The Tipping Point

Yeterday was pretty good. Flowers and love from a bunch of people. Apparantly I've touched some lives. Right on. But the one thing I'll remember most was my conversation with Petar about "The Tipping Point" (just google it, I'm not a link-poster type). I thought about the concept all night and realized the reason I was so preoccupied was this:

The Tipping Point is a GREAT metaphor for my life. I am that little chic eclectic urban oasis that draws them in. Yet the same thing you are drawn to seems to scare you away. Take it or leave it SOB's I'm just Madonna, but I'm not the "complex". What's with the curiosity? Come hang with the differences instead of peeking and coveting. All the while packing your bags and running for the colorless hills of affluence. True wealth is more worthy than measure, your 'dollar & image' scales leave you with no cents (sense).

Do it all the way or don't do it at all. None of that half-assed shyte for me, ok?

Drafts, Edits, and Posts

Why do I have so many more drafts than actual posts?

Possibilities:
1. I hate being misunderstood more than anything (misunderstood would include loosely such things as prejudices, assumptions, and all around ego-centric states wherein others impose jugement on me/you/anyone else).
2. I suck at editing. My mind is a gift and a curse. Although it is very stimulating, it goes speed-racer like a mouse on cocaine and I can't always keep up. I seriously have to resort to music/tv/books/sex to shut it down in order to sleep.
3. I don't want to be vulnerable right now, (nearly everything I post is from my heart). As strong as I am, I also have a lot going on at the moment. Some tidbits: I have a close friend facing a vehicular homicide sentence (non-dui, just a freak accident). I found a couple of significant folks from my past. My grandma is dying. I can't fall in love for the life of me. It's very overwhelming.
4. I am on a creative cycle that is quite revolutionary. Renaissance~esque coupled with category 5 storm destructiveness. Very confusing to say the least.

"You made me acknowledge the devil in me
I hope to God I'm talking metaphorically,
Hope that I'm talking alegorically,
Know that I'm talking about the way I feel"

Vision Quest Lesson #6

It's pretty brutal when you realize you are heading in the wrong direction, spinning your wheels, or fighting for a lost cause. It's especially tough when it happens in matters of the heart. But ignoring those red-flags to avoid the beating will only delay the inevitable.

Help me break

Please baby help me fall in love
And catch me with left field's glove
If you hold on you'll feel DiMaggio's glory
And I'll complete your story

Don't worry love u gotta get it all right
Cuz there's always a sequel if it aint quite
We got enough if we let it come alive
Exponentially we can multiply

I don't wanna cramp your style
Or hoard you in insecurity's file
I'm not like every other girl
I'm very aware I need to compliment your world

I'm ready and been shoppin, gotta get this right
Heart and mind stuck, can't even fight
Love's quicksand and I have nothin to say
Heaven's prison: passion's a helluva price to pay.

Some people...

FNA. So your friend meets this guy, likes him enough. Goes out a few times and he's all pushy pursuing her. Then nothin' for a couple weeks. She writes it off because she's got options and lo & behold an email arrives out of the blue:

"I'm sorry, I just got back w/my ex and we had changed our #'s..... Dunno
how you feel about being side fun if you know what I mean..."

Is this for real?

It's not that I want to be put into the position of analyzing this, but it makes me think....

My question:
1. (back with ex)+(gotta change numbers)x(side gig)=
a) recipe for crazy baby mama psycho to come key your car
b) your booty-knockin' was the bomb and he doesn't want to let you go
c) your booty-knockin' was the bomb, but you 'aint girlfriend material
d) game-tight
e) call all your friends and bore them with your whining about how men suck
f) all of the above

Here's what I would say, "no thanks, I'm good"

Ever have a dream so good you don't want to wake up? **fixed the stuff Blogger jumbled

Ever have a dream so good you don't want to wake up? I have them often. So often I've even perfected the ability to hit the snooze button on my internal wake-up alarm. That extra few minutes to see what happens next is pretty important.


Anyways, I had a particularly good one the other night. So good I put it in one of my journals. I thumbed through all of them to find the one that had the dream log. As I browsed, I read some old entries.



Enlightening. Especially the entries about love. Yikes.


I get it now. I have spent the past couple of years on a quest for self-improvement and enlightenment. But one thing I just haven't figured out is why I sabotage, fear, and run far far away from relationships. A very close friend asked me recently why I always push men away when I start to really like them. She wouldn't let me give her an answer- at least not until I had honestly and carefully studied the issue. My immediate answer is usually a snap armchair shrink's generalization (see my earlier post on assumptions) and that doesn't count as 'honest' self-study. *hmmm 2 people pointing this out in the last week. What am I doing wrong?


My first thought was just my independence and maybe just being 'too controlling' to co-operate on such a level. I don't think I'm jaded, really... I've been hurt, but I've always recovered so what's the big deal? I am an idealist by nature and for the utter sake of the idealist's resilience, I don't think I could possibly be damaged. So what the eff is it?



