Remembering you, Madame VanZanten. You touched my soul

For those of you who knew her, she was the most intriguing complexity and intrigue that ever blessed the sleepy hollow town that fed my formative years. She gave culture and discipline. Hated by the weak at mind, revered by the free.

Rest in peace.

Past coming into present, leaking into the future
Confusing the natural tendency to lean towards sense and order
How few acknowledge we are chasing the dragon
If logic rules and eradicates,
Why is the inductive the root of all haste?
Dreams, love, future, forgiveness, freedom...
All loose change of life that can never become that almighty dollar.
When will we see what we seek is organic
It has no rules, no regulation, no guarantees
The only thing consistent is birth life death
Yet it seems to be what feeds life into the umbilical cord called hope
Subsistance reciprocates dependance

I feel a tad out of place these days.
I'm staring at those I hold dear
Watching the struggle between the heart and the mind
I feel like I'm being guided by the soul of that blessed teacher.
Certainement madame, s'il vous plait. Je voudrais de l'embrace commes des vous
Freshman child looking into the intensity of her eyes
Some moments
Some souls
Penetrate and open your mind to truth
As never told but honered the path I would have to take
I learned the day I looked into her wise eyes intoxicating me with passion for elements outside that fed my passion within
That she told me something on a higher level
I had to let passion guide
Without, I'd be led astray
Find art, philosophy, and honest expression of the body and mind
Find life
That is love
Nothing more
Nothing less
Love

4 days... my drug

I've been painting for 4 days.
Up till four every night
Sorta feel like a snowstorm hit my body and I didn't have the sense to go inside.
Nowhere to go but the 2 foot door into someone's mind.

I'm that little red balloon
that the boy chases all over London
So precious
He just has to have it.
More because it's always out of reach

But all I'm doing is chasing the outer limits of the atmosphere
Don't know why
It's just a means to an end
So far into my own head

But art makes me so high
and noone can make me stop
except myself
and today I realized I'm outta control

I miss the snow (revised)

Remember last year, that night you drug me out in the snow?
I knew something was right when you told me it was gonna be fine, you just had to see me
And the plans were so divine
I felt the passion in those intoxicating eyes, pulling me inside while they entertained
I smiled as your face couldn't hide distaste at each Parisian dish you tried
But lover you only wanted me satisfied
Do you remember lover how you never gave up on pursuing me?
I couldn't hide from the pleasure stories your eyes told me you could provide

That one slushy day in November

I felt a dizzy warmth in the thought that you might just break through
Into the soul I tried to consign
And pulse back a beat
I drove away with sugar icicles warming my body
The scent of you in my hair
Longing coming alive
I drove back to him
When I hit the bridge to the West side
That still connected me to you
and the city you called our playground
But on the verge of him
and our paper doll life
I slammed on my brakes
My sensible cabin became a snow sled spinning 360
but I didn't care
I knew I was still in your arms
And someday I'd clear away the fog
I slid sideways for what seemed a lifetime
Calm as I neared the edge
towering over the Duwamish
my ride came to a euphoric end inches from the rail
Sitting alone and still on the bridge that carries droves
of ants into the city for the grind
The night stood still
and bright
No one came for what seemed a lifetime
I knew my life woud change

I drove over to him.
To tell him
Sublime
To let me go

He must have felt it from me somewhere deep inside
Just like a dog he swallowed down the scent of my fear
A weak and enticing potency tellig him we would eventually die
Igniting hostility strong enough to silently chew me up and throw me aside over paiinful time as I tried
He left me out to die, where you patiently stood waiting
to collect me and guide me back to my life
and gave yin for his yang
Only you coud replace assault with sanctity
Now, I can embrace the snow10/16
Convinced "it'll be all right"

Undergarments of my life

Undergarments of my life

Maintaining control

what an oxymoron.

How can any sensible person believe maintenance of a conceptual state that is purely ruled by interprestion be possible?


I'm an educated woman. I've seen a chunk of the world. I've had my share of experiences.

Yet I can't say I know very much. The more I learn, the more I realize I know very little.

Maybe this is in left field, but here goes:

Science::
The conscious mind shows what needs to be seen.
It's all a very slick user interface if you think about it
The subconscious stores away all the data of our experience.
We build our characters, motives, desires from the entirety
But we look back to give homage to experiences creating the end result
Or draw conclusions of how we got from A to B based on what's left in the memory banks.
Underneath... not-so-pretty files fold over and into one another

I think it's ok.
I am one of the fortunate ones that chooses to see beauty
I know all of that other stuff is there
I know it is equally integral in my totality
But I choose to pull from experience
Beauty
Love
Passion
Kindness

Art::
To look at as the portrait of my life
Everything else is there
Like the rabbit skin glue
Or the gesso
Or the foundational strokes
They give the texture, paint and linseed a strong home to rest
So that the beauty builds with every layer.
Every mix of pigment
Every cut with the palate knife.

