Live a Little

Why haven't you learned anything?

Like Lupe says:

"Takes a long time to happen so fast
To realize your future is somebody else's past"

It's not like we are trying to tango on that old broken bridge with a noose around our necks or anything... but a little bit of life pumping through the old veins wouldn't hurt a person.

There's more than one way to die.  To die being reckless 90 mph contra-flow... Or to die in the soul.

Options

Thanks to some early morning thought-provocation, I would like to clear up a common misconception. I'm not a person who just 'does what she wants'

I'm a person who has made the most desirable choices out of the available options. Most often what I want is not available to me.

It might behoove me to opt out in the future rather than make a choice that is merely acceptable rather than stellar. After all, I appear satisfied, but I'm just appeased at best. I'd rather not have that viewpoint cast upon me. I think this will open doors for me to actually get what I want

Vision Quest #11 :: Fill-er-up!

Loving people is draining. Yes, this is true. But so is an oil change. I look forward to getting filled back up.

weird

Sometimes I wish I was not as smart as I am.  Basically, you can't keep a secret from me.  One of my undeniably (almost freakishly) accurate skills is logic.  Couple that with a helluva good intuition, I got almost anyone near me numbered.  It's quite useful and has saved many a hyde in its time.  Yet the drawbacks are pretty sickening:

a.  With knowledge comes power, as does reality.  Sometimes this reality is something I wish I never had to witness.  Example: obsession, perversion, deceit, etc.

b.  People don't like getting caught or figured out.  This makes relating often difficult.  Over the years I've found that pretending ignorance is best in most cases.  But that in and of itself takes its own toll on myself and those around me.

c.   I missed my calling, I should have been in a job that utilized these skills for a positive outcome.  I should have worked homicide or intelligence.  But with everything else, I really didn't want to jump through the years of hoops needed for adequate promotions in such vocations.  I have always found it hard to pretend under-skilled.  Impatient?  yep... to a fault.

What is all this for?

well in my current real world... I hate stalkers.  I hate pervs.  I hate ulterior motives.  I hate liars.  I cherish mistakes, they help us learn.  Sneakiness and chicken-sh*t hiders... I hate.

I know. I see. It gets you nowhere but further away.

Vision Quest #7: You never know.... It can always be worse.

u never know what can happen.

I met this lady a few years ago and I immediately adored her. She was charismatic, educated, savvy and possesed multitudes of qualities I rate highly in others. I was drawn to her by both admiration and intrigue. She was financially smart, supported worthy causes, and freakin' hilarious fun to be with.

The purpose of the verbose intro was let you know that crap can land in just about anybody's lap. This awesome lady was involved in an auto accident that resulted in serious injuries and a fatality. Her life is forever changed. She's still the same person, but she will never be the same.

A lifetime can change in an instant. If I have any control over anything in life, I vow to be certain each moment, each memory... is one that will forever remind me of the good person I am and the good people I choose to share my life with.

The Tipping Point

Yeterday was pretty good. Flowers and love from a bunch of people. Apparantly I've touched some lives. Right on. But the one thing I'll remember most was my conversation with Petar about "The Tipping Point" (just google it, I'm not a link-poster type). I thought about the concept all night and realized the reason I was so preoccupied was this:

The Tipping Point is a GREAT metaphor for my life. I am that little chic eclectic urban oasis that draws them in. Yet the same thing you are drawn to seems to scare you away. Take it or leave it SOB's I'm just Madonna, but I'm not the "complex". What's with the curiosity? Come hang with the differences instead of peeking and coveting. All the while packing your bags and running for the colorless hills of affluence. True wealth is more worthy than measure, your 'dollar & image' scales leave you with no cents (sense).

Do it all the way or don't do it at all. None of that half-assed shyte for me, ok?

Drafts, Edits, and Posts

Why do I have so many more drafts than actual posts?

