Ken had legs that snap off just like Barbie

I have not written here in years.  Nonetheless, today I am here.

I discovered something recently.

Love. I think I get it finally.  I realized it when I was complaining to my mom about something annoying about my boyfriend.  I knew of course the act of complaining was no different for many as an act of contrition, a cathartic process so to speak.  My beef was just a minor annoyance, not at all anything I can even recall.  Yet, it felt good to let out the vomit that was my irritation. Like the bile you need to rid yourself of.

Dear god almighty, I had no idea my mom was going to perceive this as “trouble brewing” and jump all over the: “he’s a great man, but you deserve better” thing.  I became instantly deaf and upset.  Sure he’s fallible, but aren’t we all?  I mean in all honestly, I’m certain he deserves better as well.  But does this mean we should dump out the baby with the bath water and seek perfection in yet another mate, or should we accept no one is flawless snd embrace the 99% you have?  Yep, I’m going with the latter.  I hope he does too.

Mean People Suck

Why is it that when certain people get hurt they lash out in a very negative, volatile way?

I've never understood this approach.  If your goal is to hang onto something you are losing and you are hurt that you are losing that thing, why would you try to beat that very thing down?  Wouldn't you work to reconnect and rebuild the love and tenderness that has slowly slipped from your grasp? 

My guess is that this person never loved in the first place, they viewed the other as a possession and have anger that their "property is being taken.  That this gives them the right to demean and defame the property like an abused dog to shame it into feeling small and weak as if it has no worth and coming back to the property owner is it's only solace.

Consider the following:

If two people are meant to be together it is through thick and thin.  They will remain friends in the hard times, they may fight but they will never degrade or push the other away.  Remaining friends doesn't mean they become solely friends.  Passion must exist in their interactions with one another until the end of breaths.

Never in this equation should we ever sacrifice our needs; whether it be passion or respect.

Mean people suck

Live a Little

Why haven't you learned anything?

Like Lupe says:

"Takes a long time to happen so fast
To realize your future is somebody else's past"

It's not like we are trying to tango on that old broken bridge with a noose around our necks or anything... but a little bit of life pumping through the old veins wouldn't hurt a person.

There's more than one way to die.  To die being reckless 90 mph contra-flow... Or to die in the soul.

Fire

Fire

I’d rather not be here tonight
I knew from the start this was just a flame
I had my fun dancing around it –pretty little sparks
Playing with fire with simple urgency
Now I’m trying to finish what I started
Suffocating the longing with an old familiar blanket
Something is dying and you can see it in my eyes

You had to know this ignite doesn’t have long-term potential
I look into the future and I don’t see you in it
When I’m on that island you won’t save me
And I know that
Pretty soon the phone is just gonna ring
I will mean to call you back
But you‘ll know before I do that I won’t

Chorus:

Don’t feel bad baby love
I’ll always remember you calling me cupcake
If I see the scars from the lit-tle burns
Back when we were oh-so alive
And on fire

Separation Anxiety

I want him and he wants me.

But tonight is not so right.....

My mind is wandering to so many other things. Things reminding me of him and probably him of me.

But tonight is not so right.....
I need some time to miss him or there is no night that is right.

Separation feels so right, but recently all I do is to please him
So what is with the fight?

I am his, just not tonight.

But tonight is not so right.....

slow ride

I miss how you gave me so much love.
I miss how you gave me the feeling of Ernie & Bert.
I miss how you kept me safe and encouraged me to fall.
But baby the reason I'm missing you is because you set limits to all those things.
A bittersweet whirlwind of passion, you taught me how to be so free
Maybe that's why it hurt so bad when you pulled that rug from under me.

If it takes a hundred years
He's gonna take me there
Walls aren't so bad mister.
You shoulda told me while asking me to break them down
That I had prescient knowledge of reality.
I wanna take it slow, on my time,
It's a beautiful ride...

Options

Thanks to some early morning thought-provocation, I would like to clear up a common misconception. I'm not a person who just 'does what she wants'

I'm a person who has made the most desirable choices out of the available options. Most often what I want is not available to me.