What you see outside will be there for lifetimes to come in reverie
Underneath, the base lays strong and proud
Forgotten
Steady in it's love for the paint it preserves
That is beauty,
That is love.

I love all that has made me who I am

1:17 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

He's learning that not everything pleasurable and fulfilling is love

October 14, 2007 - Sunday
Learning that not everything pleasurable and fulfilling is love

I am not in love with you.
I am your fantasy
I take my cues from your desires
Don't fear my love,
I will never be more than you can handle.

I will fulfill your curiosities
Pure hedonism in its highest form.
But please don't run my love
You created me, you alone guide me
The mind
Controls me
Not the heart,
So you need not worry I will bring you pain or fear.

Like the novel that carried you to exotic lands
Or the film that drew you to weep tears of joy
I'm there for you
Until the lights come up and bindings close around the final page.

But I will linger in your soul
Until desire draws you to the sequel my love.
Created by the mind, but resting lovingly in the heart.
I will not bring discontent when our story ends

Pro-Hedonism

October 6, 2007 - Saturday



Current mood: Remebering feeling love stoned
Category: Love stoned Romance and Relationships

**Excuse any typos, I chose not to edit this for fear of editing content and taking the passion out of it

Do you ever wonder why we have certain standards? Specifically in matters of "love & sex"

I mean, I GET the whole "consistency" thing. It's very convenient and has oodles of merits.

But there are some of us (I assume it's just some cuz everyone seems to be buying into the norm) who don't want it like myself. I can't seem to live with it, and flat out reject it!!!

So it boils down to this: relationships. we are always in them, like it or not. All of our interactions are relationships even if for only one night. so why is it that people like to put a label, status, or contract to them? I'm not saying boundaries can;t be set and commmitments made if two mutually agree. Honestly, we are big blobs of thinking matter constantly seeking nourishment for growth. Sex and intimacy is no different. Just as one seeks and desires food, they also seek physical pleasures. These two elements feed the body and the heart. So why is it acceptable for folks to have diverse palates, different times of eating,varying amounts, and a wealth of preferences when we are told nourishment in the form of intimacy has to follow EVERYONE ELSE'S GUIDELINES. Why does our passion have to always be on a diet, or commanded by a nutritionist. Sure, some ways of eating can kill me just as some ways of making love can kill me. But most people know how to avoid severe demise in all of their consumption, so why not allow freedom in the consumption of passion.

Some of us have a lot more of it than others, just like muscle mass. We need to feed our passion more vigorously than those with less.

I don't want marriage. I don't want a man to live with me. Unless, that is, it feels right for the right reasons. For example (imagine, don't assume this is true) I told my last boyfriend that I never wanted these things and it seemed as though it became his crusade to convince me I had to have it. I almost fell for it, but I met my now love during our year and a half coexistence. But I started to fall for the dream the first one sold, even though neither of us wanted it, at least not with each other. I almost let the second one go. Story ends in utter tyranny as both of us snap to our senses. I felt inspiration in poetry, philosophy, passion, music, metaphors, desire, and oh so many "big things" while he found inspiration in stability, calm, and roots. I needed to fly and treated nostalgia as a beautiful means to self-discovery. He held strong to it, reliving it as best he could. Two people who bonded over nostalgia, yet completely different in the end with a complete different value placed on the nostalgia.

So, imagine he does his best to convince her to think the way he does but he falls in love instantly with a more qualified wife. She's set aback, mostly out of hurt ego and frustration at the stupidity of almost being sold the lake-front property in the desert. She (I) return to my other lover that blesses me every day with passion and inspiration. I start to believe in myself again. I start to love myself again. How is it that when I was in what society told me was the "right" situationlf according to standards, I was unhappy and lost myself? With my lover, we experience hedonism, mutual faith, pure honesty, and unconditional giving. Yet we will never marry and procreate. We wander from time to time and experience another, but we always return to one another. I know it isn't forever, but if we we ran into each other in old age and alone: I honestly could see us broken and rickety running off on fascinating adventures long beyond when Viagra works, or even wanted. Yet we will never give each other what you all think we "need" but we will always fulfill and satisfy each other beyond any expectation.