Possibilities:
1. I hate being misunderstood more than anything (misunderstood would include loosely such things as prejudices, assumptions, and all around ego-centric states wherein others impose jugement on me/you/anyone else).
2. I suck at editing. My mind is a gift and a curse. Although it is very stimulating, it goes speed-racer like a mouse on cocaine and I can't always keep up. I seriously have to resort to music/tv/books/sex to shut it down in order to sleep.
3. I don't want to be vulnerable right now, (nearly everything I post is from my heart). As strong as I am, I also have a lot going on at the moment. Some tidbits: I have a close friend facing a vehicular homicide sentence (non-dui, just a freak accident). I found a couple of significant folks from my past. My grandma is dying. I can't fall in love for the life of me. It's very overwhelming.
4. I am on a creative cycle that is quite revolutionary. Renaissance~esque coupled with category 5 storm destructiveness. Very confusing to say the least.

"You made me acknowledge the devil in me
I hope to God I'm talking metaphorically,
Hope that I'm talking alegorically,
Know that I'm talking about the way I feel"

Hennesey and tears...

Disturbingly accurate.

Nichole Sex F
Seattle, WA 53 United States 11/27/1970 00:36 - Julian day 2440917.86
Adjust 8.00 ST 4.50 Lat 47.36 Long 122.20
Birth Chart
This birth chart shows the positions of the planets of Nichole

Sun in Sagittarius
She is good, idealistic, enthusiastic and warm-hearted. She is independent, has a taste for travel and freedom. She is pre-disposed to a professional career.
Weaknesses: She is too adventurous and leaves things to chance: takes risks which cause problems: she is rebellious and has a playful spirit.

Moon in Scorpio
Courageous, brave, independent, not a fearful nature. The type of sensual woman who likes
eroticism.Weaknesses: excesses of pleasures of the flesh, sensual delights and sensuality

Mercury in Sagittarius
Democrat, philosopher, tolerant, respectful of laws. Likes foreign travel. Believes that everything teaches you
something.
Weaknesses: free spirit, that likes adventure and will leap into hazardous and risky affairs.

Venus in Scorpio
Sensual and passionate, she likes love, the act of making love. Passionate loves, full of ardor and desire where the partner needs to be able to match her level or else recriminations will follow. While being passionate, she is also jealous and possessive.
Weaknesses: if disappointed or deceived in love, she can become bitter and odious. She hates the person as much as she used to love. Only jealousy can be as strong as hate.

Mars in Libra
Aggression is quite simply repressed. She stores up the setbacks without letting it show, but too much can be difficult to support. Appreciates the Arts, beauty.
Weaknesses: she is quick to criticize the society in which she lives. She likes to please and plays on the affection of others.

Jupiter in Scorpio 
She is provocative, brusque, offensive. Very pretentious and opinionated, with lots of authority and ambition. Possibility of a large family.
Weaknesses: immoderate sensual appetite. Pretension, disdain, insolence.

Saturn in Taurus
Slow butpersistent in action. Perseverance of effort, assiduity, in a regular and set manner.
Weaknesses: she perseveres, insisting on her way but is intransigent. Not very expansive.

Uranus in Libra 
Well-developed artistic leanings. Her balance can be upset by too great an independence.

Neptune in Sagittarius
Likes long voyages, things foreign, water.

Pluto in Virgo
Takes away her shyness.

Sign and ascendant
Sagittarius ascendant Virg0

The planets in the houses
The planetary positions in the houses express the facts relative to destiny.

Sun in III
She has a good education, a solid grasp of facts. Socially successful, she wants to be known. She has a strong influence on her circle.

Moon in III
Highly imaginative, but has difficulty in concentrating. She fantasizes sometimes. Important studies, moves around a lot and travels frequently.

Mercury in IV 
Good education, she is cultivated, likes literature, family life and family relationships.

Venus in III
Likes everything that is beautiful, likes decorum. Outstanding intelligence. She works in a trade linked to beauty, fashion. Numerous select friends.

Mars in II
She undertakes daring and dangerous enterprises. She has lots of initiative. She works hard for her money, of which she earns a lot. She is a spendthrift, money comes and goes. She is always ready to start from scratch in the event of a setback. Great willingness and enthusiasm.

Jupiter in III
She has good judgement, a sense of values, an open and optimistic mind, a good education and high moral standards. She likes studying. She is successful in communications work. Her professional work is a vocation and plays a great part in her life.

