Figuring Out Love In Ten Steps

When I sought out to find love, I had a concept.

When I searched, I tested.

When I tested. I screwed up, got screwed, and had fun along the way.

While we screwed, I refined and revised

After I refined and revised, I almost gave up.

Instead, I chose to communicate.

When we communicated, we understood.

When we understood, the fear started to subside.

Without fear, I gave.

When I gave, I finally received.

Ken had legs that snap off just like Barbie

I have not written here in years.  Nonetheless, today I am here.

I discovered something recently.

Love. I think I get it finally.  I realized it when I was complaining to my mom about something annoying about my boyfriend.  I knew of course the act of complaining was no different for many as an act of contrition, a cathartic process so to speak.  My beef was just a minor annoyance, not at all anything I can even recall.  Yet, it felt good to let out the vomit that was my irritation. Like the bile you need to rid yourself of.

Dear god almighty, I had no idea my mom was going to perceive this as “trouble brewing” and jump all over the: “he’s a great man, but you deserve better” thing.  I became instantly deaf and upset.  Sure he’s fallible, but aren’t we all?  I mean in all honestly, I’m certain he deserves better as well.  But does this mean we should dump out the baby with the bath water and seek perfection in yet another mate, or should we accept no one is flawless snd embrace the 99% you have?  Yep, I’m going with the latter.  I hope he does too.

Vision Quest # (whatever) If you know me...

I think I want to get married.  It’s the promises you have to keep part I’m ready for.

Hello men and your Madonna complex

Ahh, the Madonna.

So you basicly, shall I say it sweetly? Get turned the fuck out by one woman.  She's hot.  She's sexy.  She's fun.

But you couldn't possibly make her a wife.

Give me a fucking break.  This is why there is a divorce rate of _insert Donald Trump haters or suppoters_ in 2016.

How about this: we follow our hearts, our passions, and our libidos.  It's going to be ok.

People might just surprise you and take care of you.  They aren't all dirty whores.  They aren't all selfish.  They may genuinely care.  They might be ok.

True Joy And How The State Effs It Up

Spending all of my free time spread between frail elders and my youthful teen, I'm feeling slightly emotional.  A feeling I have rarely succumbed to over the past 15 or so years.  You probably know those moments as they always creep out in my writings right here in this limitless weird anonymous world you share with me.

Tonight I almost shed a tear.  "Run at midnight" opened up to me and shared his secret with me: his joy.  It made me feel restless in my wild heart.  I'm so excited that he has finally found what he was looking for.  It made me feel fortunate that I was part of his journey as a friend in watching him find it.  But I'm still sad.  Sad that he's only shared the joy with me; in that his joy is forbidden.  Sad that he hasn't told a soul but me.  I'm reverting to my irritation to the contract of marriage and that people only stay together for finances and the children.

Fuck this! First, the state has no right putting it's hands in love and the marriage contract ought not ever been tied to finances-even more so in modern day where wives are not property of husbands and due alimony to survive if left abandoned.

Second, a parent riddled with sadness of the loneliness of self-sacrificing for sake of staying with the children is nuts. This is no example for what you want for your child!  Let this man have his joy!  Let him play lacrosse with his boy and listen to his daughters silly giggling antics when she has sleepovers.  Just let him do it SEPARATELY from their mom and let. him. have. his. joy.

They is no reason why parents can't divide life equally while allowing one another to feel true joy when the unity that brought then together is no longer that.

Mean People Suck

Why is it that when certain people get hurt they lash out in a very negative, volatile way?

I've never understood this approach.  If your goal is to hang onto something you are losing and you are hurt that you are losing that thing, why would you try to beat that very thing down?  Wouldn't you work to reconnect and rebuild the love and tenderness that has slowly slipped from your grasp? 

My guess is that this person never loved in the first place, they viewed the other as a possession and have anger that their "property is being taken.  That this gives them the right to demean and defame the property like an abused dog to shame it into feeling small and weak as if it has no worth and coming back to the property owner is it's only solace.

