Awareness of the confusion

Awareness

Somewhere along the way I've confused myself.

I know I've been away from reading my dear myspace bloggers and I've undoubtedly been away from writing. I'm sorry. I'm in a very interesting, exciting, and confusing state.

It seems that I am walking through the world in an odd state lately. I feel as though I'm passing through my life lately in a drug-induced numbness without the drugs. I have never felt more sure of who I was and what I wanted. I've never been more secure with myself. But being in this state is far from bliss. It is reality and self-love. It is not glamourous, and far from romantic. Don't get me wrong, this feeling I have is so amazing and powerful! But it is exclusive to myself at the time being. I still have issues with others. Just no longer ignoring issues within myself. I'm having a hard time figuring out how others can fit into my shcematic. Do I even want to fit them in? Like it or not, I know I do.

Can I have room to really love someone else when I have so recently discovered so much self love? Is this the highest form of consciousness? The part where we no longer need others? We no longer WANT others? Please someone tell me the answer.

My last relationship ended, thankly. It was so wrong and unchallenging. I could only bring life into it by partaking in the battles he put infront of me. I mistook the idea of love for being in love. It just didn't work. He told me over and over how aware he was that I was not in love with him. Why did it take so long for me to see?