My Monologue

I just wrote my monologue in raw honest prose and delivered without voice over yahoo and gmail. Just so sick of being put on a pedestal. I give away my strenghs without ration or fair price. They carve of the golden outer edges and reveal the raw soul swaying in passion’s pendulum. Sitting high enough still enough alone enough that worship turns into critique.

But you, you thought there was something about me you just had to figure out. You asked enough questions. I know I’m a mess, but I’m sensual intelligent and complex. They wrap their minds about attributes of excellence and turn a blind eye to blemishes and defects. I always give the best up front. But they don’t ration, all that is left is a valley of imperfections. An uphill climb for us to endure is too much of a bother just together so I can recollect assets. Its fractures and scars are baggage they won’t accept. I’m alone again and I learn to breathe again… to love myself… to regain faith. This time I gave him the dark, the ugly

I just want to start off when it’s high knowing the lows so that there’s no struggle uphill. You see the worst of me explicated in brutal humility… the best is all that’s left. If not you, I know I’ll find somebody looking to roll downhill side by side.

35 (grammer school and Kenny Rogers lessons for life)

I met this beautiful, funny, succesful woman the other day. Instantly my grumpy self was sucked into a lively bad-mood squelching conversation like the ones with my best girlfriends. I was giggling and telling secrets in no time. Maybe because we 'knew of each other' by the public exposure to each other's professional accomplishments. Or maybe she was just one of those likeable and charismatic people that pass through our lives. She might be a real jerk playing "bad cop' but I'd bet the lot that she's all~right.

But for whatever reason, we talked about personal things we (grown women) usually try to hide from casual aquaintences. Anyhow, she shared with me that she spent her 35th bithday having a great time. But inspite, she couldn't stop crying. "What's wrong with me? I've never felt emotional about aging before!"

In my newly 37 year old wisdom, I said it's normal.

35 is worse than forty because no one makes a big deal about it, but it sucker punches each one of us at precisely 35. You heard about 40, so you're ready for climbing over the hill. Plus, even if you don't keep yourself up, you get ego strokes about how amazing you are to be forty. No one wants to upset a woman on the verge of menopause. Compliments are abundant. 40 isn't so bad.

So what's so bad about 35? We should have seen it coming because we learned about it in second grade math. WITH 5, YOU ALWAYS ROUND UP. Up until 34, we were still closer to 20's than 40's! But that damn "rule of 5" just thrust us into 40!!! BUT I"M NOT READY! Wait, just give me more time!

All I can say now is: don't let 35 get to you. I had no better option than to decide (after a couple of good tear-sessions) that it was gonna be alright. Like the awkward teens, 35 goes away. By 36, if you're smart you tidy up the mes that 35 left and you donate all that old baggage to charity. Relief sets in and soon you're feeling you're prime. You stop worrying about pleasing others and really get to know yourself.

Like I always say, "I'm the grass in the back yard, I get cut time after time... but I grow back more lush everytime. And besides: the slap of 40 would hurt a helluva lot worse without the eye-opener called "35"

When you accept aging you accept yourself, flaws and all.

Today a new friend asked me what I was all about. It was all suspicious, something about me wasn't right. It wasn't the first time I've been accused of having a big secret. I've been called an enigma more times than I have toes. It used to bother me, that everyone had to figure me out. I confuse myself all the time. If I don't understand, how can I explicate to another? But confusion aside, I traded ego for honesty and it dawned on me that laying out in the beginning could save us both heartache and time. I told him who I was. Honestly WHO I WAS. It was stunning in it's simplicity. I am who I am. I am always trying to improve. No skelatons here baby! I exposed. I gave the facts. If anything, good or bad about me that got me to 35 was unacceptable, knowing now is priceless because now would be the time to exit. Nothing gained, nothing lost.

By accepting 35 with grace and dignity I could see who I was through my OWN eyes. I was able to forgive, let go, learn, and grow. I was free to understand what I wanted, and confident to accept nothing less. We win, we lose. I know reward necessitates risk. I never had a good poker face, so why try? I like my hand I've been dealt (BECAUSE IT'S MINE) and it's now up to you to hold or fold.

Attraction

January 10, 2008 - Thursday


Attraction
Instant and effortless
Dopamine dictates. I have no choice
It's not temptation
It's too late. I tasted. Not ice cream this time
I feel it as my mind tries to wrap itself around and calm
Pleasure's scent intoxicates will power

Attraction
Senses alive
School girl thoughts dance anxiously
Seducing libido into love-making
Until sweat and pleasure's oil intertwine
I'll sleep in passion's electric blanket
And recover body then mind
Return into pragmatic bachelor-ette
Control that waits patiently
To take the wheel again and drive.....