Why does the second relationship sound so much more appealing to me? Am I crazy, or am I the only one who places John Stuart Mill's Utilitarianism into play when it comes to matters of the heart. See, I seek pleasure. Not at the expense of others, but for general gain. If the two of us are happy, it doesn't hurt anyone, but it assures two less miserable people in this world.

I don't seek to fit my heart into a box confined by rules. I just want to let it give love and let another do the same. No rules.

Just something to think about.

Currently listening :
Justify My Love
By Madonna

1:16 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

This country is not for old people, Avril Lavigne told me so

September 15, 2007 - Saturday

That beezy Avril Lavigne
Damn her.
I woke up early for a Saturday morning and came downstairs to turn on the telly. I'm really DIGGing my new harman/kardon surround sound. Vh1 sounds like fun...
Then this damn child's video comes on and I :: CRY!
how on Earth is that possible? A little pop star made ME cry! I mean all she had to do was put grandpa in her video crying over the loss of grandma.

this country is not for old people

my dear Italian friend tells me all the time. He worries about growing old here. Noone cares for the elderly. Society is made for and only embraces youth. Alone. Unappreciated. Hurting. Body deteriorating and the respect of those you built a world for waning. Yelled at because your mind won't work quickly enough in the grocery line. Abused. Embarrassed at your conscious state being reduced to wearing diapers again. Boring the teens and twenties with your stories, yet you put yourself through it anyways because you need the human contact.

My biggest fear is being alone when I'm in that lonely world of old age.
All I can hope for is a partner by my side.
And Avril showed me today that even that can be taken away....

7:09 AM - 3 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Art :: Life

September 8, 2007 - Saturday
Art :: Life

I want so many things
I need so little
Like so many others
I need to pause
to evaluate and differentiate

All my needs
sustain me until my end
And in the end

All my wants
Pleasure and satisfy
Like a drug in the now

I'm told to take what I need
and strive for what I want
But somewhere along the way, my lines got crossed
I can't seem to figure out
How taking what I need
does not equal getting what I want

Maybe I'm just that simple.
Maybe all I want is all I need
Is there a difference?

Or possibly I'm just that selfish
I take what I want
paying no heed to the waste beyond my needs

I don't want anything in my life I have not earned
But I need it
Blood
Water
Air
Love
What have I earned of these, if anything?
How pretentious to assume I have
How sophomoric to believe I have not

It's tough being a philosopher
an artist
an accountant

I reconcile
yet I'm abstact

Logic rules
within my ambiguity

And all that's left is me

9:32 PM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

Awareness of the confusion

Awareness

Somewhere along the way I've confused myself.

I know I've been away from reading my dear myspace bloggers and I've undoubtedly been away from writing. I'm sorry. I'm in a very interesting, exciting, and confusing state.

It seems that I am walking through the world in an odd state lately. I feel as though I'm passing through my life lately in a drug-induced numbness without the drugs. I have never felt more sure of who I was and what I wanted. I've never been more secure with myself. But being in this state is far from bliss. It is reality and self-love. It is not glamourous, and far from romantic. Don't get me wrong, this feeling I have is so amazing and powerful! But it is exclusive to myself at the time being. I still have issues with others. Just no longer ignoring issues within myself. I'm having a hard time figuring out how others can fit into my shcematic. Do I even want to fit them in? Like it or not, I know I do.

Can I have room to really love someone else when I have so recently discovered so much self love? Is this the highest form of consciousness? The part where we no longer need others? We no longer WANT others? Please someone tell me the answer.

My last relationship ended, thankly. It was so wrong and unchallenging. I could only bring life into it by partaking in the battles he put infront of me. I mistook the idea of love for being in love. It just didn't work. He told me over and over how aware he was that I was not in love with him. Why did it take so long for me to see?

Men.... oh I looooove MEN!

Men
oooh, men. I love them so.
ladies... u can add 2 the list too loves...

