Just because you are a "Samantha, doesn't mean you are a "pimp"

Yesterday, I was called a "pimp"
Not sure if that was meant as a good or bad thing. I'm enjoying being single right now. Don't get me wrong, I love being in love as much as the next gal. I just don't want to rush it. I really feel comfortable with myself and I don't LONG for it. Don't need it. Would want it someday again, but I want it to feel right this time so I'm going to take my sweet time.
"I'm known to walk alone...But I'm alone for a reason" Beyonce, Upgrade U
If he's out there, we'll find each other. But he's just going to have to build the friendship first. It's not that I'm difficult or high maintenance- I'm about as far from that as they come (so I've been told). It's just that I've fallen for men before just for the physical and I've learned it alone doesn't make things last. I've stayed out of that mess by my own choice long enough to see that the two are separate things, but one without the other is nothing.
"Cause um... the sex was good you had my mind and I, I let you come back every time" Mary J Blige Enough Cryin'
I realize it's an integral componant to *love* ... making love ... but sex and making love are two different things. I don't make love to just anybody. I have to be in love, or at least in something. I've mistaken sex for love so many times. I certainly was no Charlotte looking for a husband. But damn, just cuz I was raised a good little Catholic girl, I don't have to love every man I touch.
I'm going to be allright all by myself unless I find this:
"Girl it's only U..have it your way. And if U want U can decide, and if you'll have me. I can provide everything that U desire. Said if U get a feeling...Feeling that I am feeling. Won't U come closer 2 me baby, you've already got me right where U want me baby. I just wanna be your man"D'Angelo How Does It Feel
Sooooo... I really have only one thing to say to anyone who thinks that a woman dating casually and not jumping head first into a relationship with the first guy that comes along (if I'm a pimp and that's a bad thing...):
"Love me or hate me it's still an obsession. If you love me then, thank-you. If you hate me then...F**K YOU!" Lady Sovereign... Love Me Or Hate Me
So I'm single for a reason. I waited a minute before I started jumping into this game so I knew I was in the right place. Because I never wanted to be vacant. How can I love if there's nothing left to give?
"Now how can he have her heart when it got stole?" Amy Winehouse He Can Only Hold Her

What friends will tell you that family can't

like...WHOA!
An interesting convo with my best friend this evening....
Funny how friends can be the island we need to stand on from time to time when our arms are sore from the dog paddle keeing afloat. More than family at times. Only because family hurts for you too much and sometimes cannot get past the expectations...
I have decided not to apologize for my choices.
My best friend understands.
She tells me what I want when I'm too scared to admit it to myself. Why have I talked about you for months. I want but can't have. You have been on my mind for more than a year. He's always been there, my whole life...he's never the same person but it's always the same story, too young, too old, too far away, too taken. Why am I such a dreamer? Why not want what's right in front of me? "But baby, you do want him, he's here and you want him. You need to just stop being so cool with youself and try to be cool with another." But won't that be a disaster? I'm certain it couldn't be that simple.. Just learn to work as a team, you can't always be the professor.
But who the hell knows? Not me. I'm letting some of my protective force fields down little by little. At the moment, I'm not ready to bungee jump or swim in the dark water yet. I'm just riding the kiddie roller coaster and that's good enough for me, for now.

What a road trip will tell you

After driving 11 out of the last 24 hours, no phone, sometimes nothing on the radio, just me myself and I... I cleared a lot of what's been on my mind.
1. I don't have to assist someone in redeeming themself if I don't want to. Sometimes it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. I'm not Mother Theresa and call me cold, but when you make your choice~ life doesn't give you take backs.
2. I miss Barry White. I know, *what a chick thing to say... Proof in point that the Italians have it right when they say "Romance before victory"... if a man can look like Barry but if he knows romance, he'll still make every woman melt. He can even outshine that guy with everthing on the outside, but nothing he's willing to give. Thanks to Quincy Jones, putting together a ballad of sappy serenade: These sexy voiced men can tell me what real life men haven't said: I know a melody that we could sing together. I've got the secret key to you, baby. Let's make music. Harmonizin' ecstasy...Here in the garden. Where temptation feels so right...Your secret garden,
3. People can live without love, but not a lover. Or was it: Live without a lover but not love. No, I really think it's the first one. Actually, it's probably true that we need both.
4. Oooh, an even better Barry White paraphrase of my current thoughts: "it's just you and me, So many things I can do to you, And so many ways I can please, Hey, hey, hey, it's your move, Why don't you start turning down the lights, And show me what just you can do, hey, baby
'Cause you keep tellin' me this and tellin' me that, You say once I'm with you, I'll never go back, I know there's a lesson that you wanna teach, Here I am, baby, practice what you preach
5. Why does my head start to spin when I hear folks griping about little things in their relationships? I mean.. if you are so unhappy that the mere way he breathes bothers you, maybe you aren't in love! Love it or leave it baby. You only have one life to live. Don't let your fears of being alone or having to look for new love or any other fear hold you back from true happiness. Want it all and have it all.
6. I'll never go a week again without a manicure. It's not vanity at all. Really, it's just self care. It's no different than eating right and exercising. I show myself and the world I care about myself.

