I would have made a good Greek

The Greeks felt living with random, changing, seemingly inconsistent, undefined and unmeasured aspects of human life and the world, essentially the Greek word chaos, was equivalent to living in a state of constant anxiety.

Last night, I was telling someone I was very worried. I was describing that there was no rational reason for it, but there was this feeling in my gut of impending doom. A lot of negative things have happened around me the last 4 days, particularly the past 24 hours. Things not necessarily related to me, but things that I am aware of or nearby. Pan out to the past month and the horrific things happening with racism, sexism, and violence, I question the reasons why. In my own need to feel order, purpose and measure I search deep inside to answer that question "why". I was contemplating there was something very negative going on in the world that all of this is building up to. My own way in placing order to it all by replacing chaos with a pattern. I have this need to search for a "kosmos" in the way the Greeks had.

In relation to my own piece of this world, my gut is telling me something is problematic. I cannot get past this nagging feeling that there is something terribly wrong. Of course it's pretty egocentric to think that this chaos would zoom in and focus somehow on me, but for some reason, I can't shake the feeling.

My current, but soon to be past bf told me last night to avoid my "gut" feeling because the mind has the ability and power to turn those feelings into a self fulfilled prophecy.

I still feel the need for further analysis to make sense, good or bad of the world around me and my own human life. Even if I am able to grasp at a pattern of measure for the chaos, at the least, I will have made sense of it all.

In light of recent goings on in the media

I really respect Tupac Shakur aka 2Pac if you didn't know.:: gone for over a decade and the man's words still apply to things going on today.
a man in the midst of the gangsta and ghetto mentality, trying to make a change for not just his own people, but all of us.

I'm offended. I'm a woman for one. Secondly, I've struggled and overcome poverty and hardship to put myself through college. I can't see the reason to judge someone for the color of their skin, nap of their hair, or whatever genetilia the fathering sperm of a child decided for him/her to develop into.

I also understand that as long as people are contributing to the image; ex: rappers degrading their own people, and worse, their sisters, mothers and daughters, we will never be free from bigotry. People that are bigots think they can say anything racist or sexist they like and use the excuse "but their own people did it first in rap music" to hide behind others so noone will see the shame of their actions.

As Tupac cites, we have to ask a people, not as minorities, women, or otherwise non-alpha folks build strength within ourselves by saying enough is enough. I won't participate. I won't accept.

Read these lyrics and think about the message. Apply it to yourself in your daily interactions. Nothing changes if we all stay the same, so I urge each one of us to put forth the effort. And if some of you still think rap is degrading or meaningless, you're hopelessly lost in the world of generalizing.

Pollyanna isn't so bad

Today is a very happy day for me. Yesterday was a bit overwhelming, but through the course of it I was able to see something about myself I was completely unaware of and set some goals for myself:
~My feelings are always valid, but the way I treat others as a result of those feelings isn't always valid.
~Seeking the positive in every situation no matter how grave it appears is my new goal for the way I walk through this life.
~Fear is like a parasite, if it gets in, it can take over a healthy being and turn it into a mess. I don't want to let my fears control me and turn me into a negative person.
I still love the people I love. I hope you all are interested in walking beside me in my path to become a better person. It may not always be a smoothe one, but I'm on my way nonetheless.
UPDATE********Holy cow! I went out to lunch today with a friend after posting this blog and here's what my fortune says:
"You will be transforming a situation in your life now with a positive attitude"
Wow, I'm speechless.

My five year plan

I've often wondered what the point of making a five year plan is? Really, there are so many variables that one can never account for. So many people that we need to factor in or out of our plan that refuse to give any indiaction of whether you fit into THEIR five year plan. So many opinionated bosses and co-workers that "are never going to change" or obnoxious neighbors, etc. So how can we bank on anything outside of ourselves.

I was asked today where I want to be in five years. I know exactly where I want to be, with whom and doing what. The problem is, I can't divulge that information because I have no idea if it will pan out or not so I have tho keep it all hypotheical and proverbial. I end up perpetuating the pattern that blocks the ironing out of my plan. I'll admit, I'm affraid to be the first to publish my plan. I wish I had the cahones of Rosa Parks and MLK, but I'm just another chicken-sh*t afraid to make the first move in the name of change. Although you all think I'm an open book, the river that is Nichole runs deep and even those closest to me don't really know what I want. I like it better that way, because what I want and what I'll get may be two different things and I'd rather not have egg on my face.

What is this thing "LOVE" that you speak of?