Saturn in IX 
She is studious, patient, rigorous, austere. She likes reflection, meditation. She carries out all the plans she makes. She is a stay-at-home.

Uranus in II 
She has a lot of flair. She is unreliable at work, always ready for change. She must have an out-of-the-ordinary job, in which case all goes well: otherwise, she will often change jobs and will have financial problems.

Neptune in III
She has a lot of imagination, high ideals. She is nostalgic. Likes studying.


The houses in the signs

Ascendant in Virgo
Predisposed for the medical, paramedical, or social service professions. Likes peace and tranquility at home. Looks for a loving and tender partner.

House II in Libra 
Income will come either as a result of an advantageous marriage, or by a very useful association.

House III in Scorpio 
Makes a good investigator because she is very curious, likes researching and does this with a lot of patience, likes to solve mysteries. Knows how to take risks, while being aware of the dangers.

House IV in Sagittarius 
She will certainly marry a foreigner, or go to live abroad permanently and set up home there.

House V in Capricorn 
The absolute example of the "serious" type. Everything is calculated, the slightest risk analyzed, patience is one of her main qualities. Doesn't know anything about chance. One or two love affairs, marriage, a family, all unproblematic - done calmly with love and wisdom.

House VI in Aquarius
One of the professions or teaching. Weak point: the circulation of the blood.

House VII in Pisces 
Marriage with someone who will quickly disappoint. The spouse's lack of energy and vitality will annoy her, and this could lead to the break-up of the marriage. A second, happier one could happen.

House VIII in Aries 
The spouse will tend to spend more money than she earns. Be careful of any haste that could prove dangerous. Drives a car too fast.

House X in Gemini 
Profession requiring lots of change and movement. If this isn't the case, then lots of job changes. Likes to move, travel, write.

House XI in Cancer 
Sincere and life-long friendships. The family comes first, however.

House XII in Leo
A few problems with authority or someone in charge.

Interplanetary aspects

The interplanetary aspects have a strong influence on the character and disposition of the individual and, consequently, on her destiny.
The conjunction aspect is variable and depends above all on the nature of the conjoint planets.

292 Conjunction Sun - Neptune
She has a fertile imagination, is full of inspiration, and very emotional - all qualities that she uses on the professional level. She likes the Arts, beauty.

157 Conjunction Moon - Jupiter 
She is frank, honest, optimistic and generous. She likes good cooking, her comforts. Her friendships are sincere. She is a worker and knows how to surround herself with the right people: she is appreciated at work.

-129 Opposition Jupiter - Saturn
She is indifferent to what goes on around her, is mistrustful and always unsatisfied. She is easily irritated.

-104 Opposition Moon - Saturn 
She has changeable moods, a reserved character, is stubborn and lacks assurance. Her relationship with her mother is disturbing and difficult, she has considerable family problems. This is the standard aspect for children who are abandoned or lack maternal love.

89 Conjunction Moon - Venus
She is gracious, sweet and gay. She likes pleasure and entertainment, but also the Arts. She needs tenderness, loves and wants children. She appreciates home life in a comfortable atmosphere.

67 Sextile Moon - Ascendant 
She has a good influence on the family, which loves and helps the person. She likes travelling, movement, change. She likes contact and is open to other people.

47 Sextile Mercury - Mars 
She likes to discuss, likes polemic. She has good judgement and is determined. She is a worker and has lots of energy. She has a lively intelligence and goes to the heart of things.

39 Sextile Neptune - Pluto 

36 Trine Saturn - Ascendant 
She is serious, sober, thoughtful, pays attention to detail. She likes to be with older people.

24 Trine Uranus - Midheaven
She must have a job that allows her complete freedom, something non-routine. She likes change, has a lot of energy and knows how to influence others in spite of her originality.