The journals gave me a completely different perspective. I LOVE "standpoint epistemology" so I'm going to keep going with this, but for now here's the new thoughts:


I love in a weird way: intense, but never overwhelming. It appears to be very selfless and passionate. I think that’s why I don’t throw it out like candy at a parade. In love, I give respect, passion, and devotion... I hope I don't sound full of myself when I say it hasn't
been out of the norm to be told by an ex that they have never felt loved like they did with me. It’s just that they don’t say that until I’m gone. Ironic? Maybe. But if I reaaaaaly love someone, I make damn sure I make that man feel like King Kong. I like it that way. But lately I have been putting up walls and setting landmines. I let fears guide and hide my heart the way I did as the neighborhood champion of hide.n.seek. Gaddammit, I'm not letting anyone in! …At least not the ones that might love me right. I let in a couple of ones I knew wouldn't last. Stuff happened. I got hurt but recovered. I thought this was my demise at the time.

But now:

It boils down to only one thing:


I think I forgot something. I think I forgot to give that unconditional love. I forgot I had to trust. Pain is a must. I never feared it doing tree-climbing acrobatics, during those marathons I ran, or even those times I gave my heart: Without the bitter, the sweet would never be nearly as sweet.

Outta Sight, Outta Mind. **women are not like men

I just had a conversation with someone the other day about MEN. I asked my friend the best way to get a guy off your back that you are not interested in. He suggested a couple of routes, one that made sense; "be honest", as well as one that particularly struck a cord. I'll tell you why:

Honesty was universal and kind, but his other suggestion was a bit gamey. Games aside, the worst part was that it went completely against every grain of my being. The suggestion to start contacting the guy a lot and be 'too' interested. That was a surefire turn-off for a guy. Apparantly men like him prefer women who are absent.

Well for me, and every woman I've encountered, when a woman gets distant like that: it's pretty much TOO LATE. We are attentive to the things we like. Guys say they love the chase so they figure we like the same. Not quite babe. If we stop putting energy into you, good luck buddy it means that attention is getting focused somewhere else.

On the flip side, female humans are not unlike those of other species where the one that gives us attention is the one who gets the prize. You ever see the peacock off around the corner chillin' get the peahen? Nooooo, she picks the one buying for her attention the most. Not to say we want a stalker or anything that extreme, we just want a guy who wants to be by our side, otherwise: Out of sight, Out of mind!

As for me, absence makes the heart grow fonder ONLY once the heart is involved. Otherwise, keep it pushin'

Vision Quest Lesson #1

My opinion on "Love"

I want the kind of love I had when I was young before baggage and expectations. I know it is all aound us, but at this age, we tend to either commit before we know it's right or not commit when it is right! There's got to be a better formula, don't ya think???

The Rouse

Pleasure on the rise
Dionysious' pride
He's loving me uncontrollably
It's the softer side
Of prodded rage growing wild
Try and run and hide
Silly child this ain't no game
It'll only multiply and divide
Words like serendipity and rapture collide
Moments swept away in a pied piper tease
Wake violently to approach
Working in rythm and stride

~Nichole Leigh 10/2007

What I hate about Seattle people

So I've been a runner in Seattle for some time and recently hopped back onto my bike for my main source of transportation. What really gets me, REALLY gets me is the effin fairweather Seattleites that use the damn trails and such. I mean, it used to make me bonkers when I was training 6-9 miles a day running Greenlake from Oct-Dec 31 in whatever weather soggy Seattle used to choose to throw at me. Then come Resolution frenzied January firsters, I could hardly move amongst the cattle (literally). I would bemoan it and try my best to gazelle by them knowing in my heart in 2 weeks they'd trickle-off to the manageable few that had to prove their point to coworkers and spouses they could keep their resolve. Even they would drop off before February and I'd have my path to myself and the other serious & RESPECTFUL path pounders.

So the past few weeks have been just as lonesome on the 'ol Burke-Gillman. Just us diehards doing the damn thing. I saw the same folks out tearing it up with me during the hail/snow/rain event a few days ago while the feighnt at heart rolled cozily protected by their ton-o-metal along Montlake. God forbid they should entertain the utter existence of the old BG. But oooooh now that the sun comes out, another story. I'm back dodging rude fairweather chic wannabe bicycle messengers and bleached and tanned co-eds that have absolutely no path etiquette whatsover and I cut my leg on my pedal, bruised the hell out of my left hip, and managed to mash my pristine phone into mud. All for trying to compensate for their ineptness.

So maybe I'm selfish, maybe I just want a little props for being a 'REAL' pather, or maybe I just want a place to bitch because I hurt myself rather than roll over a clueless undergrad. But there you have it. My random vent and complaint on a SERIOUS pet-peeve.
coco