How do you define love? (Romantic love, I mean)
My current, but always ever-changing definition is this:
Love to me is caring deeply, intimacy/attraction, friendship, comfort with the person, trust, and bonding through common interests. The willingness to weather the storm, and pick up the pieces and rebuild when it subsides
Let me know your 2 cents!

Comments:

I agree with your list, but add respect!
Posted by Ms. Karen on January 20, 2007 - Saturday at 9:58 AM

yea i think its some stuff missing just that stuff alone doesnt seem to keep a lot of people around lol
Posted by *JoE sez: stop savin my pics to your harddrive ;P on January 20, 2007 - Saturday at 9:30 PM

so where's your addition?
Posted by nichole leigh :: photographer on January 20, 2007 - Saturday at 10:13 PM

my 2 cents to add would be you can't explain it fully EVER or you've never experienced it fully.
Posted by kiraannbaby© [janee] on January 20, 2007 - Saturday at 10:16 AM

Romantic love is fleeting ... I give up. Sorry hun.
Posted by Cocoalove (Flexwriter) on January 20, 2007 - Saturday at 11:02 PM

Quoting billy corgan I think it was who sang it.. "love..it's who you know"; of course lots of people probably have said it.. than there's also strapping young lads thought: Loooove....is the way I feel. that's kind of other peoples 2 cents that I agree with.. so to make it my 3 cents (cuz 3 is better than two) love is something that is most noteably recognized by putting each other through hell and than coming though that hell and having a stronger realtionship because of it...yep.
Posted by jAh~"who";;3k (Df)(Docd) on January 22, 2007 - Monday at 10:55 PM

Love (to me) has no description. There's no need to try to describe it, because it's a feeling. Feelings come in varying degrees. You can love something, but find disgust in it later, then find love with something else that is SO much stronger than your love for that first person. It's indescribable. However, I do have a very good description for true love. I heard it in either a movie or some television show, but still find it to be a very good description of 'true love', but not just 'love'. True Love: finding the counterpart of your soul in another person. 'Love' is used to describe your feelings on many things, not just people. 'True Love' is something completely different, as it is only used to describe your feelings for another person. Hope that helps a little....probably not, but that's just my take on this subject
Posted by Zack P. on January 24, 2007 - Wednesday at 4:14 PM

Here: Deep Poetic

Not a glutton so I know when I don't need anymore
None of that.
I'm good, I got it all inside.
Creativity is the fire
Dose on that all night
With a fever of ninety-nine degrees on my wall
And oiled brushes staining canvas like lovers' sheets
Method is my style
Control cock blocks my flow
And I'm intent on getting what's mine

Hanging on is a means to an end
Activates self-destruction
Go-on. Turn a blind eye
Only thing I'm gonna leave is:
'Wondering why'
I know it hurts them
To see me in this state
Where chaos and order make love day and night
In Exodus they all excuse themselves
Cutting losses
Taking comfort in hindsight

There's paradox in tragedy
They bathe in blood sweat and tears cuz I'm
Succeeding in pushing every last one outta my life.
Take the left AND the right just leave without a fight.
Some of em try and stay.
Weathering sub-tropic storms
That surround my life
Rewarded pain as a prize when they come along for the ride
I paint Gilligan's Island for 'em
Start dolling out refunds in no time

Hanging on is a means to an end
Activates self-destruction
Go-on. Turn a blind eye
Only thing I leave you is
Wondering why
I know it hurts
To see me in this state
Where chaos and order make love day and night
So follow as
They all excuse themselves
Cutting losses
Taking comfort in hindsight

But you.
You are still here.
Long after the linseed and oil have dried
And I used all the ashes to texturize
Beauty from the fury that destroyed
Without subsitance to keep itself alive.
Here. Reading braille when I'm blind.
You let me struggle, fail and compliment my life
Making love in copulas that bind
Got me wanting to stick around
Maybe, this time

one of those days

some days are better than others. some days just start off odd and you know by the way you wake up that it isn't going to be the best, not even close!

so you decide waking up that you didn't wake up soon enough to get the good "laying in bed thinking time" that you needed, your neck is stiff, and you waited far too long to drink your first cup of coffee and you're doomed to a headache for the rest of the day.

yep, it's one of those days for me. i'm certainly unavoidably irritated by everyone and everything. nope, no polyanna nichole this day. i tried my hardest to make the best out of each part of my day, but it just wasn't happening. i give. i surrender.

hope tomorrow turns out better.