Consider the following:

If two people are meant to be together it is through thick and thin.  They will remain friends in the hard times, they may fight but they will never degrade or push the other away.  Remaining friends doesn't mean they become solely friends.  Passion must exist in their interactions with one another until the end of breaths.

Never in this equation should we ever sacrifice our needs; whether it be passion or respect.

Mean people suck

Live a Little

Why haven't you learned anything?

Like Lupe says:

"Takes a long time to happen so fast
To realize your future is somebody else's past"

It's not like we are trying to tango on that old broken bridge with a noose around our necks or anything... but a little bit of life pumping through the old veins wouldn't hurt a person.

There's more than one way to die.  To die being reckless 90 mph contra-flow... Or to die in the soul.

On Liberty and getting bit by a matty daag

ooookay doookay.

So there was this interesting thing that happened the other day.

I was looking over the string of texts from this woman that I tried to help. I should have seen the writing on the wall. Everyone in her life that had known her since birth told me DON'T DO IT! Don't help her, SHE'LL BITE YOU!.

 I didn't want to believe someone could be so full of malice and I ignored their warnings and tried to be nice, helped anyway.

 I got bit.

 Now I'm somehow the bad guy. AND I'm getting all kinds of "I told you so's"

Weird isn't it? I remember learning about this in a philosophy of law class at UW about how when common law was transferred from the UK to America, the phenomenon of helping others or looking the other way... Philosopher John Stuart Mill (Utilitarianism) spent a lot of time sussing out the doctrine of the Good Samaritan. Should one be punished for NOT helping another in need? The argument is that the one in need is no worse off than they were whether you help them or not, but helping them can sometimes put the Good Samaritan in harm's way.

All I know is I could have done a lot more, but once bitten, twice shy...

Fire

Fire

I’d rather not be here tonight
I knew from the start this was just a flame
I had my fun dancing around it –pretty little sparks
Playing with fire with simple urgency
Now I’m trying to finish what I started
Suffocating the longing with an old familiar blanket
Something is dying and you can see it in my eyes

You had to know this ignite doesn’t have long-term potential
I look into the future and I don’t see you in it
When I’m on that island you won’t save me
And I know that
Pretty soon the phone is just gonna ring
I will mean to call you back
But you‘ll know before I do that I won’t

Chorus:

Don’t feel bad baby love
I’ll always remember you calling me cupcake
If I see the scars from the lit-tle burns
Back when we were oh-so alive
And on fire

Separation Anxiety

I want him and he wants me.

But tonight is not so right.....

My mind is wandering to so many other things. Things reminding me of him and probably him of me.

But tonight is not so right.....
I need some time to miss him or there is no night that is right.

Separation feels so right, but recently all I do is to please him
So what is with the fight?

I am his, just not tonight.

But tonight is not so right.....

slow ride

I miss how you gave me so much love.
I miss how you gave me the feeling of Ernie & Bert.
I miss how you kept me safe and encouraged me to fall.
But baby the reason I'm missing you is because you set limits to all those things.
A bittersweet whirlwind of passion, you taught me how to be so free
Maybe that's why it hurt so bad when you pulled that rug from under me.

If it takes a hundred years
He's gonna take me there
Walls aren't so bad mister.
You shoulda told me while asking me to break them down
That I had prescient knowledge of reality.
I wanna take it slow, on my time,
It's a beautiful ride...

Options

Thanks to some early morning thought-provocation, I would like to clear up a common misconception. I'm not a person who just 'does what she wants'

I'm a person who has made the most desirable choices out of the available options. Most often what I want is not available to me.

It might behoove me to opt out in the future rather than make a choice that is merely acceptable rather than stellar. After all, I appear satisfied, but I'm just appeased at best. I'd rather not have that viewpoint cast upon me. I think this will open doors for me to actually get what I want

My lover

My lover, you left my body with a sweet kiss at my car, holding me in rapture until your fingertips press upon me like spellbound lyrics.  My hips spin rhythmically in figure eights liquid on your strong sweet thighs.  You alone electrify me.  You're needle engraves me with a signature of heat and fluid.  My lover, not my love.. You are the world to me in this moment.

