I don't want to. Sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. I'm not Mother Theresa and call me cold, but when you make your choice~ life doesn't give you take backs.
2. I miss Barry White. I know, *what a chick thing to say... Proof in point that the Italians have it right when they say "Romance before victory"... if a man can look like Barry but if he knows romance, he'll still make every woman melt. He can even outshine that guy with everthing on the outside, but nothing he's willing to give. Thanks to Quincy Jones, putting together a ballad of sappy serenade: These sexy voiced men can tell me what real life men haven't said: I know a melody that we could sing together. I've got the secret key to you, baby. Let's make music. Harmonizin' ecstasy...Here in the garden. Where temptation feels so right...Your secret garden,
3. People can live without love, but not a lover. Or was it: Live without a lover but not love. No, I really think it's the first one. Actually, it's probably true that we need both.
4. Oooh, an even better Barry White paraphrase of my current thoughts: "it's just you and me, So many things I can do to you, And so many ways I can please, Hey, hey, hey, it's your move, Why don't you start turning down the lights, And show me what just you can do, hey, baby
'Cause you keep tellin' me this and tellin' me that, You say once I'm with you, I'll never go back, I know there's a lesson that you wanna teach, Here I am, baby, practice what you preach
5. Why does my head start to spin when I hear folks griping about little things in their relationships? I mean.. if you are so unhappy that the mere way he breathes bothers you, maybe you aren't in love! Love it or leave it baby. You only have one life to live. Don't let your fears of being alone or having to look for new love or any other fear hold you back from true happiness. Want it all and have it all.
6. I'll never go a week again without a manicure. It's not vanity at all. Really, it's just self care. It's no different than eating right and exercising. I show myself and the world I care about myself.

Ten truths about my week in LA

Ten truths this week...
1. Working out in hotel gyms is awkward. They always seem to put them right by the front desk so you're on display like a fish. But you gotta do what you gotta do.
2. I made a virtual friendship official yesterday (or I should say WE) made it official over coffee & pomegranite juice.
3. I've found my loft and I love it, but I'm having second thoughts about moving here
4. I've had a surprising amount of sexual dreams and thoughts lately. Probably because I'm not getting it on lately :(
5. I can't seem to watch CNN without crying these days.
6. I've always known I'm pretty much fearless, but the past few months were ridden with fearsI was forced to face and I think I needed that. It has catapulted me out of stagnition into new heights of positive risk taking.
7. I love it when I see a man at the grocery store buying his lady flowers. Have men forgotten how important that little gesture is -even when you don't screw up, even when she didn't rock your world the night before... just "because"
8. It's amazing how a conversation is so energetic and exhilerating when the astrology is matched up well (yes, I'm starting to really buy into that!)
9. Although Washington is very progressive, it still pisses me off sometimes. I bought a gallon of Stoli at the grocery store that was on sale for $24 (for those who don't know, WA state has tight liquor regs and taxes so you can't get it for under $40)
10. I think leaving Seattle right now would be a mistake. But it took coming here to get the move logistics in place to figure that out. I'm not too proud to admit I was wrong.

Moving On...(Part I)

I've been going through some old journals and I found this unfinished piece I wrote back in 2000. It seemed quite appropriate at the moment. Let me know whatcha think.....

They said it would be stormy today so I suppose that explains my mood. It's almost as though my body is muggy on the inside. It's the kind of day that had me wanting to stand out in the middle of the street with the rain pouring down all around me. As if I needed to be cleansed or something. I'm not sure why this happens, but typically when I have an epiphany I feel dirty. I guess it's not a bad thing. Probably just like the sweat you get from a good workout. My dumb luck, it didn't rain. It was just plain hot. Balmy and hot. Any other day, I'd curse the rain. But it's just another damn Indian summer day. Likely it'll be another week of this. I took a shower instead but I just couldn't seem to feel clean.

Slipped into bed with freshly laundered sheets. Everything seems to be unsullied, but my mind was not pure. As long as he lives there in my thoughts there is a certain stain that remains adulterated. How can it be that intimate moments right here in this bed I relished like grandma's sweet rhubarb pie now felt like errors in the recipe? Is it forever my style to fall so brutally out of love the same way I fell so soflty into it? My passion that pulls us together now deflects access to my heart.

Ah, love is simply blind. At some point I suppose I'll regain my focus and realize I just needed a new prescription for those trusty rose colored spectacles.

This week's top ten facts

1. Some things are better left unsaid
2. Lyrics speak volumes for me when I don't know how to make it concise
3. I love my friends enough to know that they'll stick around when I'm gone
4. My choices the last few weeks have been the hardest, but I'm on the fence about whether they are the smartest
5. I hate my painting I did a few weeks ago but everyone else loves it (lots of anger and work with a palate knife)
6. I can't always see it, a lot of doors close and stubborn people like me sit outside and freeze rather than admit they picked the wrong one and try again.
7. California Love is the song of the month. It was released the last time I moved to LA.
8. Can't stop a rollin' stone
9. I am not applying myself the way I used to
10. I'm undecided, blonde or brunette? Give me your vote...

I would have made a good Greek

The Greeks felt living with random, changing, seemingly inconsistent, undefined and unmeasured aspects of human life and the world, essentially the Greek word chaos, was equivalent to living in a state of constant anxiety.

Last night, I was telling someone I was very worried. I was describing that there was no rational reason for it, but there was this feeling in my gut of impending doom. A lot of negative things have happened around me the last 4 days, particularly the past 24 hours. Things not necessarily related to me, but things that I am aware of or nearby. Pan out to the past month and the horrific things happening with racism, sexism, and violence, I question the reasons why. In my own need to feel order, purpose and measure I search deep inside to answer that question "why". I was contemplating there was something very negative going on in the world that all of this is building up to. My own way in placing order to it all by replacing chaos with a pattern. I have this need to search for a "kosmos" in the way the Greeks had.

In relation to my own piece of this world, my gut is telling me something is problematic. I cannot get past this nagging feeling that there is something terribly wrong. Of course it's pretty egocentric to think that this chaos would zoom in and focus somehow on me, but for some reason, I can't shake the feeling.

My current, but soon to be past bf told me last night to avoid my "gut" feeling because the mind has the ability and power to turn those feelings into a self fulfilled prophecy.

I still feel the need for further analysis to make sense, good or bad of the world around me and my own human life. Even if I am able to grasp at a pattern of measure for the chaos, at the least, I will have made sense of it all.

In light of recent goings on in the media

I really respect Tupac Shakur aka 2Pac if you didn't know.:: gone for over a decade and the man's words still apply to things going on today.
a man in the midst of the gangsta and ghetto mentality, trying to make a change for not just his own people, but all of us.

I'm offended. I'm a woman for one. Secondly, I've struggled and overcome poverty and hardship to put myself through college. I can't see the reason to judge someone for the color of their skin, nap of their hair, or whatever genetilia the fathering sperm of a child decided for him/her to develop into.

I also understand that as long as people are contributing to the image; ex: rappers degrading their own people, and worse, their sisters, mothers and daughters, we will never be free from bigotry. People that are bigots think they can say anything racist or sexist they like and use the excuse "but their own people did it first in rap music" to hide behind others so noone will see the shame of their actions.

As Tupac cites, we have to ask a people, not as minorities, women, or otherwise non-alpha folks build strength within ourselves by saying enough is enough. I won't participate. I won't accept.

Read these lyrics and think about the message. Apply it to yourself in your daily interactions. Nothing changes if we all stay the same, so I urge each one of us to put forth the effort. And if some of you still think rap is degrading or meaningless, you're hopelessly lost in the world of generalizing.