It might behoove me to opt out in the future rather than make a choice that is merely acceptable rather than stellar. After all, I appear satisfied, but I'm just appeased at best. I'd rather not have that viewpoint cast upon me. I think this will open doors for me to actually get what I want

Trust is better without labels.. Status Schmatus

do you trust me?

this question's answer is the epitome of personal validation,

I've always believed that the only trust that is true is that which comes free of obligation.
ex: If you desire commitment from me you ought not require a label for the answer. As a matter of fact, my gift of true trust & commitment should come from my DESIRE to commit my longing for you & only you.... Not the necessity and reciprocity of that obligation.

If you are confused, let me just say this: If I say I love you. If I say I want you. If I open myself physically, emotionally, & actively to you... another's desire for me should not be of mind.

I am an attractive person, no Kim, no Nicole, no Ciara, by any means. But I am Coco. I have my attributes. I act on my impulses & out of my self, sensuality, intelligence & intrigue because I am who I am: who you desire. So think about it... why wouldn't another man desire me as well? It shouldn't threaten you, it should validate your choice. PERIOD.

Let me surmise that I am not the one all desire, but I am who YOU desire. Because of who I am. So why dammit wouldn't someone else agree with your choice? If this is the case, why would you want me to decline another advance solely because of my label tied to you & not because I just simply chose you?

I simply mean this: Is it more valuable that I have the label 'girlfriend' or 'wife'.......or would there be no value in my decline of another's advancement because I :::::chose you? Would you prefer I decline another's advance as "I'm flattered but...." or "I just simply am not interested" Take away the labels of "status" & allow a woman to choose based on simply who she wants & you have something real, not restricted.

Peace & Love, Coco

*the box, the label..is face security. The choice is the only commitment one should yearn for. If that is absent, that is the only matter for concern.

I have a past

I've barely slept. He told me last that he thinks I'm in love with someone else. The man had been involved with intimately for quite some time before we even met.

But he didn't understand that my love for that man, although it was inconsequential to he and I and required no clarification my part, was intricate and benign . As were all my past relations...inconsequential in that they had no immediate influence on "us". My past has formed me, true. But my past has no other relavance. Nor should it be of any mind other than ' love it or leave it'.

I'm going to stand my ground on my sentimentality & fondness of prior romantic or sexual influences.

Your take?

All done sorting now it's time to edit.

There's one thing I need to do more as well as less.

EDITING.

bad news 4/29/07

didn't you know I was waitin on you?
waitin on a dream that would never come true
didn't you know I was waitin on you?
my face turned to stone when I heard the news
when you decide to break the rules?
cuz I just heard some real bad news
people are talkn like it's old news
I played it off and acted like I already knew
let me ask you how long have you known dude?
you played it off and act like he's brand new
when you decide to break the rules?
cuz I just heard some real bad news
real bad news...real bad news, real bad news
oh you jus gon keep another no you won't
oh you just gon keep it like you never knew
while I'm waitin on a dream that'll never come true
oh you just gon keep another love for you
my face turned to stone when I heard the news

I just heard some real bad news
-Kanye West

So one of my favorite blogs is gone. GONE! Disappeared into the abyss of 404 notifications. "Where Bourgeois Meets Ghetto" is no more.

I let go of my best (and oh so reminiscent of Nicole Ritchie) bff. *all in jest peeps, I'd never REALLY use kiddie text lingo. But in all seriousness, alcoholism is a demon that will eat the best of friendships alive. I'm happy, yet sad. I still have to hear about her escapades of 5-0 chasing her five deep for eluding and drunken idiocracy and hauling off her new man 10+ years her junior in her place to the klink. Somehow this made him her hero, go figure. I worry about the kids.

I came to terms with a friend I care for leaving our country to go back home *to the good life....
all the while cursing America for forgetting this past decade we WERE the promised land. I wonder what my ancestors would think, both native and immigrant.

Here I am now. Partly sad, partly relieved, 100% lonely.

Kinda scary thinking of not having that true friend, companion, partner by my side. You all call it a best friend. But I call it a true gift. I'm officially on the market for a best girlfriend and a boyfriend.

Girls: please no drama queens, have your own life, educated a plus, savvy and hip a must! Are there any of you left out there?

Guys: I don't want contracts and invasions of space. I don't want something that can be argued in a
propsition called #8. I just want someone who likes having me around from time to time and takes
me for what I'm worth. But gaaaawd! All the good ones are taken (at least I mean the ones that want to be involved). You guys know who you are, your either gay or content in your bachelor-ness. It's cool, I'm not hatin'. I never thought I'd actually settle down myself!