Ten truths about my week in LA

Ten truths this week...
1. Working out in hotel gyms is awkward. They always seem to put them right by the front desk so you're on display like a fish. But you gotta do what you gotta do.
2. I made a virtual friendship official yesterday (or I should say WE) made it official over coffee & pomegranite juice.
3. I've found my loft and I love it, but I'm having second thoughts about moving here
4. I've had a surprising amount of sexual dreams and thoughts lately. Probably because I'm not getting it on lately :(
5. I can't seem to watch CNN without crying these days.
6. I've always known I'm pretty much fearless, but the past few months were ridden with fearsI was forced to face and I think I needed that. It has catapulted me out of stagnition into new heights of positive risk taking.
7. I love it when I see a man at the grocery store buying his lady flowers. Have men forgotten how important that little gesture is -even when you don't screw up, even when she didn't rock your world the night before... just "because"
8. It's amazing how a conversation is so energetic and exhilerating when the astrology is matched up well (yes, I'm starting to really buy into that!)
9. Although Washington is very progressive, it still pisses me off sometimes. I bought a gallon of Stoli at the grocery store that was on sale for $24 (for those who don't know, WA state has tight liquor regs and taxes so you can't get it for under $40)
10. I think leaving Seattle right now would be a mistake. But it took coming here to get the move logistics in place to figure that out. I'm not too proud to admit I was wrong.

Moving On...(Part I)

I've been going through some old journals and I found this unfinished piece I wrote back in 2000. It seemed quite appropriate at the moment. Let me know whatcha think.....

They said it would be stormy today so I suppose that explains my mood. It's almost as though my body is muggy on the inside. It's the kind of day that had me wanting to stand out in the middle of the street with the rain pouring down all around me. As if I needed to be cleansed or something. I'm not sure why this happens, but typically when I have an epiphany I feel dirty. I guess it's not a bad thing. Probably just like the sweat you get from a good workout. My dumb luck, it didn't rain. It was just plain hot. Balmy and hot. Any other day, I'd curse the rain. But it's just another damn Indian summer day. Likely it'll be another week of this. I took a shower instead but I just couldn't seem to feel clean.

Slipped into bed with freshly laundered sheets. Everything seems to be unsullied, but my mind was not pure. As long as he lives there in my thoughts there is a certain stain that remains adulterated. How can it be that intimate moments right here in this bed I relished like grandma's sweet rhubarb pie now felt like errors in the recipe? Is it forever my style to fall so brutally out of love the same way I fell so soflty into it? My passion that pulls us together now deflects access to my heart.

Ah, love is simply blind. At some point I suppose I'll regain my focus and realize I just needed a new prescription for those trusty rose colored spectacles.

This week's top ten facts

1. Some things are better left unsaid
2. Lyrics speak volumes for me when I don't know how to make it concise
3. I love my friends enough to know that they'll stick around when I'm gone
4. My choices the last few weeks have been the hardest, but I'm on the fence about whether they are the smartest
5. I hate my painting I did a few weeks ago but everyone else loves it (lots of anger and work with a palate knife)
6. I can't always see it, a lot of doors close and stubborn people like me sit outside and freeze rather than admit they picked the wrong one and try again.
7. California Love is the song of the month. It was released the last time I moved to LA.
8. Can't stop a rollin' stone
9. I am not applying myself the way I used to
10. I'm undecided, blonde or brunette? Give me your vote...