-20 Opposition Venus - Saturn 
This aspect sometimes means unhealthy sensuality. She is hard, and does not know how to express her emotions. She is frightened of showing her love, and this leads to disappointments, break-ups, lack of satisfaction. It is likely that she had problems with her mother, who did not know how to love her or give her self-confidence. She doubts, is suspicious and jealous. She will learn how to be happy in love, to be at ease with herself and to control her jealousy in the second half of her life, thanks to an older person, who gives her self-confidence back to her, so she can then trust others.

-18 Opposition Mercury - Midheaven
She has no specific aim in life. She frequently changes jobs, is unstable but likes change, which gives her the feeling of living intensely. Lots of activity as far as love is concerned - she has a full sex life.

16 Sextile Jupiter - Ascendant 
She likes meeting friends, around a good meal and in a cordial atmosphere. She is pleasant, jovial and engaging.

-15 Square Mercury - Ascendant
She likes to criticize, to gossip. Frequently arguing, she is nervous but also disturbed. She looks out too much for a verbal battle, and is provoking.

Aspects
Planet Aspect Planet Orb/Value
Sun Conjunction Neptune 3.55 292
Moon Conjunction Venus 6.01 89
Moon Conjunction Jupiter 4.23 157
Moon Opposition Saturn 1.50 -104
Moon Sextile Ascendant 1.02 67
Mercury Sextile Mars 2.37 47
Mercury Square Ascendant 4.22 -15
Mercury Opposition Midheaven 7.34 -18
Venus Opposition Saturn 7.51 -20
Jupiter Opposition Saturn 2.33 -129
Jupiter Sextile Ascendant 3.22 16
Saturn Trine Ascendant 0.48 36
Uranus Trine Midheaven 1.32 24
Neptune Sextile Pluto 1.25 39
767 -286 481

Sign types & asteroids
Signs masculine 5 Signs of fire 3
Signs feminine 5 Signs of earth 2
Signs cardinals 2 Signs of air 2
Signs fixed 4 Signs of water 3
Signs mutable 4
Chiron Aries 5.48 R
Ceres Aries 24.21 R
Pallas Aquarius 28.34
Juno Taurus 22.03 R
Vesta Scorpio 21.37
Fortune Leo 28.28
South node Leo 27.22

I've never been moved like this before. PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO VIEW!!!

BI-RACIAL HAIR

How do you feel about casual sex?

Here’s my take:
Sex is very important to me. It is an open and intense place for me. I bond with my lover even if all we have is that one night. The intensity is unclassifiable. For that reason, I reserve casual sex for few select people. It needs to be a friend. We need to be able to bond by sharing intimacy privately without expectations, explanation, or regret. With a lover, the world assumes intimacy. With friends, it’s a secret only the two of us share. It might be selfish, but the less the rest of the world is involved, the more for us.

Relationship sex:
Sometimes friendship sex turns into relationship sex. I understand I run the risk of this evolution, but if I am to fall in love... I must first have a friend. But this transition requires perfect synchronicity. It requires consent on both sides. It is perfectly acceptable to love your friend. But we fail in that we skip the step of friendship trying to own partnership. I won't let anyone shame me for valuing the bond of a friendship over coupling. I am complete without coupling, it is only an enhancement, not an ingredient in my self-worth. But I am not above admitting I have needs. My ingredients: family, self worth in harmony with humility, ethics, respect, idealistic faith, intimacy, trust, and true siterhood/brotherhood that I have found in my deepest friendships.

Exoskeleton

I don't have the tenacity to see if I spelled that right or not, but I just wanted to type the word.  Sometimes I wish we had our bones on the outside instead of flesh.  It would be a whole lot less easy to pass judgment upon one another for things not character related, like ohhh say: the color of your skin or how big your boobs are.

Just another hopelessly idealistic thought.

Quantum Love Girl

September 10, 2006 - Sunday
"Quantum Love Girl"


Emotional intellect

Seems as though this is a deadly mix in the current paradigm.

Logic overrides life as it tries to make sense of and control the emotions.
Just like making sense of quantum through the "Many Worlds" theory allows us
to roll from one state into another, where all statistical laws break down
and cold flows to hot and hot to cold. Never quite satisfactory, like an
impossible proof. She's in a whirlwind wishing she had the mind of
Beyonce' instead of Sting.