Misinterpreted

I always wondered why
I could never recognize my own voice
Words escaped my lips only to be captured in a recording for all of time
I stood confused wondering what was real
Wondered which one you heard
When your words mingled with mine
I forget it all when your songs soothe me to sleep

My bumble bee ride

Today was not just another ordinary day.
A day where hours felt like moments and moments lasted a lifetime.
Today should have been a troubled day.
Instead the bumble bee took me in little bits off the stamen
Rolled and bounced me through the sky to gently offer me to a swollen pistil.

Pleasure filled senses
Replacing forced solitude.
Today could have been such a different kind of day
If I had chosen the butterfly.

unfinished

I wish I was a musician.
I've always been drawn to them. Artists of an unknown sort, yet oh-so-familiar.
I tag tracks posting moments that bleed into the veins of my soul...
A lyric, a verse, maybe just the rhythm that consumes me.
I am a painter. but. i feel deep. art is life....

Why can't I profess in poetic perfection?
Why must I express and expose without explanation?
I paint,
You see,
Interpret & explicate... you do under cover of seduction or soliloquy... but never of me.
These words ride the autobahn, strokes from my soul are only back roads.

Riddles and options.
All we are is captions
Will be will is and what is will be.
So hesitate when you lay your money down, all them agents get you to the gate just the same
So long as passion is up for loss or gain
First class won't spare you no shame

Reggae vibes

Reggae love in my head.
Sonic vibrations rhythm in my soul.
I feel the sex in the room behind me.. lovers tasting lips desires hearts bodies and souls.
It's raping me, shaking me, taking me.. I said it before.
I'm writing here and painting on walls.
While love sounds become one with dub sounds.

Hurricane

The wind is whipping past my face carrying painful lashings from strands of hair that have become weapons in this icy late Spring  storm. It's telling me I have no business being in love. No business feeling angst. No business feeling loss. No business longing. Leave. Leave little silly child. Travel on... You're hanging on too long... It's time to say goodbye. Time to hurt and be hurt. But most of all, it's time to say goodbye....

Bronx tattles

Old man Henry called out my soul tonight. He said I was searching for something. I think he's right. It's that Bronx wisdom mingling with the liquor that pumps through his veins. But he sees something nobody else does as I sit sipping a glass of wine waiting for the table to clear. It could be only he sees it because nobody else's cares. I want to tell him my heart is in pieces and I don't know why. I want to tell him asking why only makes it worse. But it's not him I want to talk to. So I tell him a lie. I tell him I'm fine.

Trust is better without labels.. Status Schmatus

do you trust me?

this question's answer is the epitome of personal validation,

I've always believed that the only trust that is true is that which comes free of obligation.
ex: If you desire commitment from me you ought not require a label for the answer. As a matter of fact, my gift of true trust & commitment should come from my DESIRE to commit my longing for you & only you.... Not the necessity and reciprocity of that obligation.

If you are confused, let me just say this: If I say I love you. If I say I want you. If I open myself physically, emotionally, & actively to you... another's desire for me should not be of mind.

I am an attractive person, no Kim, no Nicole, no Ciara, by any means. But I am Coco. I have my attributes. I act on my impulses & out of my self, sensuality, intelligence & intrigue because I am who I am: who you desire. So think about it... why wouldn't another man desire me as well? It shouldn't threaten you, it should validate your choice. PERIOD.

Let me surmise that I am not the one all desire, but I am who YOU desire. Because of who I am. So why dammit wouldn't someone else agree with your choice? If this is the case, why would you want me to decline another advance solely because of my label tied to you & not because I just simply chose you?

I simply mean this: Is it more valuable that I have the label 'girlfriend' or 'wife'.......or would there be no value in my decline of another's advancement because I :::::chose you? Would you prefer I decline another's advance as "I'm flattered but...." or "I just simply am not interested" Take away the labels of "status" & allow a woman to choose based on simply who she wants & you have something real, not restricted.

Peace & Love, Coco

*the box, the label..is face security. The choice is the only commitment one should yearn for. If that is absent, that is the only matter for concern.