1. one with a voice like Chamillionaire, soft, not too deep with that bass that comes thru every now & then. I like them articulate and even better, a man that pauses to make sure he says it right. A sure way to grab my attention
2. Hip and put-together... but not metro. He puts on lotion after he gets out of the shower so he's nice and smoothe for me later that night
3. a fiery sense of humor. keeps me laughing, entertain my friends, witty bantor back & forth on txt or after a session between the sheets
4. clean cut :: no shaggy / no scooby...
5. that natural smell of a man. the one that stays on his sheets. when i bury my face in them i have to hold my breath so I don't loose it
6. i love his thighs the way he loves the curve of my back.
7. uses terms of endearment like baby, honey, lover, kid, boo...
8. taller than me so i feel like i'm wrapped up in him, but not too tall cuz we have to be able to fit in a bubble bath together
9. confident stride but always soft when he's holding me
10. has a body he takes care of, sexy and athletic
11. compliments my hair or dress in public, but in my ear he whispers "i like the matching set baby, did u go to vicky's for me?"
12. does what he does best just for me, like musicians that play my favorite jazz cut for me over the phone... "baby could you hear that? did u like that?" or a fixit guy that shows me how to fix the surround sound that wasn't done right.
13. men that cook anything from top chef to mean greens . I don't mind if Ramen is his only dish, just as long as he pulled it off just for me
14. a man that dances. dances like he's got something he's gonna show me later
15. doesn't get jealous when i say i love manolo blahnik
16. men that can make out, eat out, and turn out
17. when i see him on the street, he comes up to me, says my name, touches the ends of my hair and kisses me in front of my friends...
18. passionate about politics, mentoring, and intelligence because men are strong when they are soft. But never without an open mind.
19. respects women because his momma raised him right.
20. hands that don't let me take control.
21. Knows that I'm a real woman with a little girl side from time to time
22. loves my body even though it's not just like Pamela's or Miss December's
23. starts the foreplay as soon as the appetizers come
24. men with nice breath even after drinking scotch
25. men that can kiss, suck and bite on my neck without leaving a trace
26. nice ass with jeans that sit just above the curve showing an inch or two of those boxers, always with a belt. pressed is even better...
27. One that can get by in any setting and never whines or sulks
28. He can talk dirty to me in all the right ways

Comments:

i love it... i'm adding two more...
29. can give me a look from across the room, a sexual look, letting me know it's going to be on when we get home... or even in the car...
30. men that make sure they walk on the curb side of the sidewalk; always a turn on for me to know that he's a gentleman
Posted by Love is not an Action...It's an Ability on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 6:55 PM

horny old women ;P
Posted by *JoE sez: stop savin my pics to your harddrive ;P on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 7:17 PM

OH, you love it and you know it!
Read it like a manual baby, and you'll make any woman....love you! ;)
Posted by Claire on July 3, 2007 - Tuesday at 12:27 PM

Trust me already one of my specialties ;P
Posted by *JoE sez: stop savin my pics to your harddrive ;P on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 2:40 PM

what? and horny ol me!! what are YOU talkin bout?>??????
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 10:19 PM

Ohhh don't get me started ...
30. Texts me so sensual all day long that I can't wait to be all over him when I get in.
31. Comes up behind me and whispers in my ear when I least expect it.
32. Cleans up soo well ...
33. Finishes off my lyrics ...
34. Knows how I like my coffee in the morning.
Posted by Cocoalove (Flexwriter) on July 2, 2007 - Monday at 11:42 PM

Nice.....
How about...men who makes you feel like you're Number 1, anticipate your needs, like you're the queen, so you make him your king....
Another great blog.
Posted by Bunny on July 3, 2007 - Tuesday at 12:27 AM

oh yes, that feeling...baby you know that should have been my #1 on the list!
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on July 3, 2007 - Tuesday at 3:24 AM

Haha! Here's one... A man thats misleading... In a GOOD way. You meet him and he comes off as a sweet heart, a saint, couldn't hurt a fly... And he is all of that.... Until he gets in you bed and gives it to you in a way that haunts you.
a way that when you are focused at work, at your desk; you get a flash back that sends shivers up and down and you can't help but go BRRRRR.. mmm hmm!
Intense an gentle at the same time.... Mentally, spiritually, oh and physically.
Posted by Tanyeezy on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 7:44 PM
Gotta be secure. Doesn't give afuck about what THEY think about him. THEY being those unfortunate to never understand a real understanding. Ladies, if and when you find a man that you can say what you feel to him whether alone or around his peoples, a man that you can stand in front of in any angle butt naked with all the lights on despite YOUR insecurities and know by the way he looks at you that he KNOWS not thinks you are beautiful, a man that fantazises about you after he's had you countless times..... I'm just sayin...
Posted by Tanyeezy on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 8:29 PM

OOOhhh, LADIES feel me on this...a man that's man enough to cry with ya and STILL be HOOD enough to step up to any man and say "SHE'S WIT ME PLAYA, SO STEP BACK HOMIE!"
A man that fit's the curve of your frame so well, it scares you, as if the two of you are Adam and Eve reincarnated!
A man that knows that if he touches you there that half his job is done and it's only matter of saying when..."WHEN BABY!!!"
Posted by MeAnge on July 4, 2007 - Wednesday at 7:57 PM