Intellectual emo

Wishing for simplicity and calm. All is well when there is no puzzle.
Puzzles break her down into a million pieces. So she throws an apple out
the window, watching it shatter onto the ground below. Oh, to live in a
pure time when thought was revered. Now we look to brevity and short
skirts.

Feel good girls with poetic smiles, not thoughts.

Watch the apples roll off of her fingertips into a perfect state of free-fall till they hit the ground making a sound of glass wrapped in cloth, like the heart.

cuasssh!

She travels to the edge of town sits down in the ghetto. She feels so comfortable in her Prada shoes listening to Mozart. "Rock Me Amadeus"

Why must she consent to the world that wants her to read Tom Robbins when she wants Dosteyeski and Plato?

To hold those in her life dear? Why can't she be revered? She'll serve you when you crave her flavor, but everybody knows that you can't stomach to taste what is rich for every meal. Maybe next weekend when you tire of your Honey Bunches of Oats and burnt spaghetti.

7:28 PM - 8 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Understanding homelessness

Last weekend I went out with a friend who's been asking me to go out for some time now and I never wanted to go because I seem to always have something else going on. I'm so glad I finally went because we had such a nice time at this chic place in Belltown, The Queen City Grill. After a really chill evening of drinks, conversation and fabulous Ahi apps, I walked out with a glow I hadn't had in weeks.

But, just like a lot of things lately, my glow was quickly doused by a bucket of yuck. You see, I was doing a little people observing of a couple of girls at the next table over. One of them asked the other to cover the bill of $90 when it came because she "forgot her wallet" and only had a few singles on her. As we all happened to leave at the same time, we all walked past a homeless man selling the local homeless newspaper named "REAL CHANGE" (instead of panhandling, these guys get lisenced to buy the papers and sell them for $1 which I believe is a $.50 profit). I think it's a positive program and was pleased to see the girl who paid the bill ask her friend if she could have one of her singles. The second girl refused going off about how she is a single mom who works hard and doesn't get child support and it's a rack of BS that these freaks can't do it if she can and she won't support their laziness. As the other girl argued that this WAS this person's job and the pay was terrible, but being homeless makes you less than desireable when interviewing for jobs. The other one responded about how she can't afford to support them at this point in her life. But the woman can expect her friend to pick up a $90 FRIGGING TAB???

I've been sick about the way people view the homeless. I run everday at Green Lake and today I saw a woman on the bench with her bags turned to the side with tears in her eyes. He skin was leathered from the sun and she was holding an old picture. The lake was packed and no one even looked at her. I wanted to stop and talk to her. But what was I going to say? That I understand how she feels? That I can somehow brighten her day? Unlike the Greenlake stay-at-home moms with their $500 baby joggers and their half million dollar homes on East Greenlake Drive (don't ask me what they cost on the "good side" of the lake).

Who am I really but another single mom trying to make it in the world? I'm just like anyone else. I'm just one step away from being that lady on the bench crying over something she's lost.

I've cried a lot this past couple of weeks over losing a cat, losing money, and rejection. I want so much that I don't have, just like everyone else. But what I do have is compassion and empathy. I never can understand what brought every individual to the streets, but maybe tomorrow, I'll think of something to say. Maybe tomorrow, I'll stop and ask her about the picture she clutches. Maybe tomorrow.....

Brains Before Beauty

Ever make the mistake of Google~ing an ex?

Provided you ever dated anyone noteworthy enough to get put on the net, you can really see how life has been treating them. I'm not proud, but my kookoo friend twisted my arm enough to do it.

For instance, I just Googled the a guy I used to date that I worked with a decade ago. He was a prominant executive chef at a well known restaurant. What I found: He owns a swank place downtown these days (*to remain nameless). He was so frigging hot it was difficult to walk past this guy without having slight heart failure. As far as his personality, he was very selfish and conceited, not much good for anything with the lights on. And he had that kind of facial hair that scratched your face, so you could never kiss. He was a real jackass, but I was a slave to my hormones back then and it didn't matter. I couldn't take his void of personality for long and moved on. Google confirmed I made the right decision. He's likely still a jerk, but now he's also bald and chubby! Not that looks matter much as we age. And I admit I'm not exacly the hottie I used to be either. But damn, it puts things in perspective!