Watching out for numero uno

January 2, 2008 - Wednesday


Misunderstanding (added a side of back-atcha)

If you ever get to listen to Genesis's "Duke" from 1980. Take special note of "Misunderstanding"

It's sad.
It's honest
It's hopeful...

But it shouldn't be. This poor guy just wants to know the truth. But she just pulled the rug from under him. Sucker-punched him. Call it whatever you will, he just wanted the truth. No 'lead me on' when she should have said 'let it go'

Yes, our world is just as ugly now, maybe worse. There are more devices to tease and falsify than young Peter Gabriel could have dreamed of. More ways to be dishonest because we don't have the courage to tell it like it is. Some say they are being nice, letting you down easy... from the crash of a relationship ending, a job lost, or worse. Others are just trying to keep you hanging unknowingly as they search for your replacement. Pretty good way for them to not feel even a slight tailwind of the blow they are about to serve you. Doesn't take a physicist to know that YOU will be getting the full force of this wallup! But if we all just had honor and settled things with gunfights at high noon and the sting of "it's not working out" instead of the stab of being played a fool where even hindsight was blind. What happened to having the ethics and balls to let people know there's a problem and give the choice to stay and work at making a failing situation improve, or to move on with their dignity intact... Maybe if we did, we wouldn't have to become jaded and join the Enrons of the world. Sink to the likes of sneaks and spineless souless disapointments that have nothing left of honesty and empathy.

Poor guy, and he isn't even an ass to her. He just tries to hold on to what's left of his dignity and call it a "misunderstanding"

As for me... don't worry, I'm a little more perceptive (or perhaps cynical) and those spidey senses were tingling so I did some of my (yes, I used to work for an attorney AND participated in the "Ethics Bowl" in college) own 'discovery and I'm ready for this one. When the punch is thrown...

I have that wonderful armour called: 'taste of your own medicine' or even better, 'karma hurts if you've done dirty'



And that is gonna HURT... but not me ;)

love to you all.... Listen to Genesis

Jeopardy

Jeopardy is a bitch. It seems like it sneaks up on you like that 5 pounds you slap on around the holidays. You knew the consequences of your actions, but you still ate your second helping and yet another piece of Christmas fudge. Suddenly you turn around and realize how easily your ass expanded into that size 8 you worked all summer to throw away.

It's like that at your job. You can be rolling along pleasing the man then one day, one report is late and BAM! -you're in jeopardy.

The worst one is in a relationship. You find someone who you adore, you want him to feel like a king because he makes you laugh, feel safe, and pleases you in every way. When you really love someone he takes you so high every moment you are with him and every second you're not. Then one day you just snap for no real reason and you feel like shit because you're just downright mean. Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's sabatauge. Or even possibly preemptive measures coming from intuition of the relationship's demise. Or something human like 'taking it out on the one you love the most'. Whatever it is, you're at your worst and that loving man has to see the ugly side of you. You feel like you've put yourself into jeopardy and there's nothing that can fix it but time. If you're lucky, you've got a good man who knows how to love you when you're right AND when you're wrong. But if you're like me you avoid this aweful thing that is jeopardy by avoiding love. Kinda dumb to cut off your nose to spite your face, but at least I admit I'm a chicken sh*t.

Posted by Cocoalove (Flexwriter) on December 31, 2006 - Sunday at 9:19 PM:
Ohhhh you hit on it big time! Yah, we all make mistakes here and there -- and then sometimes the meanie girl comes out with the one two punch. I feel ya. Just remember though, the best part of it is when y'all make up. So go make up and throw a little um um um into it, ya know? It'll be aiight.

Miss Eve:
When you're working hard only just to stay out of jeopardy, the human glitch snaps in... think it's called error. Lol. Here's to a new year with much much less of that!
Posted by Miss Eve on January 1, 2007 - Monday at 12:13 PM

my architect

my architect

perspective

it doesn't feel natural when you first learn how to draw in perspective.
a little mathmatic and a little artistic
makes those lines seem skewed
...until it's finished
how natural it feels now!
all you have to do is trust during the process
of building PERSPECTIVE
trust requires :: letting go

the past two weeks
I had to gain perspective
friends :: family :: love :: life
closed my eyes and drew the lines
that needed to be drawn.
didn't feel right for a second
but I didn't fight
and now it all makes sense
perfect marriage between peace + needs + drive
I let a lot go
and when it was all done,
what matters was still there
in beautiful perspective.