I would have made a good Greek

The Greeks felt living with random, changing, seemingly inconsistent, undefined and unmeasured aspects of human life and the world, essentially the Greek word chaos, was equivalent to living in a state of constant anxiety.

Last night, I was telling someone I was very worried. I was describing that there was no rational reason for it, but there was this feeling in my gut of impending doom. A lot of negative things have happened around me the last 4 days, particularly the past 24 hours. Things not necessarily related to me, but things that I am aware of or nearby. Pan out to the past month and the horrific things happening with racism, sexism, and violence, I question the reasons why. In my own need to feel order, purpose and measure I search deep inside to answer that question "why". I was contemplating there was something very negative going on in the world that all of this is building up to. My own way in placing order to it all by replacing chaos with a pattern. I have this need to search for a "kosmos" in the way the Greeks had.

In relation to my own piece of this world, my gut is telling me something is problematic. I cannot get past this nagging feeling that there is something terribly wrong. Of course it's pretty egocentric to think that this chaos would zoom in and focus somehow on me, but for some reason, I can't shake the feeling.

My current, but soon to be past bf told me last night to avoid my "gut" feeling because the mind has the ability and power to turn those feelings into a self fulfilled prophecy.

I still feel the need for further analysis to make sense, good or bad of the world around me and my own human life. Even if I am able to grasp at a pattern of measure for the chaos, at the least, I will have made sense of it all.

In light of recent goings on in the media

I really respect Tupac Shakur aka 2Pac if you didn't know.:: gone for over a decade and the man's words still apply to things going on today.
a man in the midst of the gangsta and ghetto mentality, trying to make a change for not just his own people, but all of us.

I'm offended. I'm a woman for one. Secondly, I've struggled and overcome poverty and hardship to put myself through college. I can't see the reason to judge someone for the color of their skin, nap of their hair, or whatever genetilia the fathering sperm of a child decided for him/her to develop into.

I also understand that as long as people are contributing to the image; ex: rappers degrading their own people, and worse, their sisters, mothers and daughters, we will never be free from bigotry. People that are bigots think they can say anything racist or sexist they like and use the excuse "but their own people did it first in rap music" to hide behind others so noone will see the shame of their actions.

As Tupac cites, we have to ask a people, not as minorities, women, or otherwise non-alpha folks build strength within ourselves by saying enough is enough. I won't participate. I won't accept.

Read these lyrics and think about the message. Apply it to yourself in your daily interactions. Nothing changes if we all stay the same, so I urge each one of us to put forth the effort. And if some of you still think rap is degrading or meaningless, you're hopelessly lost in the world of generalizing.

Pollyanna isn't so bad

Today is a very happy day for me. Yesterday was a bit overwhelming, but through the course of it I was able to see something about myself I was completely unaware of and set some goals for myself:
~My feelings are always valid, but the way I treat others as a result of those feelings isn't always valid.
~Seeking the positive in every situation no matter how grave it appears is my new goal for the way I walk through this life.
~Fear is like a parasite, if it gets in, it can take over a healthy being and turn it into a mess. I don't want to let my fears control me and turn me into a negative person.
I still love the people I love. I hope you all are interested in walking beside me in my path to become a better person. It may not always be a smoothe one, but I'm on my way nonetheless.
UPDATE********Holy cow! I went out to lunch today with a friend after posting this blog and here's what my fortune says:
"You will be transforming a situation in your life now with a positive attitude"
Wow, I'm speechless.

My five year plan

I've often wondered what the point of making a five year plan is? Really, there are so many variables that one can never account for. So many people that we need to factor in or out of our plan that refuse to give any indiaction of whether you fit into THEIR five year plan. So many opinionated bosses and co-workers that "are never going to change" or obnoxious neighbors, etc. So how can we bank on anything outside of ourselves.

I was asked today where I want to be in five years. I know exactly where I want to be, with whom and doing what. The problem is, I can't divulge that information because I have no idea if it will pan out or not so I have tho keep it all hypotheical and proverbial. I end up perpetuating the pattern that blocks the ironing out of my plan. I'll admit, I'm affraid to be the first to publish my plan. I wish I had the cahones of Rosa Parks and MLK, but I'm just another chicken-sh*t afraid to make the first move in the name of change. Although you all think I'm an open book, the river that is Nichole runs deep and even those closest to me don't really know what I want. I like it better that way, because what I want and what I'll get may be two different things and I'd rather not have egg on my face.