Ugly

December 26, 2006 - Tuesday
Ugly


You took what you wanted.
Your pleasure in the midst of her pain.
If you see tears in a woman's eyes
You know you've cut her deep inside

Sex isn't always love
And love isn't always sex
This is selfish lust
That feeds your loins and destroys her soul.

She won't say a word
She's afraid she brouht it on
In his sick mind, there was consent
Because she didn't fight

But what was the point?
He wasn't going away
His face gnarled like vomit
As he climaxed

Now she can't hide from the image
That plays over in her mind
She can't hide from herself
Because he's etched in her mind.

8:47 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove

What do YOU want from me?

Everybody wants something from the people they are near or communicate with. Sometimes though, people don't want to admit to that person what it is they want from him/her. They are either hiding something, embarrassed, scared, or just plain shy. Everyone wants something from the people we are with, whether it be companionship, love, entertainment, advice, ego strokes, friendship, etc.

The trouble is, most people don't ask for what they want from you. They just hang out until they get it and when they aren't getting it, they either adapt or go away. Worse yet is when they get it and skate leaving you feeling like a victim of a slick swindle.

The other day a friend called that I don't talk to very often and the conversation just went limp. I kept thinking, what do you want from me? You keep calling and we never have anything to say. If it's such an effort to pull out words., how can we relate? So all that's left is: what does she WANT?

Last night, a casual friend called and asked if I could go have a drink. The whole time we were together, I kept wondering to myself, "What do you want from me?" I'm pretty sure I had it figured out, but I just couldn't understand the point. Have I just become so incredibly jaded that I assume everyone's motives long before I give them the chance to prove their integrity?

I wonder when someone wants to start a friendship, why? I mean it all made sense when I was younger and thought everyone was genuine and we were exploring and finding what we wanted in life. But why at our age seek out new friends? I am suspicious that this new person has failed miserably at friendship. What else could it be? If THEY are so great, they should have sufficient people to fill their lives and have little room to start a new venture. They would be spreading themselves too thin.

It's easy to see why single men and women would seek each other out, but coupled men and women, what are they seeking in others? What are others seeking in them?

I don't necessarily want you all to think I'm pessimistic. I just want to know. Not to be rude, or get my ego stroked. I just wish I knew. From him and her, and YOU!

Is the bar set too high?

I had a lovely convo with an old friend very recently. It's really a lot to absorb, so I'm going to mull it over publically and let you all in to hear my brain process...

1. I asked him why he wasn't dating anyone. He's smart, funny, adorable, so what gives? He said in a nutshell, he doesn't like anyone. He said that there are certain requirements that one has at thirty-five. Simple things, like, he wants to LIKE the person. Is that too much to ask? That we like the one we are involved with? Is the bar set too high?

2. After laughing myself silly, we talked about sex, friends, friends with benefits, lovers, being in love, breaking up, exes, baggage and then on to the innocent past. I talked about my last three serious relationships and then I just asked simply, why was I so afraid of boys when I was young? In some ways I love men my age and being involved with an intellecually stimulating, witty, beautiful man I can relate to, but there's a part of me that just wonders why I never tried to have a relationship when I was young. If they are so great now, why not then? I think of a handfull of guys back in the day that were my friends and admittadly, attractive. They all have turned out successful and interesting. So what was wrong with dating them back then?

3. We talked on, about things other people don't relate to and our commonalities. We talked about our youth, our experiences together and people from our past. Then suddenly I mentioned a name. THE "name". He litterally dropped and said wow, that's a name that took me back. He told me, man you were so in love with that guy. I didn't know why, but he was right. I spent high school in love with a fantasy of a man that never was or could have been the right person for me. But I liked him. It didn't hurt that he was Gorgeous, but I just simply liked him.

4. I missed out on the experiences I guess most girls have at that age because I set the bar early on that I had to like the guy. No matter about other things, those things terrified me. I just wanted to really like him. I didn't really like anyone in my twenties. I figgured I could get what I wanted dating here and there and just hold out for someone I liked. It seemed to get increasingly difficult as each year passed.

5. Now, the best thing I can say about the people in my life is, that I like them. When we find someone we like, we better just stick with it and appreciate it like Janis Joplin says: "If you got a cat for one day, ...if you want a cat for 365 days, right you aint got him for 365 days, you got him for one day. ...that one day better be your life, man. because, ...you can cry about the other 364, but youre gonna lose that one day, man, and that's all you've got. You gotta call that love."