So the moral of the story is:

Beauty fades
Substance and Integrity don't.

If you find the latter, forgoe the former and HOLD on with all you got cuz, as my close friend said the other day, "She aint gettin any younger."

i know a girl (Poetry)

I know a girl who slips on her heart
She better stop doing it or else she'll get hurt.
She's cool, she cares, she'll make you al-right
It's all about you when she's in your world.
People walk by her and say ooh, baby, that's what I love a-bout you.
But I'm watching her spirit die cuz no one says I love you.

I wonder if she's like the lillies in my yard.
Every year I cut them to the core.
The next year they come back for more.
How many seasons of frost can she take?
Can she die a million times and avoid the rake?
I want to tell her I love her. But I don't. I only love how she makes me feel.

© Nichole Leigh

Are emotions like dandelions? Left unattended they multiply

So I had an interesting conversation today with a friend of mine. We deciided to make today THE day to go grocery shopping. It was some SERIOUS shopping, first to Trader Joes for all the organic and swank stuff, not to mention the cheap wine. Then it was off to Safeway for the staples. Finally it was Uwajimaya to get green tea ice cream, sashimi, and oysters.

So this girl, I love her but she's in a hard space right now. She's feeling a lot of emotions right now and she's kinda pissed that she even has to be dealing with the stuff that she is.

I started thinking about my last blog and I tried to deliver the virtues of emoting. But she was just pissed. It dawned on me that the difference between me, being ok with my emotions and those that don't want to feel is that I'm not carrying a secondary emotion. *I have no idea if this is a real concept, but I'm gonna take credit for it at least until someone sets me straight. As far as I know it came to me a priori.

It's a realtively simple concept. You have emotions that make you uncomfortable and a secondary emotion develops either in response or defense. One that is sad or depressed becomes angry. One that is lonely becomes depressed and so forth. This extra emotion complicates and prolongs the situation whereas just being in the moment/feeling the first emotion helps you move on and grow. If you deal with it, the other one can't develop. So the question is, and possibly the answer: Why not stop doing that?

Words and Sticks and Stones... Name calling broken down like bones

what are words for?

They are very powerful. We are taught to use them to enhance, emphasize, devalue or describe. But the real power is not in 'floral' additions to rhetoric, rather in how they are applied. They can cause irreperable harm when they are used to communicate emotional blows. Those are wounds that don't easily heal and the scars impossible to hide. I'm not perfect and in my lifetime I've duked it out with 'poopyheads' on the playground into Rated R rapid verbal assault. I'm not proud, but I've done my share of hitting below the belt from time to time. But I'm so sensitive, I'm not that good at blocking blows and I usually end up on the losing side of a fight. I got hit with a few recently and I didn't have any room on my heart for another scar. I decided to block this time and take pride in words that were delivered intending to bruise my self esteem. I'm going to show you how name-calling (provided you are aware of your self worth) can be softened and worn with pride. Some words I've encounterd that I've decided to re-apply:

Name calling- pain or pride, you decide:


volatile: Tending to violence; explosive
one that is volatile can often be passionate


whore: A person considered sexually promiscuous
one who is comfortable in her sexuality, ability to express closeness through the physical


compulsive: A person with behavior patterns governed by a compulsion rather than self control
one that acts rather than regrets. Impulse is equated with ingenuity


naive: Unsuspecting or credulous
optimistic


ideological: One who thinks too much
Of or concerned with ideas. The practice of seeking the coexistence of optimism and pragmatism


saturated: Unable to hold or contain more; over-full.
better than empty


altruistic: easily and often taken advantage of
unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness


Currently listening :
Rhyme & Reason
By Missing Persons
Release date: 21 November, 2000

A softer side of me

As a philosopher, I've become quite intimate with skepticism. For the most part, I've taken a real hard-line approach on all matters including those of the heart. I have been passionately anti-marriage, anti-devotion, and cynical.