That was my mistake. He has already passed me by. She's already got her circle of friends and jumping in now is like infiltrating a high school clique. Doors closed, gone, 404'd or taken.

So I guess today I give my concession speech. But hey, I've saved my resume if any of you guys have a referral.

sex cures bitchiness

Yes it's true!

Sex knocks-out PMS & Smart Girls are better in bed!

Guys, if your girlfriend is bitchy, give her some of your luv-juice!  Turns out semen (yep, no condoms) absorbed into the vagina chemically and the result is a calming, pleasure inducing, hormone balancing antidote to female bitchiness.  

Studies also show that sex with an intellectual woman is superior to that of party girls and athletic gals.

click for source

Goldilocks and The 3 Bears

June 3, 2006 - Saturday
Goldilocks and The 3 Bears

I'm just a girl
Living in a Goldilocks world
One's just too hot, the other too cold
The perfect one's soul is sold

I wanna heat it up
To fill my cup
But I'm not allowed
So I leave into the crowd
Step up and claim what is yours
Before I close the doors

You could be so right
If you'd only fight

But he's over here running hot
So much that it's gonna rot
Too much baby, it's gonna waste
Cool it down so I can have a taste
Step back, don't ask for more
So I can walk through the door

You could be so tasty
If you wouldn't be so hasty

Then there's you
I'm so confused, I have no clue
The perfect temperature
My longing for you has no cure
To resurrect the past
How long can I remain last?

You are so fine
If only you were mine

1:41 PM - 14 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

4/25/07

April 25, 2007 - Wednesday
The piece that doesn't match my collection

I looked in your eyes last night
My heart busted wide open
contents spilled on the floor
asking you to forgive my faults, my mistakes

You stared through me, beyond me
with icicles in your eyes
and said you could not forgive
It is not in your nature

At that moment I realized
that you were right
We just don't see eye to eye
I've been looking at a painting
Seeing what I wanted to see
Forgetting that the artist
made his own vision
No matter how hard I impressed
my own collective experience
on the visual in front of me
My interpretation would never be more
than just merely mine

I can no longer cling
to to broken pieces
that continue to cut
me deep inside


11:45 AM - 8 Comments - 9 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

For you

You are perfect. You feel so right in conversaion and in touch. Intelligent, creative, never a bore. You and I can see the clouds animate themselves, take a moment for a kiss, then delight in the new surprise in the sky.

We'll envy the lucky ones across the lake. The ones with the patch of sun peeking through the clouds to brighten their spot on the hillside. Our turn in the spotlight will come if we lay tangled perfectly together.

I opened to you, closed and alone for far too much time... welcomed you inside and in return you taught me how to feel again. This revival made me feel alive. Just when I was certain everything had died.

You are perfect. I'm afraid to talk to you now that circumstances keep us apart. I can't call. I can't write. Just thinking about how perfect you are. Little dreams at night give glimpses of you by my side. If I could talk to you, I'd tell you the things we do. But you are perfect. And I can't talk to you. I like dreaming better... because in dreams, you are mine.

My Monologue

I just wrote my monologue in raw honest prose and delivered without voice over yahoo and gmail. Just so sick of being put on a pedestal. I give away my strenghs without ration or fair price. They carve of the golden outer edges and reveal the raw soul swaying in passion’s pendulum. Sitting high enough still enough alone enough that worship turns into critique.

But you, you thought there was something about me you just had to figure out. You asked enough questions. I know I’m a mess, but I’m sensual intelligent and complex. They wrap their minds about attributes of excellence and turn a blind eye to blemishes and defects. I always give the best up front. But they don’t ration, all that is left is a valley of imperfections. An uphill climb for us to endure is too much of a bother just together so I can recollect assets. Its fractures and scars are baggage they won’t accept. I’m alone again and I learn to breathe again… to love myself… to regain faith. This time I gave him the dark, the ugly

I just want to start off when it’s high knowing the lows so that there’s no struggle uphill. You see the worst of me explicated in brutal humility… the best is all that’s left. If not you, I know I’ll find somebody looking to roll downhill side by side.