and now, I am
Frank Lloyd Wright

Fire & Honey Carnival Ride

Disinterest is dancing with desire
This little Sag likes walking on fire
Her feet are not quite as soft
But lover she's smoothe as silk
Better stay away if you aint ready to get caught
Gonna be your obsession forever
If she takes you in for just one night
Don't think you bought her
Just cuz you paid the price
You just got a ticket to ride

Keep a cool head
Build her a hearth
So she don't burn wild
Keep her at a smolder, steam, or flame
But don't play a game
Or stay away for too long
Heat like that needs to be fed to stay strong
And passion feeds her like oxygen
Try takin control, better think again
Give her what she needs
Let her fly high but keep her in sight
And she'll come back every time
Like that crazy carnival ride

She gets the honey outta the hive
Scent of cotton candy got you open wide
Sugar crystals burn on every sweet flame
You haven't ever been so high
Schoolboy dreams coming alive
Over on the other side
Of those rows of white picket lines
Just a little freak for your own private show
Volatile fire calls you across every time
And this one's a hell of a ride

Skinned My knee

My head was in those clouds again
I should have paid attention
cuz sometimes I slip and fall in love
Skin my knees and get myself a dizzy head
Hope only silence saw, brush off and keep moving straight ahead
I crossed that line in a lifetime's instant
Set a fury of passion free when I gave consent
And love's stains marked my heart
like initials carved in the skins of that proud tree
We'll make love beneath a lazy shade
And maybe this time we can set Eden free

Love happened to me again
I don't know how or when
No use in hiding this time
I'm gone and already on the ride

Betcha they won't notice cuz my love is not the usual brand
I take my time and stitch it by hand
And I can't seem to put a label on it.
I remember the day you crashed into my life
On the run from some old fight
We didn't care what was waiting at home that night
Intoxicating me with grace and freedom
Turns my blind eye to what you were running from,
You only knew my solace would be your bride
Love fog opaque hiding what's inside
This city takes it's breath from love's long sweet exhale
Bodies lost in pied piper song
But we both know we gotta move to keep this thing strong
So we'll run together like shots ahead of the chase
Today's high is so good, can't see withdrawl's pain
And morning's love hangover don't matter tonight
Can't remember how it took me almost all day to get right
Maybe next time but I can't leave you today
With only an agnostic prayer for the strength to turn away
I've already paid the price
In my heart I knew I was lost from the very first bite
And Eden will be our orchard every night

Quantum Love Girl 2

I love the fire you ignite inside my body and mind
Stealing free rides on passion's high
You are an addiction beyond white lines, green firewood, an' Skyy-Blu bottles
I've never been so alive
But baby, I know each night with you
Pushes me over the line
I can't leave but you dose me to the edge of life
I'm flying on faith
Cuz they always told me if it's too good, it can't be right.
If this is a path to destruction, heaven must be one hell of a ride

I've turned to quantum life, a shift of paradigm
Makes me feel so good to just be confused and ride the tide
Tired of forcing society's blueprint to overide the ocean in my mind
Confusion only comes from making right feel wrong
You've made this thing so damn simple
And their's is all contrived

If passion has to hide,
Words like "volatile" become my crime,
I'll be Schrödinger's cat that they'll never find
And our fire can feed even water's life

paint in chiaroscuro, showing visual emotion..... a series

I'm beginning to see continuity. I've been wanting to paint a series of works that represented emotion as it is in the inside, the feeling to the outside, the visual. I have been working and reworking for some time. I'm seeing a pattern of chiaroscuro (light on dark contrast) and it stirs an overwhelming response about emotion in my dearest companions. Up close, subtleties come to life. From afar, dark emerges

Duality and compliment
In dark and light
Whole, no saturation
Like apple before the juice

I'm flowing into a
simple state
the gallery's pride and joy
look at blood from the outside

Portraits like love and pain pulled so much
From inside to travel from mind to life
with strokes absent evaluation
and without consent

They're talking through constant traveled roads
That clear shiny black asphalt
fearlessly holding the hand of
grasses who still embrace the snow

The yin and yang
I work out on each canvas
will blend and divide like charges coming from the heart
in a dance of black & white

dark inside, outdside light
the product of soul's emote gently slips out of subltle confines
or sees the need to violently escape
If you look with soulful eyes, it's never less than beautiful

Dark flows into light
and back just the like, day into night
I painted life to free temperment
that tantrically embodies sweet placid reserve