My education has become my emotional guide, but I have realized recently that experience has been the most powerful force above any intellectual matter. For so long, my own personal experinces had been so counter-productive to realistic relationship understandings. I've been watching a close friend through a rough break-up and entering the dating scene after 15 years. Since I've seen her marriage fall apart and this woman who was so devoted and "family" oriented become so cynical, it reminds me of who I used to be. I can't understand why seeing cynicism is causing my (what I thought was deep rooted) opinions and attitudes to change. She tells me that being cynical comes from her surroundings. It dawns on me that my own skepticism comes from watching the deepest betrayal of how I was raised unfold into my own life and relationships.

There have been a couple of serious traumatic things happen to people I am very close to in the past week and I wanted to vocalize that as of today, I have a new appreciation for life and relating with those I love. I don't want what I wanted. I don't need what I needed. I don't think I will ever say "never" again. The things I swore were for the ridiculously innocent are just things I don't understand because I've never had them. It's all new and wonderful and it's called life. For my family, friends, and those who love me; I'm ready to ride the roller coaster now, bring it on!

My idealistic (or maybe you might call it sophomoric) view on love

There's a subject that I've explored to a great extent the past few weeks.

"What makes two people more connected than others?"

I know from my own experience and watching my friends explore life, lovers and friendships that there are two kinds of relationships. The first is a lover or a friend on an outer level. I'll explore the idea of a lover mainly, but this concept is applicable towards all relationships incuding friendships, colleagues, family, and so on. In the outer level, you may experience chemistry, sexual attraction and compatibility, admiration, fondness, and many other below the surface feelings for this person. You may even experience deeper feelings of love and deep endearment. You may even develop intense passion and selflessness where this person is concerned. I believe this to be the case for easily 80 percent of relationships.

But what about that deeper level, the "soul mate" I know, it sounds so cliche' but for lack of a better term, I'll call it that. By a soul mate, I mean two people that have the things on the outer level, but something more. These people can start off finding a deep connection with each other in several levels. One of the most poignant or obvious way is deep cultural similarities OR (please note the "or" here) understangings. Similar thought process and intellectual compatibility. Comparable passions such as art, sports, music, reading, politics etc. and a balance between depth and chemistry in the interactions of the two. The two of you are not neccesarily carbon copies, but rather like minded. You both have taken the time to accept that the two of you are dynamic in thought, belief and choice, but the higher level of communication is always static. Your soulmate is balanced and reflective of yourself. A soulmate will notice the tiny similarities in the other, and relish the differences. A soulmate will never grow to resent these differences, but by contrast will admire and respect them because he/she took the time to really know you and accepts you for who you are. A soulmate grows with his/her partner never growing apart, even if on different paths.

A friend recently asked me how many people I thought were "out there" for you? My response was two, not necessarily two people but two possibilities of "types" of loves. Analogously, imagine a puzzle or a tailored suit. Certainly we can find an adeqaute off the rack sport coat in a generic size. But it's not you. It's functional, but you'd happily trade it in for a better one. You might make two pieces of a puzzle fit but if you haven't taken the time to see if it's the right fit, or just a temporarily 'i got one!' fit they aren't meant to be together. They will have to be taken apart eventually to truly complete the puzzle. Apply the imagery to our personalities and heart & soul... one can consider oneself molded with two people. If we imagine every person lined up across puzzle that is life. That person would find themselves back to back with a sufficient match and face to face with a perfect match. The person you are back to back with will fit your criteria as the basic compatible mate, but the one face to face has the elemental success of deep compatibility and understanding. Settling for a fit that doesn't allow the two of you to see eye to eye is a sad and tragic thing. I've tried to learn that not everything is meant for me. I am grateful for those that enhance my life. But for me, I'm looking for that person that will know me inside and out. What every gesture means, and loves my passion's penulum highs enough to accpet it's lows. Someone willing to teach and learn by my side. Just a companion. One who 'gets' me. And in reciprocity I'll do the same till the day I die.

Please feel free to comment and share your thoughts and objections.

Currently listening :
Workin' Together
By Ike and Tina Turner
Release date: 22 May, 2001